How to navigate toxic exes who refuse to leave

From being in an endless loop of repeatedly endings things and getting back together to being held hostage every time you try to break up, toxic exes can weave an elaborate pattern of lies and manipulation to hold you back

In the French film Water Drops on Burning Rocks (2000) directed by François Ozon, the many faces of toxic love is revealed through the story of a 50-year-old businessman Léopold who prioritises his pleasure over everything else. Even if it means driving his ex to the point of suicide because he didn’t give her enough time, seducing a much younger boy who grows to detest him but stays back because the sex is good, or indirectly forcing a man to transition into a woman.

“I thought he will love me more if I became a woman,” she confides in the young boy.

Towards the end, this trans woman confronts him, wanting to escape his hold. But Léopold rubbishes her concerns, trivialises her trauma and simply asks her to join him for a threesome. The film ends with a metaphorical scene that captures the toxic loop she is in: she wants to jump to her death but cannot open the jammed window. The camera pulls back to reveal her struggling, trying to get out but stuck.

In many ways, Léopold is your toxic fuckboy. We have seen versions of him, across genders, all around us. They want to hold on to you without truly loving you. Why can’t they just leave, we often wonder. Or, more importantly, why can’t we seem to escape them?

According to clinical psychologist Dr Anjali Gowda Ferguson, there might be several reasons why individuals may choose to stay in relationships past their due date.

“Firstly, although some relationships may become ‘toxic’ or difficult over time, there are emotional connections that are built that can be hard to leave,” she says. “These emotions can range from continued love, hope, denial of a need for change and even codependency that is established over time. Sometimes, dependent on personality types and their own histories of trauma, some individuals may refuse to leave a relationship out of a need for control.”

She adds that environmental and circumstantial resources can impact why someone may be resistant to leave a relationship. These can include finances, shared custody or parental responsibilities, and even access to community and social support.

An endless loop

In the case of Maithili, a 29-year-old designer, her boyfriend would often gaslight her into believing that it was she who needed him, that he was doing her a favour by not leaving her in the lurch.

“At one point, he even compared our situation to Israel and Palestine,” she says. “He quoted the former Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, who famously said that he cares for Palestinians more than their own leaders. Whenever I thought I’d left him for good, he would find ways of getting back to me–sending me pictures of us together, wanting to feed my dog, returning my clothes.”

According to psychiatrist and psychotherapist Dr Syeda Ruksheda, this is referred to as “breadcrumbing,” whereby a toxic ex will do everything in their control to get you back–from asking for that break-up sex one last time, growing close to your family and meeting you under the pretext of meeting them.

“Often, you will also end up falling in this loop because it might validate you; this almost becomes an addictive chemical cycle that must be recognised,” she said. “You cannot let these indirect attempts at reconnecting back to you repeat all over again.”

Managing threats

In Maithili’s case, after her multiple futile attempts at leaving her boyfriend, he had started to threaten suicide. Initially what seemed like hollow threats, gradually materialised into graphic pictures of self-harm. What if he was serious? How was it fair on her?

“This is a very tricky situation to manage,” says Gowda Ferguson. “You always want to take suicidal ideation seriously and at face value; however, at times, suicide can be used as a form of emotional abuse. In these circumstances, it is important that you seek your own support in the form of a mental health professional and trusted social support. You should also support your partner by always providing them with crisis hotlines and access to their own mental health providers while maintaining your boundaries.”

She says that by establishing one’s own support groups, one can remain grounded and focused on one’s needs through the process to avoid the impacts of gaslighting that can occur in these circumstances.

“One way to maintain your boundaries is to express care for your partner while directing them to emotional support outside of yourself (i.e. “I really care about you and don’t want you to harm yourself, but I cannot stay right now. I am going to call your friend/therapist/sibling to come over so they can help you through this right now.”)

Towards healing

Often, we end up blaming ourselves if all we had were toxic exes. Maybe, we wonder, the problem is really with us that the world’s toxicity lands up at our door? This, experts say, can lead to long-term damage and irreparably damage one’s self-esteem.

In the case of Gautam, a 32-year-old manager, healing from the toxicity of his wife was a long and arduous journey. He’d stopped believing that he was even meant for love in the first place. “A lot of unlearning must happen once you are out of such relationships,” he says. “If we end up believing all the gaslighting, we will never experience love of any kind in our lives. Each of us deserves to be loved to the fullest and we all deserve to heal.”

Considering the nature of emotionally abusive or ‘toxic’ relationships, it’s easy for partners to blame themselves for certain outcomes. Gowda Ferguson says that in the case of narcissistic abuse, some of the common tactics are gaslighting, control and belittling that can leave a partner conditioned to blame themselves for negative circumstances.

“Through the healing process, remember that your needs are important,” she says. “So start by doing a self-assessment–are your wants, needs, and desires being met and fulfilled in the relationship? Here, focus on the facts and truths. We have a tendency to romanticise our relationships even when they are harmful. Be truthful and factual and name the experience for yourself so you can move forward.”

Dr Ruksheda suggests that the vacuum left, even by a toxic person, must not be filled with having endless slices of cake and ice cream or by resorting to rebound relationships and drugs but with healthy patterns that always nourished you–a habit as simple as reading a book, going for a morning walk, looking at the setting sun, going for that well-deserved spa visit, and prioritising yourself instead of being a people pleaser.

The next step would be to combat negative and intrusive thoughts. Dr Gowda Ferguson says that this may look different for everyone but when you have a negative self-blame thought, challenge it with a truth or affirmation that counters that thought

“So, if the negative thought is that I never showed them enough love and that’s why this relationship didn’t work, you need to counter it by thinking of all the times you displayed love and affection and what that moment looked and felt like.”

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