Are you confusing love with an unhealthy attachment?

Love and attachment feel very similar, and it's easy to confuse them, especially in the early stages of dating. The two are, however, very different

We often find ourselves entangled in relationships, constantly struggling to differentiate between the allure of infatuation, the depth of emotional connection, and the perplexing matter of whether the love we experience might be transient. It is noticeable that many of our relationships exhibit an intense and passionate fervour, which often compels us to dive headlong into them without pausing to evaluate fundamental questions such as, "Do I genuinely share a profound connection with this individual?" "Can I envision them in my future?" or "Am I merely drawn to the companionship they offer or the way they make me feel?" Discerning these distinctions is paramount for making sound decisions and selecting the right partners, as opposed to settling for convenience. This is especially significant for Ronita Malheshwar, a 29-year-old Chennai-based sales executive, who, on occasion, must consciously exercise restraint—a skill she has steadily improved—to avoid falling head over heels prematurely after just a few dates.

"My friends tell me I go on dates with blinders on. That's probably because I rarely connect with men who I feel are worth going on dates with. So when I do connect with someone on the apps, it feels like I've hit the jackpot," she says, admitting that she makes successive plans on the first date itself without thinking about whether she enjoys spending time with the person. 

Navigating relationships

Malheshwar is inclined to be an "all-or-nothing" kind of person, which frequently leaves her pondering, especially within romantic relationships, whether her feelings truly reflect love or if she's merely grown accustomed to the companionship, or worse yet, if her emotions are driven by shallower impulses such as obsession or lust, or even the foundational principles of attachment.

Distinguishing between these two sets of emotions is a crucial aspect of our emotional toolkit, as they may feel alike but carry vastly different implications for the quality of our relationships. Understanding this distinction also serves as a protective shield against needless emotional turmoil. Let's use the term "situationships" to illustrate this concept. Situationships are relationships that often appear genuine, intimate, romantic, or exclusive, but in reality, are not. Typically, one person invests deeply while the other remains emotionally distant. "Given my penchant for being a hopeless romantic and someone who invariably desires more, I've realised in hindsight that what I initially interpreted as love and a profound bond with a person was often a natural psychological and physical reaction to the emotional dynamics of that relationship, rather than genuine love," says Malheshwar. 

Forming attachments

Counsellor Viraj Mehta says it's essential to understand that attachment and love are distinct aspects of human relationships. "Our first attachments form very early in life, nearly immediately after birth, with our parents or caregivers. This instinctual attachment is formed because we depend on others for protection before we possess the cognitive or emotional capacity to experience love," he says.

The formation of attachments can be traced back to fundamental elements, and the conditions for their development are relatively straightforward, primarily involving physical proximity to the person in question, a sense of intimacy, and a degree of dependence. In contrast, the concept of love is considerably more intricate. It encompasses a deeper level of trust, vulnerability, compatibility, and selflessness. Love transcends mere self-interest or the security one can offer; it delves into shared needs and a harmonious partnership, often evoking uncanny similarities. This becomes particularly apparent when one reflects on their past experiences and realises that their encounters may have revolved around attachment or emotional closeness rather than the profound and multifaceted nature of love.

The intricacies

The psychology underlying love is interesting, as it is one of the most intense emotions experienced by humans, perhaps rivalled only by grief and, in some cases, anger. 

From a biological perspective, says New Delhi-based therapist and life coach Asha Saxena, love has been depicted as a complex interplay of neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin that exert their effects on the brain. Alternatively, it has been analysed from a social perspective, asserting that love fulfils an essential evolutionary role by fostering community and social cohesion.

"Among these theories, my personal favourite is the triangular theory of love, which offers a comprehensive perspective on what love encompasses and what it doesn't. This theory, developed some time ago, posits that romantic love or genuine love, is composed of three fundamental components: intimacy, passion, and commitment," says Saxena, who goes on to explain that in romantic relationships, the theory suggests that all three components on the triangle need to be fulfilled to claim that love exists genuinely. When one of these elements dominates while the others are lacking, "we might find ourselves in different relationship scenarios. For instance, if there's commitment but no passion, it might resemble a situationship. Conversely, if passion is the primary driver without the presence of intimacy, it may be more akin to a physical or lustful connection. In the absence of intimacy, what remains is akin to a friendship, one that lacks the deeper emotional bonds that go beyond mere proximity or biological ties," says Saxena.

Understanding intimacy

Intimacy, in this context, encompasses not only feelings of attachment but also elements like trust, security, vulnerability, and a level of emotional connection that transcends surface-level closeness.

Love often adheres to a suggested pattern. It typically commences with the euphoric stage, which lasts for approximately six months to two years, marked by intense passion and excitement. This stage is followed by early attachment, spanning one to five years, where the relationship deepens and couples grow closer. Subsequently, the crisis stage emerges, typically occurring around five to seven years, where doubts may arise, and couples may question the relationship's viability. Finally, the deep attachment phase sets in, lasting seven years and beyond, where a profound understanding and sense of connection solidify.

