Here’s what monogamists can learn from polyamory

A new memoir by American author Rachel Krantz serves as a guidebook for serial monogamists, essential reading for relationship therapists, a cautionary tale for polyamorous beings and a friend to all those who dare to love conventionally

For those of us looking to dip our toes in the backwaters of love—where relationships and their definitions keep expanding exponentially—polyamory may serve as a red herring to the populist need for a happy ending. And amidst this dissonance in the template of two people in a perfect union, codependent or not, fitting into each other’s fault lines, contemporary society seems to crumble at the hands of its own “normal.” After all, with only a singular pair of arms to hold the other, to expect someone to bear the weight of multiple relationships can be daunting. 

Have we reached the terminus of the redundant “singles” and “couples” dichotomy? From a preference for the alt-beatniks to the matter-of-fact status of someone we know, or at least have heard of, polyamory is the unavoidable shift in the romantic consciousness of our near future. This is exactly where the work of American author Rachel Krantz swoops in, messianic and striking a journalistic guise. What starts as an uncensored personal account of polyamory in her late 20s with an older man named Adam, her memoir, Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation, and Non-Monogamy, ends up moonlighting retrospective wisdom and theory through commentaries and quotes from podcasts, research, interviews and books. The final product? A guidebook for serial monogamists, essential reading for relationship therapists, a cautionary tale for polyamorous beings, and a friend to all those who dare to love—conventionally or otherwise. The takeaways arrayed through this interview and my tacit personal experiences of the subject file out the central tenets of what creates, sustains and even breaks a human connection.

Decoding jealousy

When it comes to supporting the case for monogamy (in opposition to polyamory), most hold back their innate capacity for boundless love with the experience of an attachment threat. Krantz astutely points out Kathy Labriola’s theory of core societal beliefs that potentially set such dynamics ablaze: “If my partner really loved me, (s)he wouldn’t have any desire for a sexual relationship with anyone else. […] If my partner were happy with me, […they] would be so satisfied that (s)he wouldn’t want to get involved with anyone else. […] It’s just not possible to love more than one person at the same time.” This, maladapted and misaligned by the Freudian ego, is often recognised as jealousy—impartial to both sides of the relationship coin. “For me, non-monogamous jealousy was centered in the fear of loss, the fear of not being enough for the other person and also  continually confronting impermanence. If you’re in an anxious dynamic and are an anxious person, then the jealousy can be quite visceral. Because it's like living with the feeling that you have no control over, that at any moment the other shoe might drop,” says Krantz.

So how does one reshape these philosophies that exist almost as default settings to our psyche? From what the book is emblematic of, the path to relationship anarchy lies in transmuting one’s mechanisms of navigating commitment, including paradigm shifts of how the essence of your relationship is rooted in safety and trust just enough to expand through external experiences and be enriched through the abundance of love present around you. 

Cheating & communication

A word commonly used in reference to games and contests, “cheating” has become an askew flag-bearing locution in modern society. With Krantz’s suggestion of its precipitating factors showing up in cultures where sexual activity is seen as scarce and resource, the present state of fidelity-hyper-focused relationships pan-India may be grim, yet not unforeseen; perhaps, it is not a stretch to classify it as adapted/internalised capitalism. 

Furthermore, while polyamorous couples make use of practices such as cuckolding, hotwifing, or a manifestation of the eroticisation theory (from humiliation to arousal), monogamists who still partake in such dyed-in-the-wool ideas may end up wayward. This is exactly where Krantz thinks open communication of rules, boundaries and agreements comes in to save a sinking relationship.

“A rule is something you impose on someone else. Like, ‘You can't go out with the same person twice.’ Whereas the boundary might be, ‘I don't think I'm comfortable in a relationship where either of us can go out with the same person twice, but I’m okay with casual sex.’ […] But you would have to be able to enforce that boundary, or not be in that relationship. The idea is to be clear on your own lines of what's okay for you [and to] communicate them, but less in the way of [stating] what are your lines in the sand and if you or the other person might agree to it. An agreement would be: ‘We’re each not going to go out with someone more than once.’ But at the end of the day, if they break that agreement, it's not so much that they broke a rule. It’s that your boundary has been crossed. And it is your responsibility to them,” says Krantz.

Contraindication 

Ultimately, the return sign fixed atop these seemingly radical gates could be the person(s) you choose to pass through with. Having your conflicted feelings overlooked, coercion to conform to their desires, not being updated on the situation and, most importantly, the lack of regular/mutual consent along the way are all universal roads that stray us off of gratifying partnerships.

“Most people tend to expect too much of themselves too quickly. They might open up a relationship and then immediately jump to both individually dating other people. You might start, instead, to try dating someone together or going to a party together in their spaces […], where it's more isolated to just the sexual first and then slowly branch out […] emotional[ly]. You should be able to have conversations with them around what would make both of us feel good and free enough, but also safe at the same time. [Notice] if the person can meaningfully engage with you on those questions in a way that's curious and open and kind and compassionate,” says Krantz.

In my experience, and with Krantz’s insight, I’m reminded of how at the core of our failings with one another lies the work of a lifetime—disentangling from the stories we’ve inherited. Whether by journalling to track down your patterns or building a meditation practice with your partner for mindful problem-solving, openness awaits us all.

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