Red flags are everywhere, but green flags are what you should be seeking

The dynamics we observe around us as kids as well as our childhood traumas form the foundation of our attachment styles, how we perceive relationships, and what we seek in partners

A 2024 Tinder study titled The Green Flags Study shows that 78 per cent men want equal partnerships in relationships, and 74 per cent are open to dating a woman who earns more than them. The same study revealed that 37 per cent men wouldn't label themselves as a feminist. But, 50 per cent of women would date someone who identifies as one. These figures reflect the evolving dynamics of relationships in 2024—where both men and women are rethinking traditional gender roles and what equality in relationships entails.

Both are markers of a healthy relationship in a year that finally set realistic, healthy relationship expectations, at least in pop culture, thanks to the recent Netflix show Nobody Wants This. One of the protagonists, Noah Roklov (essayed by actor Adam Brody), won the internet over—situationship or not—with just one line: “You can self-sabotage all you want, but I think you should get over it. Because I’m on your side…I can handle you”. 

And they weren’t just empty words, but words accompanied by actions: Brody’s character is emotionally intelligent, doesn’t shy away from difficult conversations, and has his partner’s back, even around his disapproving mother. Aren’t these good, positive traits of a healthy relationship—or green flags—we all seek out in a partner? 

Or should. 

But here’s the catch: Green flags are subjective. What seems like a sign of emotional maturity to one person might be a red flag in a relationship for another.

For Lakshay Khurana, a 23-year-old musician from Gurugram, who grew up watching his parents rarely share emotions or express themselves to each other, communication is a major green flag. However, for Delhi-based single mother Sonali Sudarshan, 50, who heads a PR agency, some things are better left unsaid. “If you hate their mom, don’t tell them that. Just say you want to have limited contact,” she says.

Thirty-seven-year-old lawyer Karthik Raj from Mumbai has a differing opinion. “The aim should be to have a discussion, not win the argument. You don’t weaponise your partner’s insecurity or threaten to end a relationship,” he states. Green flags aren’t just about what you do but about how you handle difficult situations.

"Most people spot red flags first because of a psychological phenomenon, as we are wired to be more sensitive to warning signs as a self-protective measure created due to past hurts or observed cautionary tales," explains Dr. Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist, couples’ counsellor, and founder-director, Gateway of Healing. “Green flags are subtler and slower to reveal themselves, making them less apparent immediately. We also adapt quicker to the positive aspects of a relationship, rendering them less noteworthy over time,” she adds. 

What shapes our perception of green flags

The relationships we observe around us as kids, as well as our childhood traumas, form the foundation of our attachment styles, how we perceive relationships as adults, and what we seek in partners. “Someone raised in a chaotic environment may feel drawn to partners who create drama or conflict, confusing this intensity with passion,” says Dr Tugnait.

Disha Pandey, 33, who works on gender equality with a Multilateral Development Bank in Delhi, grew up in a home with heightened daily conflicts that were eventually resolved. As an adult, she knows that the biggest green flag she seeks in someone is emotional intelligence and communication. “(This is) not out of obligation but because your partner holds a safe space for you to be able to speak up about even your traumas. If my partner and I resolve our fights before bed, we won’t need a therapist. You are your partner’s therapist,” says Pandey. She even recognised that she was mirroring her parents’ unhealthy attachment style—her anxious-attachment style and his avoidant-attachment style—in therapy, and broke up with an ex. “Our parents’ generation would have stayed (in the relationship). We don’t have to,” she says. 

For Andrea Hooper, a 33-year-old travel writer from Faridabad who saw her father splitting household chores equally with her mother, this sign is a no-brainer. A generational change that won’t really make sense in the day and age where a double-income household is required. 

Yet, she fell into the ‘fix-it-trap’ with a manipulative ex. Hooper believed love could change a person, just as her mother had helped her father out of a rough patch. Hooper’s emotionally unavailable ex proved otherwise—four miserable years later. 

When is a green flag actually a red one in disguise? 

Sometimes, what appears to be a green flag is really just a red flag masquerading in optimism. This often happens when a partner's potential for growth becomes a ‘green flag on steroids’. “People stick around, convinced they can fix someone,” says Dr Tugnait. “When someone experiences or sees instability, neglect, or emotional unavailability during childhood, they can develop a skewed understanding of love as adults—mistaking unhealthy dynamics for connection.” 

It’s not just women, who fall into this trap. Raj, for instance, grew up questioning his parents’ compatibility despite their squabbling, observes: “Men try to find the same affection and understanding they have with their mother, in their partners, while women try to fix them. That’s never going to work— it’s a different dynamic entirely,” he says. 

This tendency to romanticise potential, rather than seeing the reality of the situation, often leads to prolonged relationships that aren’t built on a truly healthy foundation. Mistaking future possibilities for present compatibility is where the real danger lies. 

The role of family dynamics in modern relationships

Family dynamics play a significant role in shaping our understanding of different kinds of modern relationships. Many of us are products of households where traditional gender roles were deeply entrenched, and these early influences inevitably colour what we consider ‘normal’ in partnerships. Delhi-and Mumbai-based entrepreneur Moksha Hegde recalls how, growing up, she witnessed these dynamics first-hand. A family friend, despite being kind in other aspects, insisted that his wife doesn’t work and his daughter give up her dream career in finance, making her settle for a teaching job and marriage, as he believed it was a more “suitable” job for a woman.

“Even now,” says Hegde, “a woman’s opinion won’t be taken in decisions like buying a car.” Hedge has been on dates with those who seem “perfect on paper”—ones with a decent education so that they aren’t narrow-minded. “The fact is that even in 2024, women compromise—they have to belong in the kitchen and do the chores,” says the entrepreneur. 