Attachment, in psychology, is defined as an enduring psychological connection between human beings. A substantial portion of our understanding of attachment stems from the work of John Bowlby, a renowned psychiatrist. Bowlby's initial focus was on working with what he referred to as emotionally disturbed children.

Our first attachments are typically formed with our parents or caregivers and originate from birth. This process is deeply ingrained in our biology, genetics, and evolutionary development, pre-programming us to establish attachments, especially with those individuals who provide us with care, attention, and frequent presence. These attachments can take shape long before we possess the cognitive or emotional capacity to experience love.

This leads us to understand the attachment theory, which has gained widespread popularity in mainstream media, mainly due to its ability to provide insights into how individuals love and its capacity to explain various love-related complexities. In brief, this theory posits that there are four primary attachment styles that humans can exhibit. They are primarily shaped by the quality of our relationships with our parents, the care they provided, and how those early bonds have evolved. These initial relationships serve as our template for connecting with others later in life, particularly during adulthood.

The first of these styles is secure attachment. Individuals with secure attachment styles are characterised by their confidence, resilience, reciprocity, and lack of anxiety when it comes to matters like romance, commitment, and even challenging emotions such as rejection. They tend to approach relationships with a sense of stability.

The next style is anxious, preoccupied attachment, marked by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and heightened insecurity, often exhibiting clingy behaviour and a propensity for creating emotional bonds through fantasies. This attachment style holds particular importance when discussing the distinction between love and attachment. 

The third attachment style is dismissive-avoidant, characterised by individuals who tend to maintain emotional distance. They often isolate themselves and may reject attempts from others to establish deep emotional connections. This behaviour is frequently rooted in their early childhood experiences, where they learned not to trust those who promised care and ended up hurting them. As a result, they push people away because they associate deep connections with pain.

Lastly, we have the fearful-avoidant attachment style, sometimes grouped with dismissive-avoidant under the broad label of avoidant attachment. Fearful-avoidant individuals can exhibit ambivalence and unpredictability in their relationships. Unlike dismissive-avoidants, who may simply shut off emotionally, those with a fearful-avoidant style may create conflict in their relationships, deliberately pushing people away to test their trustworthiness as they struggle to trust others fully. They constantly probe their relationships for vulnerabilities.

These distinct attachment styles play a fundamental role in shaping how we approach love and dating while also serving as the basis for our pursuit of intimacy.

The love game

Anwesha Mitra, a recent psychology graduate from Loreto College in Kolkata, says distinguishing between love and attachment can be challenging, but is crucial because they often feel very similar. "Confusing them can lead us to make decisions that may not be in our best interest, such as rushing into cohabitation after only a few months or disregarding red flags. Both love and attachment provide a sense of security and closeness, but they differ in several key ways," she says. 

Mitra points out that love is selfless, while attachment tends to be somewhat selfish. Love is inherently mutual, founded on a shared connection, and involves giving and receiving. Importantly, attachment can be one-sided and relatively transient. "When we describe attachment as selfish, we don't mean it makes you a selfish person, as everyone possesses a basic level of attachment. Instead, it signifies that the primary function of attachment is self-serving," she says, adding that in the early stages of dating, when attachment is forming, we often focus on what the other person is doing for us. We assess whether they make us happy, how they make us feel, and what they contribute to our well-being. This self-centred approach contrasts with love, which is more about considering what we can do to make the other person happy, how we can grow together, and how to love them better. Attachment is driven by how we feel about ourselves, whereas love revolves around mutual care and support.

Bonds and relationships

Sakshi M, a Mumbai-based orthodontist who confesses that she does not always have the best track record with relationships, says therapy has helped her become more cognisant of love versus attachment in the past few years. "When you have a fantasy bond with someone, you often are in a very dysfunctional, I would say, situation or relationship where you have created a false image of them in your head, or you've looked to the future to justify why you feel so close to them. You're not always in love with someone; you're in love with the idea of love or the idea of them. And I think, in contrast, love is sincere; it's sometimes brutally honest. I genuinely believe that you can't love someone until you've seen something about them that you don't like, or you've had some disagreement, or you've seen them angry, you've seen them vulnerable, and you have still chosen to be that you don't have unrealistic expectations about who they are or what they could be you just kind of take them as they are," she says.

When you're attached, believes Sakshi, you're willing to overlook those things for what they can give you. "I think mutual attachment can be one-sided, wherein one person has developed a bond and a connection perhaps based on false cues. And the other person can realistically remain very distant. Everyone has their own timelines for how long it takes to connect with others," she says.

Malheshwar says setting a personal standard, like a three-date minimum, has been a wise approach to maintaining her emotional balance and decision-making when engaging in new relationships. "It's important to protect your heart and take your time before diving into intense attachments," she says.

Saxena says when we constantly obsess over someone, ruminate about whether they'll contact us, or continuously discuss them with friends, we reinforce neural pathways associated with their presence in our lives. "This can lead to intense attachment, often prematurely. By diverting your focus from this person and not fixating on their actions, you give yourself the space to see the relationship more objectively." 

Setting healthy boundaries can help prevent you from getting too emotionally entangled quickly. Define your limits and communicate them clearly with your partner. This can help you maintain a balanced perspective and not rush into a deep attachment.

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