Why saying ‘I need my space’ in a relationship can actually bring you closer

Oftentimes, your loved ones can interpret your ask for space as an ominous sign. However, giving each other space is among the markers of a healthy equation

Binge-watching Netflix, reading your favourite novel in solitude, cooking a dish you love, or simply lying on your bed and staring at the ceiling are some of the many rituals we share with ourselves, and only ourselves, during our rather sacred “me time”. Staying committed to your space, however, can get challenging when you’re perpetually surrounded by your loved ones—be it with a partner, or living under the same roof as your parents. 

While there’s no substantial data on how many individuals have a tough time plugging away in relationships that leave them with little to no space, the omnipresence of this predicament is well-known. In all likelihood, we’ve all experienced it at some point in our lives. “My girlfriend told me she needed ‘space’. What does that imply? Is she permanently breaking up with me?” read a post by a Reddit user. Perhaps, it is these negative connotations and misunderstood conversations pertaining to space that have made it sparse in relationships. However, space is a human need, and a lack of it can suffocate any relationship. We speak to three psychologists and chalk out a primer on how you can successfully have the tough ‘I need my space’ conversation with your partner and family. 

Why is having your space paramount?

While Mumbai-based psychologist Hansika Kapoor, practising with Monk Prayogshala, thinks taking space (and time) for oneself in relationships fosters autonomy and growth, Ruchi Ruuh, a Mumbai-based psychologist and relationship counsellor believes that space allows individuals to maintain their individuality, pursue personal interests, regulate emotional health, and maintain a sense of independence within the relationship or family unit. “Space between individuals helps create a respectful atmosphere while maintaining boundaries. Without boundaries and healthy space, all relationships can deteriorate into a tangled mess of resentment, suffocation and emotional chaos,” explains Ruuh. 

Why is space looked down upon, especially among Indians?

Haven’t we all been vexed out with the hostility towards our “right to privacy” at home? “A client I once worked with came from a close-knit Indian family. She used to feel guilty for wanting alone time away from her family, fearing that she would be perceived as selfish or ungrateful,” shares Shaurya Gahlawat, a psychologist and relationship expert. Considering that Indian society operates slightly differently from the West, an unspoken pattern of codependency permeates in most Indian families, be it joint or nuclear. These conditionings could also find their way into our romantic relationships later in life. “In Indian contexts, taking space is usually a misunderstood concept because it may be linked with fears of abandonment and insecurity in relationships—familial or romantic,” says Kapoor.

“Traditionally, most Indian families are structured around cohabitation, closeness, and interdependence,” begins Ruuh. “Cultural values emphasising duty, loyalty, and obligation may also contribute to this struggle. Challenging these values and asserting individual needs for personal space can lead to feeling guilt or shame. There is always a fear of being perceived as selfish or disrespectful towards elders or family members while asking for space.” Gahlawat, however, opines that the concepts of togetherness and interdependence within families and relationships are prevalent globally. “Asking for individual space and autonomy may be perceived as a threat to traditional family values, leading to resistance or reluctance to acknowledge the need for space,” she says. 

How a lack of space can threaten relationships 

Upon being asked if a lack of space can jeopardise relationships, Athira Thakkar, a 25-year-old make-up artist says, “Definitely—to a point where I would start feeling anxious by the mere thought of spending more time with that person.” She furthers, “I think I would feel this way because the lack of space also made me feel like I was losing my individuality.” For Saikat Chakraborty, national make-up artist at M.A.C Cosmetics India, space in a relationship is subjective: “While too much space starts feeling like a gap, healthy space is a must. You should be able to do what you like to do with your own self so you don’t end up losing yourself completely [while] in a relationship.”

An absence of space in a relationship can adversely affect the individuals as well as the dynamics of their relationship. “Space and time for oneself are related to personal growth and fulfilment. In the absence of taking space, relationships can become codependent and can stagnate. Codependency is when people become overly reliant on their partners/family for validation and emotional fulfilment. It can lead to stunted personal growth and resentment toward others,” says Kapoor. Codependency can also be perceived as an inability to set boundaries with others, resulting in a loss of self-identity, according to Ruuh.

Exemplifying the perils of a lack of space in relationships, Gahlawat shares, “One couple [both partners worked from home] constantly felt suffocated by each other’s presence and struggled to maintain their individual identities within the relationship. Another family that I was counselling was undergoing severe enmeshment struggles. The members found themselves in a cycle of constant conflict and tension due to their inability to create space for themselves within their relationships. As a result, they felt trapped, leading to resentment and disconnection.”

Emotional tension in a relationship invariably impacts your sex life too. “A married couple in their thirties had found themselves in a rut when it came to their sexual relationship. Despite their love and affection for each other, they struggled to maintain a sense of passion. Upon further exploration, it became clear that their lack of personal space and autonomy outside of the bedroom was impacting their ability to connect intimately. They felt suffocated by each other’s constant presence and longed for opportunities to pursue their individual interests and hobbies. As a result, their sex life suffered,” shares Gahlawat. Ruuh agrees, stating, “Constant smothering can overwhelm partners, creating more distance. A lack of space can lead to resentment, frustration, and unresolved conflicts that will reflect  in their sexual dynamic. A healthy sexual dynamic requires both partners to have fulfilling individual lives.”

Asking for space without causing hurt 

“Some partners, due to past trauma or a fear of abandonment, or misconceptions about what space entails might hesitate to ask for space. They might also fear losing control over their partner or the intimacy in the relationship. This may arise as such partners struggle with their own insecurities and are in need of constant reassurance,” Ruuh reinstates. Therefore, initiating this dialogue with sensitivity becomes necessary.

“It is important to openly yet gently communicate the need for space to your partner/family. For instance, you could give concrete examples of what taking space looks like or how you would like to set certain boundaries within the relationship. It is also important to be empathetic and patient when beginning to have these conversations, especially if your partner/family is unfamiliar with why taking space is important,” suggests Kapoor. Validating their feelings and reassuring them of your love and commitment is the first step, says Ruuh. “Reassured, secure people are able to value their and others’ boundaries better. Offer alternative solutions to address their concerns while still honouring your need for space. Seek professional help if necessary to facilitate communication. Ultimately, emphasise that space is essential for both individuals to thrive within the relationship.”

“Lead by example by respecting their boundaries and needs, and modelling healthy communication and conflict-resolution skills. Show them through your actions that your request for space is not a rejection but rather a means of personal growth,” advises Gahlawat.

Also Read: Can you make room for children in a life shadowed by anxiety?

Also Read: Are you confusing love with an unhealthy attachment?

Also Read: Five love languages to help strengthen your relationship with your partner