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Away from conventional ideas of marriage and monogamy, open relationships have the potential to offer greater sexual liberation and experiences

Are open relationships healthy for couples?

Away from conventional ideas of marriage and monogamy, open relationships have the potential to offer greater sexual liberation and experiences

Kolkata's Suchandra* and Roy* (names changed) hit a relationship milestone in May—they completed a decade together. The couple, who moved out of their respective ancestral homes in the city of Asansol in West Bengal during the thick of the COVID-19 lockdown in 2020 for a more laidback life in Puducherry, also tell The Established that they're looking to tie the knot in December this year. During their courtship, it has become increasingly clear that they will never have a conventional relationship only because both don't want to be tied down by what society expects a marriage to be. "Roy and I decided to get married only because renting a home or sharing our wealth becomes easier. But we've never been the type to give up on our desires. We've both discussed our intentions to enter into an open relationship only because we feel we shouldn't stifle our sexual desires," says Suchandra.

The couple also tells us that their decision to open up their relationship is rooted in their dislike of authority or widely held cultural or societal beliefs, with both more receptive to a relationship that is not conforming or untraditional. "I find it (open relationships) so fascinating. Because I don't think it's typically what we expect. But this characteristic and natural inclination away from the norm does make a lot of sense for people like us who are more attracted to the idea of an open relationship because it isn't the norm. It is, well, it does kind of go against a lot of our traditional beliefs," says Roy, adding: "A disclaimer if you are personally extroverted or you do typically like to question authority, and ingrained ways of thinking or you're high on agreeableness, that doesn't necessarily mean that you should approach your partner right this second and tell them you want to open your relationship. Each person has their own unique personality profile. And other factors are going to play a role."

Will confirmed in an interview with GQ magazine that he and Jada are in an open marriage, admitting they were

Will confirmed in an interview with GQ magazine that he and Jada are in an open marriage, admitting they were "both miserable and clearly something had to change". Image: @jadapinkettsmith

Netflix drama Wanderlust focuses on a couple's decision to begin an open relationship. Image: Netflix  Matt Squire/Netflix

Netflix drama Wanderlust focuses on a couple's decision to begin an open relationship. Image: Netflix

Matt Squire/Netflix

The couple has certain rules that define this arrangement. They do not engage with the people they sleep with on social media after intercourse. They do not bring people back to the home they share. And mutual friends are strictly off-limits. 

Therapist and relationship counsellor Asha Saxena believes both partners in a relationship need to be in agreement for an open relationship to work. That's what makes it conceptual. "I think strong foundations are essential in any relationship, but particularly in a situation where things can get murky quite quickly, and you are letting other people into your relationship, especially when it's sexual as well. If you're dragging someone into this situation, if they're hesitant, if you need to pressure them, not only is that incredibly unfair, but it's probably going to do a lot of damage not just to your relationship but also to that person's self-esteem and their long-term attachment style," she says. 

Out in the open

This idea of an open relationship isn't a new one. It has existed in  societies in Greece, Rome, China, Mongolia, and Japan since ancient times. But the terms ‘open marriage’ and ‘open relationship’ were first used in the sense of their current meaning in the 1972 book Open Marriage by George and Nena O'Neill. Beyond the core partnership, it's this idea of being in a long-term relationship, marriage or otherwise, but still being able to date other people and, of course, sleep with other people beyond the bounds of each other. These kinds of relationships are typically less focused on emotional connections and more on sexual ones, which either partner or both feel that they need. 

The concept of an open relationship may be hard to grasp for some people, especially in a society that has repeatedly pushed monogamy on us since birth. Still, there is a rising interest in this way of living and dating. Now, more than ever, in modern society, many couples are exploring alternatives, having conversations about it, and even committing to an open relationship or polyamory or some form of non-monogamy. 

Vicky Cristina Barcelona has a polyamorous theme. Image: IMDB

Vicky Cristina Barcelona has a polyamorous theme. Image: IMDB

The Indian perspective

Despite changing perceptions about open relationships, in the Indian context, a lot is left to be desired. Therapist Viraj Mehta believes that while the idea of non-monogamous relationships is catching on rapidly in the country, very few people understand the rules governing these dynamics. "Most people believe it's okay to engage sexually with someone without intimating their partner—that's cheating or infidelity. Most people's biggest opposition to open relationships in India, from my experience counselling couples, is that they create jealousy that doesn't need to be there. We may constantly be worried that our partner will find someone else they're going to fall madly in love with and leave us, or there's this constant suspicion or concern that your partner is having better sex with other people or likes the people they're dating more than you. And I think many of these fears are rooted in unconscious jealousy and are unlikely to be true. Everything will be different with another person, not better or worse. And if you are in a place in your relationship whereby you have a strong partnership that is not easily replaceable. I think it is sometimes liberating to remove sexual and romantic ownership over each other," he says. 

Gleeden, an extramarital dating app, recently conducted a comprehensive study in partnership with IPSOS to understand the changing mindset on marriages, infidelity, and other traditional socio-cultural norms in India. The research was conducted on a sample of 1,503 Indian married individuals, both men and women, aged between 25 and 50 years old and living across 12 Tier-1 and Tier-2 cities. 

