Why there’s nothing wrong in approaching a dating coach

As dating evolves in India, a growing number of coaches help you swipe on the right person

“Many of the queer clients we get are older. They have just stepped out of long marriages and are experimenting with their sexuality,” says Aili Seghetti, founder of The Intimacy Curator. The Intimacy Curator is a Mumbai-based organisation with pan-India operations. Its services are for those who need help navigating the complicated pathways of love and sexuality—finding it, exploring it and finding healing when the heart breaks.

Seghetti adds, “They [queer clients] might be exploring being bisexual or making a move on those belonging to the same sex. They have never done this before and it’s almost a coming-out experience. Touching a person of the same gender feels different and intimidating.”

The Intimacy Curator steps in to help them navigate not just how to bring up conversations surrounding sexual touch with their date, but literally the first barrier: how to find the date.

Understanding yourself better

In a world where finding a date is as easy as placing an order for a late-night snack on Swiggy and as anxiety-inducing as choosing between tens of toppings on your Subway sandwich, help comes from evolved dating coaches. Ten years ago, dating coaches in India largely focused on improving your soft skills and dressing right. For men, coaching was more about learning how to pick up women, following the sexist examples of movies such as Hitch. Today's relationship coaches want you to start with the inner work.

Bengaluru-based Radhika Mohta started a cohort-based course in January this year which aims to help people understand themselves better. “Once they get that clarity, we create an action plan aimed to meet their goals,” adds Mohta, 35, who shifted from a career in media and communications to relationship coaching when she realised that bringing people together was what brought her joy.

Clients, say Seghetti and Mohta, are looking to meet people and find a connection, but have not had enough exposure to the opposite sex. Mohta says, “They typically work in one of the top five cities in the country. They may not have had a lot of social exposure to the opposite gender early on in life.” But, not all might be hesitant in meeting a romantic interest. Sometimes, people’s checklist itself whittles down the dating pool.

“As an example, people come with a long checklist before the cohort. Then we work towards understanding that even if the person does meet someone who meets all 20 points, they may not be a 100 per cent match for them. Relaxing the filters immediately expands the dating pool. Also, trying not to reject someone after the first date, but giving the person and relationship one or two more chances,” says Mohta.

While both say that men form 70 per cent of their clientele and women 30 per cent, Mohta only takes on cis-gendered, heterosexual clients—“because I don’t feel I have the experience to help the queer in this regard”—looking for long-term, monogamous relationships, while Seghetti’s team does take on queer clients, as well as those looking for different kinds of relationships.

Navigating difficult questions

The dating coaches today will give you guidelines for the difficult questions: how long should you text before meeting, how to organise the perfect date. The toughest one is probably: “what do I put on my dating profile?”. “We discuss how to optimise their profile, communicate authentically. Don’t say I like reading and writing. Everybody likes that. Don’t become a copy-paste profile of your roommate,” says Mohta.

Seghetti says providing clarity means helping the client understand what they need and where they can find it. “I had a client in his late 20s. After discussions, we realised that he was looking to date the actress/model kind. You come to that realisation by asking what they find attractive, who are the people they like on social media. So, then we’d discuss where to take someone like her on a date, and what the budget of that date might look like. If people are looking for a long-term relationship, we direct them to the matchmaking apps. If they are looking for certain values, we suggest profile filters that will get them someone who fits that bill,” she adds.

Queer clients, Seghetti says, are typically sceptical of the safety on dating apps which have many profiles with hidden identities. “So we discuss how to ask someone out in an offline setting,” she adds. Seghetti’s Dating Surrogacy course is divided into three phases. While the first is understanding and fixing the dating profile, the second session goes deeper. She, or someone from her team, will accompany the client to a location, say a coffee shop, and observe the client’s reactions and interactions. “A lot of people have anxiety while talking to people of the opposite sex in public spaces. So we discuss what’s going on in their minds when we step out and how to calm oneself through breathing,” she says. They also train the client in conducting conversations by taking environmental cues.

If knowing when and how to approach the topic of sex is a tough call, Seghetti and her team will lead you through that too. “But there’s no kissing, or touching of genitals,” she says. Emphasis is placed on understanding consensual touch and asking for consent from the partner.

The proliferation of the dating industry

The dating industry is a booming one in India. As per data released by Statista, the Indian dating industry's revenue was $323 million (₹ 2,500 crores) in 2020. With Mohta charging ₹10,000 for a five-day, two-hour online course with two follow-up sessions, and Seghetti charging between ₹ 3,000 and Rs 10,000 per session, learning how to date is as expensive as dating.

The age of the clients ranges from mid-20s to 40s. Where they are in their dating journey is varied, too. “It could be someone who, after settling into their career, has just realised that they want to date. This happens often when parents start asking you about marriage and you want to explore options,” says Seghetti. “Or, it could also be someone who has just got divorced and is looking for a relationship, cognisant of the mistakes in their previous relationship,” adds Mohta.

Dr Alpes Panchal, consultant psychiatrist and de-addiction specialist, says that dating coaches are not very different from old-time matchmakers. “They also come with a checklist, but are directly involved with the person looking for the match instead of the parents, as it used to be. The nuances may be different, but the idea is the same. There’s nothing wrong with approaching a dating coach. When there are too many options and expectations, there is anxiety, and so you should seek help to address the problem. If one senses a bigger problem than just lack of companionship, one should seek help from a mental health professional. But I see nothing wrong in approaching a dating coach or intimacy consultant for a singular well defined complaint. But can practice help you get better at dating? I am not sure,” he says.

Interestingly, Mohta was once approached by the mother of a young woman living in Coimbatore. “The mother said that arranged marriages in their community often require exchange of a lot of gold. Since she didn’t wish to indulge in that practice, she wanted her daughter to find someone on her own,” Mohta adds.

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