While more progressive attitudes are becoming mainstream in relationships in Indian society, these old-school beliefs linger, particularly in traditional households. Parents who display rigid roles—fathers as the sole breadwinners and mothers as homemakers—often pass these expectations onto their children. This can lead to internal conflicts when young adults try to reconcile these with their modern lives, where women are increasingly prioritising their own careers and independence over anything else.

Family dynamics also affect how we approach emotional labour and household responsibilities in our relationships. When children grow up in environments where one parent—usually the mother—bears the brunt of unpaid domestic work, they may carry those expectations into their own adult relationships. This perpetuates the stereotype that men aren’t responsible for housework, or that women should inherently be the ones to manage a household, even in a double-income family.

These dynamics eventually play out in the emotional expressiveness of relationships. Many modern couples struggle with vulnerability and open communication because they didn’t see it modelled while growing up. In homes where emotions were stifled, or where parents maintained stoic façades, children often grow into adults who view emotional intimacy as uncomfortable or alien. This has long-lasting effects on relationships, as couples are forced to unlearn old habits and navigate new, healthier ways of connecting.

But shouldn’t today’s relationships be more than just who earns more or who does the dishes? It's about redefining the emotional and practical foundations that our parents, and their parents, instilled in us. 

This shift—where women are pushing back against inherited gender roles—marks a significant change for the current dating generation. Unlike their parents, they are seeking partners who support equality in both career and home life, challenging the status quo that dominated earlier generations.

Flag fixation: When green flags blur our vision

Green flags can, at times, become an obsession—so much so that we ignore everything else. When people meet someone similar, they can misconstrue it as a cosmic connection, making them overlook major incompatibilities just because of the sense of "meant to be." Experiencing or overcoming hardships together can intensify the bond, but sometimes it’s mistaken for compatibility, when it’s really just shared trauma.

Like Hegde, whose boyfriend through college seemed like her “knight in shining armour,” even encouraging her to take a breather in the professional rat-race she was stuck in. So, she ignored all his red flags: gaslighting and calling her “crazy”, and having a problem with her finally landing a job where she earned more than him. The initial spark fizzled out when she realised that spark was really anxiety masked as attraction.

Thirty-one year-old Musician Kamakshi Khanna from Delhi, has learned this over time. She once felt an instant spark on the first date, only to realise it was probably her gut giving her a heads-up, because on date three, he said something unacceptable. “The real spark comes when you get to know a person and like them for who they are,” says Khanna, a former hopeless romantic-turned-realist who talks about taxes on dates. “It takes time to unlearn the typical notion of romance we saw in pop culture growing up, which was basically Shah Rukh Khan in the 1990s. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) is problematic today, but we’ve all watched it,” says Khanna. 

Pop culture shaped Nikhil S’s idea of love as well. Eager to start his “happily ever after” this Delhi native married someone who had everything he was looking for despite dissimilar backgrounds or homes— she was passionate, and was as much of an art appreciator like him. Nikhil grew up knowing that the end goal was to get married. “I wanted freedom after getting married to my partner, whose strict parents didn’t know we were in a live-in relationship. But it was the opposite. Two years in, the honeymoon phase ended,” recalls the 41-year-old writer. Since his divorce, Nikhil spots red flags in people first, like a person obsessed with a role-model figure. “Anyone shaping their life around their role model is a red flag. Growing up, I saw a lot of failings in my dad, which broke down my notions of having a strong figure head,” he explains. This is also akin to someone stating they don’t have any emotional baggage. “It’s just that they just haven’t processed it yet, or are oblivious, or don’t want to talk about it. It’s impossible to have escaped trauma because there are elements of corporal punishment in Indian families, as is neglect, besides stereotypes like not wanting to discuss anything (that is) emotional because of my gender,” shares Nikhil. 

Using self-awareness to identify red flags in relationships 

“Therapy is very important for one’s self-awareness,” says Pandey. “The breaking of gender stereotypes comes much later. As long as both partners are self-aware about their own individual baggage, and the baggage is compatible to some degree, it can work out,” she adds. This doesn’t mean you don’t always attract red flags. “You just catch them sooner,” adds Pandey, who previously fell for love-bombing and manipulative behaviours, learned that many people attract red flags because they unconsciously seek to resolve unresolved childhood issues through adult relationships. 

Dr Tugnait explains, “Even dysfunctional patterns feel familiar. But self-awareness and therapy can help individuals break free from these cycles, allowing them to choose partners based on healthier emotional dynamics, rather than repeating familiar but potentially harmful patterns.”

Recognising your own red flags is just as important. For instance, Hedge realised she had trouble asking for help. So, when a guy helped her out with a concern at the workplace without her asking for help and it actually worked, she marked it as something she wants in a person. Someone who respects her boundaries, after she figured she had to draw them, is another plus for Hegde. 

Hooper had a tendency to put everyone on a pedestal once she got emotionally attached. “That’s bad for me and for them as well; it puts the pressure of expectations on them,” the travel writer explains why she kept giving the "office player" multiple chances to redeem himself. Today, she knows not to break off, even if she finds herself getting bored when her potential partner talks about politics. 

Sudarshan, once a people-pleaser, has now refined her list of non-negotiable green flags after learning from her marriage. “Education, determines people’s exposure to the world, otherwise there are chances he could be deeply misogynistic,” she says. Raised in a time when women were expected to be rescued by a prince, Sudarshan’s experience being a single mother made her hyper-independent. When her current partner understood her need to heal from her past traumas in order to respect men again, he communicated it to her, showing he was dependable through his actions. “Actions will always speak louder than words,” says Sudarshan, and she is now dating her Mr Dependable. 

Also Read: Do women bear a bigger burden in an age-gap relationship?

Also Read: Are open relationships healthy for couples?

Also Read: Is being toxic your hidden relationship trait?