For far too long, patterns of destructive behaviour might seem like heightened displays of love but there is deep toxicity underlying them
Trigger warning: This article contains descriptions of physical and emotional abuse.
The red flags were always there but it took Srishti Singh, a 26-year-old student of philosophy, more than two years to understand the chaotic superstructure of her relationship with her ex-partner. “He came from a traumatic background because he was orphaned early on and I had also gone through a series of broken relationships,” she tells The Established. “The emotional abuse started quite early on as he wouldn’t let me talk to my friends about our relationship, he’d threaten to harm me when I wanted to call it quits and I felt neglected every single day.”
On days that she wanted to leave him, he would baste her in guilt. He was broken and scattered, and she was leaving him midway? There was verbal abuse, too. But none of it seemed like abuse to Singh. To her, the prospect of leaving him seemed like letting go of whatever remnants of safety she felt in their good moments together.
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Trauma bonding is an umbrella term that can refer to a range of toxic behaviours including gaslighting and Stockholm’s Syndrome. Image: Pexels
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The signs are manifold: a subliminal fear of unhappiness; getting triggered by almost everything the abuser says or does; physical discomfort whenever you meet or talk to them. Image: Pexels
Singh’s case is a classic example of trauma bonding. According to neuropsychologist Jasdeep Mago, trauma bonding is an umbrella term that can refer to a range of toxic behaviours including gaslighting and Stockholm’s Syndrome.
“However, what separates trauma bonding [from other toxic behaviours] is the fact that you are not able to look beyond your high feelings of affection for the abuser,” she says. “We see variations of trauma bonding in cults where the leaders manipulate you to the point where you become ignorant of the abuse patterns.”
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“We’ve been fed this narrative that love is not easy, which I think is absolute bullshit," says Shweta Sangtani. Image: Pexels
Recognising trauma bonding
Mago recounts the case of a client who was in an intensely damaging trauma bonding relationship with her own parents—assuming that they could do no wrong and only cared for them even though all the other relatives and friends known to the family said a different story. “Such relationships are hard to unpack because one is always apprehensive to label someone so close as an abuser,” she says.
The signs are manifold: a subliminal fear of unhappiness; getting triggered by almost everything the abuser says or does; physical discomfort whenever you meet or talk to them where you might break into hives or other allergies; and always defending them in front of your family and friends who keep warning you.
“It becomes difficult to spot these signs early because they often mimic the feeling of first falling in love,” Mago explains. “For instance, you might get butterflies in your stomach when you first fall in love and you might feel a similar level of anxiety during the abusive course of the relationship; it might even trigger those with irritable bowel syndrome.”
In Singh’s case, both she and her boyfriend came from traumatic backgrounds. Is there a specific category of people who might be more prone to trauma bonding? Relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh says that adults with childhood abuse and unresolved trauma are usually more vulnerable to such bonds.
“Children from abusive homes are usually seeking a place or a person to belong,” says Ruuh. “They usually get trapped when so much affection and validation comes their way. They want to retain these relationships, as questioning the abuser would mean losing them. If an adult still shares a trauma-bonded relationship with their caregivers, there is a huge chance they will form such relationships with others too.”
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What would life be without your abuser? Neuropsychologist Jasdeep Mago says that anyone who is in a trauma bonding relationship must ask this question themselves. Image: Pexels
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What separates trauma bonding from other toxic behaviours is that you are not able to look beyond your high feelings of affection for the abuser. Image: Pexels
Ruuh adds that a combination of low self-esteem and fear of abandonment becomes the reason why a lot of people stay trapped in these relationships.
However, she has also seen emotionally healthy and confident people falling into these traps. The “lovebombing” is personalised and the abuser’s charm is simply too high to not get trapped.
The cycle of abuse
In Singh’s case, the abuse lasted for the better part of two years before she could get out of the relationship. With Shweta Sangtani, co-founder of the Sangya Project, her very first serious relationship when she was 17 years old turned out to be toxic pretty soon.
“What I learned from my relationship with him was how the toxicity sets in gradually. It starts off with the person getting annoyed with something or being distant,” she says. “I always assumed this is how relationships should be. The abuse began with an extreme form of possessiveness–I absolutely couldn’t speak with anyone from the opposite sex.”