The survey revealed that 82 per cent of the respondents feel it is possible to stay faithful to the same person for their entire life, while 44 per cent of people felt it is possible to be in love with two different people simultaneously. Interestingly, 37 per cent of people think it is possible to cheat on a person while still being in love with them, whereas 55 per cent of respondents fancy being intimate with someone other than their partners.

The study has also revealed that Indians are more adventurous than the world thinks. According to the survey, more than six people out of 10 have already explored a non-traditional relationship, and a substantial percentage of respondents (22 per cent) have adopted the open couple concept and are now in a non-monogamous relationship.

According to dating app Gleeden, more than six people out of 10 in India have already explored a non-traditional relationship. Image: Unsplash

According to dating app Gleeden, more than six people out of 10 in India have already explored a non-traditional relationship. Image: Unsplash

The concept of an open relationship may be hard to grasp for some people, especially in a society that has repeatedly pushed monogamy on us since birth.

The concept of an open relationship may be hard to grasp for some people, especially in a society that has repeatedly pushed monogamy on us since birth.

Does personality affect our need for open relationships?

Perspectives and perceptions, as well as our choices and habits, influence our approach to dating and relationships. Certain Big Five personality traits can be linked to a greater acceptance and willingness to pursue non-monogamy. "For those who don't know what the Big Five is, it's essentially an approach to understanding personality based on five specific personality traits that are the building blocks of our character and who we are. These include openness to new experiences, conscientiousness, extraversion, neuroticism, and agreeableness," says Saxena. 

Each of these five primary personality traits exists on a spectrum between two extremes. For example, the polar opposite of the trait of extraversion is introversion. And people exist between the two pillars on either side and by examining where people sit on this spectrum. Saxena says that individuals in open relationships score higher on openness to experiences, extraversion, and a lot lower on neuroticism subscales than those in monogamous relationships. "This naturally makes a lot of sense if you rate higher on openness to experiences. It's likely that this will also include receptiveness to new sexual experiences and engaging and exploring some of those connections offered by an open relationship. Agreeableness is another trait, and it may also be linked to someone's likelihood of agreeing to an open relationship if their partner suggests one," she says. 

This may not always be a positive thing, though. Saxena feels that open relationships rarely work if one party is not fully committed, excited, or dedicated to the idea, and it can create a bit of a power imbalance and even resentment, which will cause that relationship to crumble under pressure. 

Dig a little deeper

Mehta says other personality traits may be linked to an individual's curiosity and willingness to pursue an open relationship. These include flexibility and how adaptive couples are to change. "I don't need to explain why flexibility and open relationships are linked, like honesty and non-conformance to tradition. People more naturally inclined to oppose authority or widely held cultural or societal beliefs are more receptive to a relationship that is not conforming or untraditional. It's also important to note that romantically involved individuals are more likely to engage in infidelity or want to pursue casual sex or connections when they are more unrestricted in their socio-sexuality. In this case, men are more socio-sexually unrestricted, meaning more interested in uncommitted sex compared to their female counterparts. So gender also may play a role in a person's curiosity about non-monogamy and how that fits in with their broader perspectives on romance, sex, and intimacy.”

Mehta also believes it is always the man who first puts the idea on the table. Image: Pexels

Mehta also believes it is always the man who first puts the idea on the table. Image: Pexels

Mehta also believes it is always the man who first puts the idea on the table. It's not to say that women are equally interested in casual sex, opening their relationship, or exploring uncommitted, romantic connections. But men are often more unrestricted in this domain, especially due to this socio-sexuality. "And it's an ingrained trait. It's very hard to change. So it does explain why some people have more of a desire for such an arrangement as compared to others," he says.  

Rules of the game

Trust has been the cornerstone of this arrangement for Mumbai's Mitesh* and Rahul* (names changed), who have been in an open relationship for five of the 15 years they've been together. They were raised in a society that often confined their sexual expression. Like most gay men, they also grew up encountering attitudes that told them they were not normal. They were not accepted. And so, as they've gotten older, they've sought more sexual exploration. They want to push back against those ideas, which means that they seek sexual satisfaction and relationship arrangements that are outside of the norm. 

"A lot of our progress towards being more accepting of non-monogamy and different models of relationships did arise from the queer community and what they've done and their thoughts on the matter. So it's super interesting to see how sexuality, culture, and society interact and intersect when we talk about non-monogamy," says Rahul. 

The conversations around boundaries that these couples have are often exceptional. And many couples who openly approach dating and companionship, like Rahul and Mitesh, discuss things like sex and boundaries that most couples would not because it needs to be on the table. "We talk more about what trust means to us and what we need. I also think some of the psychology behind it is informative for us, for people who may be more monogamous (like Mitesh), for example, as well as understanding what personality traits make us more receptive to this idea,or discussions around socio-sexuality. I think it's really important to examine our approaches," shares Rahul.

Also Read: Here’s what you should know about ethical non-monogamy

Also Read: An Indian polyamorous ‘throuple’ is breaking free from the shackles of conventional marriage

Also Read: Here’s what monogamists can learn from polyamory


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