Why do urban Indians have a hard time understanding consent?

From assuming implied consent to not understanding that it can be withdrawn anytime, most urban Indians keep taking consent for granted

“I have understood, at first with anger, then with amusement, that men are not interested in what women have to say,” wrote Paromita Vohra in her popular column for the Times of India in 2018 when #MeToo was at its peak across the country. “For men, smart women are, at best, trophy listeners, a high-level audience to endorse their interesting image. With hot girls, they just pretend harder,” Vohra wrote. 

Rohena Bhatt, a 29-year-old teacher of sociology based in Hyderabad, first read this column when she’d called out her former superior for nearly a decade of sexual harassment. It gave shape to her thoughts—the thoughts that had informed her life for so long. “It would help all of us a great deal if most men would understand that consent actually is sexy and makes things fun,” she tells The Established. “Sure, most cases of consent violation can be understood by understanding the dynamics of power play, but ultimately it’s just poor emotional intelligence and a lack of self-awareness on the part of some men.”

Red light, green light

Recently, a survey conducted by the dating app Tinder discovered that urban Indians indeed have a hard time navigating consent. In a post-#MeToo world, these findings clarify what many women have felt, particularly with supposedly “well-read” and “well-travelled” men. 

The way intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal sees it, consent can only be understood if viewed holistically: “What comes before consent? What are we consenting to? Consent becomes absent when people believe sex is something men do to women. I see the same stereotype reinforced in many same-sex couples, too.”

Barnwal adds that because we have such a limited discussion even around sex, it is by default that even discussion around consent is limited and superficial. “For many couples, sex is a game of green light and red light; it’s just meeting some KPIs and ejaculation. But the language of consent is co-creation. Where are you at this moment and where am I at this moment? It’s moment-based. Consent doesn’t mean saying yes to the whole process,” she explains. 

Mehr, a 34-year-old social media manager, tells us that her current husband quite literally trembled when she says no to sex. To him, the idea that she can “deny sex” is near synonymous to divorce. “In those moments, I want to laugh at him but I can’t. I’ve been a mother to all my partners and I can’t be a mother again.”

If one needs to to broaden the idea of sex to understand the nuances of consent by extension, where does one begin? Can emotional intelligence be strengthened? “We need to understand that sex is a bonding activity. What do we bring in this moment in our true selves? Don’t tie it down. You need to understand how it is going moment by moment. Redirect the encounter, bring it to a close if it’s not working.”

Barnwal says that much like life, even sex has its wobbly moments that must be taken in one’s stride instead of being personal about it. In those wobbly moments, men cannot bulldoze or manipulate their way into extracting consent when none exists in that moment. “Being real and authentic to yourself is important. Maybe you’re scared to be authentic?”

The root of consent 

What is so uniquely dysfunctional about most urban Indians, particularly the more economically well-off one, in not understanding consent? They have everything that should seemingly expose them to the nuances of interpersonal relationships—privilege, generational wealth, exposure to a greater variety of people and access to more varied pop culture. 

According to relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh, this is so because we are never taught consent or the importance of saying no. “In India, saying no to anything is frowned upon, even if it's another chapati. We grow up being forced to do many things. This guilt that we accumulate in childhood never leaves us. Another reason why consent remains hazy and unclear is because urban Indians prefer to live in 'maybes'—we don't confidently say yes or no. We like to keep it polite.”

Ruuh adds that Bollywood glorifies the idea further; movies degrade consent by making it look like the woman wants it too but is denying it only to appear coy. “All the lyrics point towards the coyness the woman feels by saying no, just to be coerced into submission by the male. Actors Dimple Kapadia and Rishi Kapoor dancing to 'jane do na, paas aao na' in the film Saagar (1985) is probably one of the best examples of this observation. We still feel if a person is drunk, intoxicated or wearing short clothes, they are asking for it.”

Any understanding of consent must accommodate how toxic masculinity contaminates our choices. According to a study published in the journal Sex Roles, men who endorse hazy ideas of consent and rigid patriarchal norms tend to find themselves less happy as they begin to age, owing to the fact that they can be subjected to social isolation. Another 2020 study titled Toxic Masculinity and Its Impact on the Indian Culture found that consent completely destabilises the empathy that should inform any relationship, further dehumanising the partner and treating them like animals who cannot speak so can be taken for granted. 

“Men take it to their ego if denied,” adds Ruuh. “If a woman says no, she is tagged as a prude. We still feel a woman has no autonomy over herself and treat her to be weak and dependent.”

How to say NO

Relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh lists down a few pointers to navigate consent, applicable in all romantic relationships–cishet and queer:

1. Don't assume that if someone's saying NO that means that they don't value you or love you any less. People can love you and still want something else.

2. Establish clear boundaries in a relationship. Enmeshment doesn't equal love. If something makes you uncomfortable, learn to say NO to it and reinforce that boundary as many times with love, respect and assertiveness. 

3. Let go of the assumption that if you are with someone, you have control over them. You are not each other's property and are instead just two people sharing a common space.

4. Work on issues of jealousy. Talk to your partner about any such insecurities as jealousy leads to controlling behaviour. 

5. Learn to ask for consent properly; for example:
“Do you want to…?”

“Can I…?”

“Are you comfortable…?”

“Do you like…?”

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