“WHAT SEPARATES TRAUMA BONDING [FROM OTHER TOXIC BEHAVIOURS] IS THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO LOOK BEYOND YOUR HIGH FEELINGS OF AFFECTION FOR THE ABUSER”
Jasdeep Mago
A “systematic disconnect” from nearly everyone she loved followed. Whenever she retaliated, he simply told her that he was the victim. Considering the fact that it was her first relationship, Sangtani had no healthy reference point to compare things with.
“By the end of it, I had no friends and my family had no idea what I was going through,” she says. “I must have made at least seven attempts to get out of the relationship and it eventually ended with him blackmailing me, telling me that he’d leak our intimate pictures online if I left him. But by that time, I was so done with everything, that I thought I’d much rather have those pictures with the whole world than just him.”
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Even beyond the emotional abuse, the trauma bonding, at times, is so deeply interlaced with anxieties and insecurities that even physical abuse becomes normalised. Image: Pexels
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Any abuser is only as good as the power they have over you, the power you give them. Image: Pexels
Sangtani says that she would end up justifying everything in her head, using the good moments from their relationship and convincing herself that he wouldn’t come all the way to meet her, take her out for a date or give her something if he didn’t love her. “We’ve been fed this narrative that love is not easy, which I think is absolute bullshit because if you have to constantly fight for it, then it’s really not meant to be,” she says.
Even beyond the emotional abuse, the trauma bonding, at times, is so deeply interlaced with anxieties and insecurities that even physical abuse becomes normalised. “It was the only relationship in my life and I didn’t even know the term trauma bonding,” says Janhavi, a 27-year-old artist. “I had to even file an FIR without knowing the implications, simply because it was too physical. I wouldn’t go to work the next day because there were bruises on my face and I didn’t know how to explain it to my colleagues.”
“KEEP A JOURNAL. GASLIGHTING IS A BIG PART OF SUCH RELATIONSHIPS, YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU FELT IT, EVEN IF THEY TELL YOU IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. THIS JOURNAL CAN HELP YOU VENT AND HAVE A PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.”
Ruchi Ruuh
The realisation that she shouldn’t have been with her ex-partner for too long, came only later. She tried to get away from him and stopped pretending that she could fix him. “I had to really move away from him in a span of just one year, two houses during that time,” she says. “After everything that went down, he called to meet me at a bar just to sit and talk. We eventually went to his house where he hit me again to the point where I bled and asked me to remove all my clothes. At that moment, I really felt like I could die and no one would know.”
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Variations of trauma bonding can be seen in cults where the leaders manipulate you to the point where you become ignorant of the abuse patterns. Image: Pexels
Getting out of it
What would life be without your abuser? Neuropsychologist Jasdeep Mago says that anyone who is in a trauma bonding relationship must ask this question themselves.
“Sometimes, people are so enmeshed in a relationship that they cannot even begin to imagine a life without their abuser, so one must at least allow that possibility, dream of it,” she says. Ruuh says that one must build a strong support system around and find people one can trust and can rely on. “Keep a journal,” she suggests, “as gaslighting is a big part of such relationships, you need to know that you felt it, even if they tell you it didn't happen. This journal can help you vent and have a perspective on what is actually happening.”
Ruuh adds that one must stick to one’s narrative and not apologise without a reason. “Educate yourself about toxic relationships and red flags. Understand what a healthy relationship should feel like. Focus on yourself and have a strong purpose. Go out and meet people. Expose yourself to new ideas.”
In Norse mythology, there is a tale of two wolves, one good and one bad, each fighting inside one’s head. Which wolf eventually wins? The one that you feed the most. After all, any abuser is only as good as the power they have over you, the power you give them.
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If you’re in an abusive relationship, help is available–speak with someone today.
Aks Crisis Line
Hours: Available 24 hours
Language: English, Hindi, Marathi
+918793088814
The National Commission for Women has a dedicated 24x7 helpline for women in distress.
+917827170170
Aasra Crisis Line
Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Hindi
+919820466726
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