Here’s what you should know about ethical non-monogamy

Informed consent and complete transparency form the backbone of a relationship model that many urban Indians are now embracing

For Bengaluru-based Abhishek Sen, who has been polyamorous, monogamous and everywhere in between, non-monogamy is not a binary. Like most things in our ever-evolving world, it’s a spectrum. “I find myself in the middle, fulfilled in my romantic relationship while still loving my friends deeply (sometimes platonically, sometimes romantically, sometimes somewhere in between),” he says. Sen’s partner, on the other hand, is much closer to monogamy. Her relationships with her friends sit firmly at the platonic end of the spectrum.

Sen further elaborates that his partner isn’t a touchy person. And while he tends to dogpile with those he loves—holds their hands, kisses their faces, and comments fire emojis on every selfie they post—it isn’t bad for them. “We talk openly about our feelings, wants, needs, desires and attractions. It’s communication that makes the difference,” he says.

Terms of endearment

Modern-day relationships are moving out of the stranglehold of how humans in an equation don’t necessarily have to fall on the same point on the monogamy/non-monogamy spectrum. Yes, differences can sometimes cause rifts, but they can also open up a new level of navigating relationships. In ethical non-monogamy (ENM), where one or more partners can have sexual and/or romantic relationships with others, informed consent and complete transparency form the backbone of a relationship model that many urban Indians are now embracing. 

Counselling psychologist Ruchi Ruuh believes individuals choosing non-monogamy usually has more to do with what they’re feeling within. The need and desire to explore alternative relationships are hardly ever governed by trends, society or their own family/partner. “In India, most people take time to understand their sexuality and sexual needs. Over time, this understanding evolves to embrace gender preferences, kinks and fetishes. In an ENM relationship, this paves the way for two consenting adults to understand what they desire without giving up the primary relationship,” she says.

Clinical psychologist Gitanjali Pillai says ENM is rooted in using socially acceptable guidelines and ethically motivated tools to cultivate a relationship built on the foundation of non-monogamy. At its core, ENM means not cheating or acting without your partner’s consent. “Idealistically, love is not ownership. We do not own the person we love—but society makes us believe otherwise, especially in India, where most think being possessive about someone equals protection. Even in an ENM model, there are no set ‘rules’. Rather, the people involved in a relationship will reach a mutual agreement about the relationship dynamic. Agreements imply that both (or all) people agree to something, making it an ethical and collaborative decision,” she notes.

 But there has been an influx of confessed non-monogamists who co-opt the language without trying to understand its theory. It’s important to note that ethical non-monogamy isn’t the same as being single and casually dating. “It’s about taking responsibility for your partners, factoring them into your decisions, considering their feelings, upholding your commitments and respecting their boundaries. In the Indian context, however, ethical non-monogamy is falsely perceived as just reading someone their rights and then doing whatever you want,” says Ruuh.

For Kevin, who wanted to be quoted anonymously for this story, setting boundaries, limits and expectations is key when working to facilitate a healthy and sustainable relationship. The 29-year-old came out in 2018 after confessing to being “dishonest with his soul” for years. But instead of playing the dating field, he jumped into a monogamous relationship with a man seven years his senior. “Initially, it was smooth sailing, but a year into the relationship, when experimenting with our sex life, he was closed to trying anything risque. We spoke about it and decided to open our relationship. I was honest: I wanted to explore certain kinks and fetishes that he wasn’t willing to indulge in,” he says. While his partner agreed to Kevin experimenting, the former said he wanted to be monogamous. However, Kevin found out later, accidentally, that his partner was engaging sexually with other men outside the boundaries of their relationship. “It broke me. I thought open communication would ensure that non-monogamy would eventually become a viable option for us.” 

Kevin is currently in an open relationship with a new partner. And while the arrangement works for him now, he believes he’s evolving towards ‘radical monogamy,’ which does away with the idea that monogamy is morally, romantically or otherwise superior to non-monogamous relationship styles or practices. “I don’t think any relationship style is better than the other. I’m open to the valid options that can and should be chosen personally,” he says. 

Open honesty

Pillai says when entering an ENM arrangement, frequent and sometimes scheduled check-ins to discuss the health of a relationship is imperative. “We’re humans, after all, so there will be jealousy or doubts, especially if both parties are new to the arrangement. So, any hang-ups or issues that need adjusting require discussion. Each person in the partnership should be allowed to feel heard and safe on an honest level.”

In my experience, the Utopian ideal of “anything goes as long as we’re honest” could damage a relationship’s health. As Ruuh notes, “It is essential to properly educate yourself on what you require in a relationship. Also, if your partner is not open to ENM, don’t push it. If those are the only terms you’re offering, your relationship will be mired in discontent and distrust because dissonance in thought almost always leads to contempt.”

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