The lonely world of aging gay men

Some of India’s most prominent senior gay men reveal the dark side of ageism

India has a fair share of ‘out and proud’ queer influencers in 2022, posting on Instagram or being patronised by corporate giants during Pride month but soon forgotten after. But cited in this story are veterans from India’s gay community—most in their senior years now—celebrated as LGBTQIA+ icons because they came out of the closet decades ago, long before Section 377 was decriminalised, putting their lives at risk. They, however, have faded into the background depicting the LGBTQIA+ community’s stark tryst with ageism.

Does grey hair have a silver lining

The dissonance for most gay men begins at adolescence, when the desire to come out of the closet is penalised by the shame of getting ostracised. As young adults, many take the plunge, with some painfully cutting themselves off from family if met with hostility. “Multiply that sense of isolation and foreboding manifold, if the gay man in question is a single, senior citizen,” says make-up artist Cory Walia (62), who was most sought-after by Bollywood in the 90’s.

From being ‘belle of the ball’ who boldly hosted gay parties at his Mumbai apartment when he was in his teens, in an era when the thought of a nightclub hosting queer nights would have invited a police raid, Walia now seeks quietude. Single, seeking neither physical intimacy nor emotional companionship, the recluse admits to vulnerability. “I have four nephews, but I know that none of them are coming to care for me should anything happen,” he says. A round-the-clock support system made up of a right hand, a cook and two domestic staff who offer aid instead.

As gay men grow older, should they too pair off in couples, have surrogate children or adopt orphans, following archaic relationship models of heteronormativity? “There is no guarantee that older cis-het men are safer; children can be predatory, siphoning their parent’s retirement funds,” says Ashok Row Kavi (74), identifying as polyamorous, with two much younger male lovers in tow. He was the first man to publicly come out as gay in India way back in 1984, setting up India’s first LGBTQ centre, the Humsafar Trust in Mumbai. Neither of Row Kavi’s paramours cohabit with him, diabetes and high blood pressure ail him, his ‘chosen family’ are a few female friends who have even driven him down to hospital, on a couple of occasions.

Stepping down from his post as chairperson at the Humsafar Trust two years ago set in motion his next venture, a support circle for elderly gay men called Mumbai Seenagers that he co-founded with fellow activist Dr. Prasad Dhandekar. “You often think of coming out as teenage angst, but we still have a few closeted members who aren’t out to their families or heterosexual wives, even at that stage of life,” Row Kavi reveals, highlighting how fractured reality can be for some aging gay men.

A case for marriage equality

Sridhar Rangayan (59), the founder of Kashish Mumbai International Queer Film Festival and his partner of twenty-seven years, Saagar Gupta, live in a rented apartment in the far north of Mumbai. “It is difficult to find rented apartments for two bachelors living together. Not being married creates its own limitations and I hope that same-sex marriage laws in India will come through soon,” he points out.

Despite being the flag bearers of equality, Rangayan points out blatant ageism in the community. “Young gay men avoid older homosexuals unless they are sugar daddies. There is a lack of care and respect for elders from the LGBTQ community,” he says, highlighting the absence of older men in gay clubs and on Grindr.

The late Wendell Rodricks and Jérôme Marrel (66) were married for eighteen years under France’s civil partnership law, before the fashion designer passed away in his hometown Goa in 2020. “There are moments of grief,” Marrel admits, “but there is so much work with the upcoming opening of the Moda Goa Museum & Research Center in Colvale (Rodrick’s upcoming costume museum) that there isn’t much time to cry.” His advice is robust: “My advice for queer millennials is to form steady relationships which will help you through the latter half of your life,” he says. “As for the seniors, stay active and on your feet.”

Looking for greener pastures

Berlin-based filmmaker Zahid Dar’s (65) latest gay-themed film Love Is… brought him to India often before production got stuck in limbo due to the pandemic. Born to immigrants who moved from pre-Independence Kashmir to Kenya and then to the United Kingdom, Dar has multicultural views on gay rights. “I'm living in a shared flat with my ex-partner in Berlin, while waiting to marry my current boyfriend from Kolkata, who'll be my third live-in partner, but my first officially registered married partnership,” he says of the unconventional arrangement. “I'm confident that I'll be looked after in my old age either by my partner or through carers paid for by my pension.”

Even though he has never been to the local support group for older men called Halbzeit (Halftime), Dar feels reassured by the presence of resources and living facilities for LGBTQIA+ seniors in the German capital.

Housing for the queer community

India’s Transgender Protection Act (2019) has created provisions to protect the third gender’s aging concerns with twenty-five shelters being planned across the country. While trans women are often clumped together with gay men, their psychological needs can be very pronounced from each other. Prince Manvendra Singh Gohil, the world’s first openly gay royal, opened up his 15-acre palace grounds in Hanumanteshwar to help house vulnerable gay men in their last stages of life. His Lakshya Trust’s outreach programme spreads HIV awareness by distributing free condoms.

“I observed that gay men have a natural flair for nursing. I’ve employed a lot of younger gay men as nurses here, to act as caregivers by checking blood pressure, vital statistics and other minor medical procedures. You’re supporting both generations, as well as generating employment opportunities for a marginalised demographic,” he says.

LGBTQIA+ centres like the Humsafar Trust and the Goa Rainbow Trust have counselling services but the consensus is that there is a dearth of senior care amenities for aging gay men. Activist Anjali Gopalan’s Naz Foundation in Delhi was the first NGO that challenged Section 377. “The community itself will have to create a network of LGBT-specific senior assisted living homes, keeping in mind that it has to span across luxury, mid-range and affordable segments,” she ends.

Also Read: Where are the queer romcoms in India?

Also Read: India is toying with sexual wellness more than ever