Same-sex marriages: Is it time for legal recognition?

Two Indian queer couples talk on living & loving together, and taking the next step of marriage irrespective of whether it’s legalised by law

Recently, several petitions for same-sex marriage had come up in the law courts, which is the next step after Section 377 was decriminalised, legally allowing same-sex unions. The Established spoke to two couples who have been living together for several years now on the necessity of this legality for them, what it's like to make a home together and the importance of family acceptance.

Akshay Tyagi (35) and Ashish Mehta (35)

When Tyagi met Mehta online through a gay dating app, he was surprised to find someone who wanted a long-term relationship, just like him. "Because we all know what the chances of that are," he laughs.

Living together for close to four years, first in Mumbai and then in Goa before moving back to Mumbai, ask them what the most challenging part of adjusting to another was, and Tyagi explains, "I think it was about who looks after the house. Because he works from home (as a screenwriter) and I have a physical job (as a fashion stylist), so sometimes that homemaking responsibility goes up and down, and that is where it changes for the two of us. During the major part of the pandemic, when my work was at a standstill, then I was switching more into that homemaker mode and letting him work more." Adds Mehta, "There are no predefined rules, so everything is kind of new. Sometimes I'm at home doing all the home stuff, and sometimes it's the other way around."

It's the first time that both of them are living together with a same-sex partner. Mehta says it was more of an adjustment from his front since he was moving into Tyagi's place (in Mumbai). "I feel like, for me, when you encounter an unexpected situation when you're by yourself, you know how to deal with it, but when you're with someone else, there's another set of emotions to account for that can be unexpected. Like, when I moved in with Akshay, he had to make space for me, so a lot of his old stuff needed to be taken out, and he had to confront old baggage that he didn't really want to deal with…"

Tyagi jumps in, "I was not prepared for how cathartic it was going to be. And I've been pairing down sh*t ever since!" he laughs. "It was quite odd because I was single seven years prior, and with something as serious as this, I was like I've got to do this right. I wanted to see how I can make it perfect, get these cute Mr & Mr cups or something to make him feel comfortable in my space."

Parental acceptance is always something that everyone seeks when they bring someone special into their life. Tyagi was blown away at how accepting his parents were, something he didn't expect in his wildest dreams.

"With my parents, I was always preparing for the end of times, but they were exactly the opposite. They were like, 'Ok cool', and my dad was like, when do you both want to come over for dinner." The two sets of parents have been in touch over the years, "on birthdays and stuff", and have also stayed with them in Goa. "Our parents have spoken over the years to each other, like every couple of months. That has been reaffirming," says Tyagi. "With his folks (based in Delhi/Gurgaon), I met them, and they too responded really well."

Things were a little different for Mehta with his parents. "I was very anxious because I had tried to come out to them earlier, and it had not gone great. But I think I told them at the right time because I was with somebody and I had also moved out of the house, so they were a lot more accepting. But, on my part, it still takes a little bit of work because I can't sometimes believe that they're now so accepting and weren't earlier."

Having had several conversations about a wedding in the future, Tyagi says they are still trying to find that middle ground between each other's expectations. "I have always loved the idea of a wedding. I love the fact that it's a very joyous union of two people who celebrate, with song and dance and the full-on Bollywood sho-sha. I look at it from a surface point of view and over the years, Ashish and I have definitely had many discussions to try and find a common middle ground."

Is the fact that the law still does not recognise same-sex unions needle them? "For me, it doesn't make a difference whether the legality of a marriage is there or not because once again, it means seeking approval from an institution that has denied us for the longest time," says Mehta. "And after giving us this approval, what does it mean, really? There's still a lot of stigma out there, education that's needed etc.," adds Tyagi. "A wedding doesn't just mean signing some document or having a large-scale event for others—it's really about defining what it means to us, at the end of the day."

With plans of moving back to Mumbai and then later immigrating to Canada, says Tyagi, "When immigrating to Canada, one of the forms you have to fill out is a common-law declaration as partners which the government over there recognises. So, in some sense, we are already married."

Rupa Sengupta (33) and Anuja Parikh (36)

Sengupta and Parikh had seen each other on and off at various Gaysi parties that Parikh was in charge of organising, but it was only much later when Hollywood’s Elliot Page was visiting Mumbai for filming the documentary Gaycation that they actually got talking. "There were only three women who were willing to put their face out there, and we were two of the people," recalls Parikh.

That meeting led to seriously dating each other and finally living together at Parikh's place in Marine Drive for the last three years. "As an adjustment, I think it was big on my part because I had moved out of my house where I had been living on my own for 12 years," recalls Sengupta, "and here I was living with her and sharing this space, with her parents next door. So it was a running ecosystem of hers that I came into and had to fit in. Also, it took some time for her parents to warm up to me, to understand that now it's not just Anuja, she has a partner too."

Adds Parikh, "They had met Rupa many times through the years, but I think the adjustment period for them was how are we going to explain this to people."

Sengupta was also going through a trying phase when she just moved in. "It was right after my father passed away, and I was in a very bad emotional state because I had quit my job," she says. "Also, I'm not used to having house staff 24x7, so it was definitely an adjustment. It was no longer what I wanted the house to be like; it was what do 'we' want the house to be like," she chuckles. "Plus, she's Gujarati, and I'm Bengali – and I cannot eat dhokla for breakfast. She would be like, we are having chaat for dinner, and I would be like that's a snack, not a meal."

Having started an eco-friendly pet care products company together called Modern Tail, since they're both die-hard animal lovers, Parikh reveals, "It's not just that we are living together, we actually got engaged a couple of months ago. So, for us, we are a lot more involved in each other's families than may come across. For all intents and purposes, it is considered one family."

So, when's the big day? "So far, the plan is to do it this year. We have the liberty to make it a DIY wedding, so we've thought that we'll pick up all the best parts of Bengali and Gujarati traditions and create a hybrid of cultures," says Parikh, adding, "one of the biggest conversations we are having at the moment is what do we want this wedding to look like."

Does the concept of a marriage, if not legal by law, solidify their relationship in any way? "Earlier, I would always feel that I am a lesbian, and I'm not signing up for this heterosexual idea of a marriage," says Sengupta. "But that changed when I came into Anju's life. She has two brothers, and their kids hang with us, love us dearly and refer to us as 'aunts'. And this whole sense of family we started feeling since the last two years made me realise that a marriage is not just the legal part of it; it is also a sense of family—everyone comes together. Like, on my birthday, my mother makes food that Anuja likes."

"On the day that this engagement happened, it was like a switch just went off in my head," recalls Parikh, "a sense of responsibility towards the other person shifted gears and went into overdrive. It's like a surety to your relationship. And I feel we deserve as big a wedding as anybody else. So, why are we shying away from it? We've already been made to feel so small in the eyes of the heterosexual world, so now it's time to go for it."

Also Read: The lonely world of aging gay men

Also Read: Where are the queer romcoms in India?

Also Read: How this Indian trans woman battled abuse and bullying