Do women bear a bigger burden in an age-gap relationship?

For some couples, age is simply a number in their relationship

When you think of couples with a significant age gap, several famous examples of celebrities come to mind. One of the classic cases is that of reality TV pioneer Anna Nicole Smith, who, radiating youth with her striking appearance, stood next to her then-elderly 89-year-old billionaire husband on their wedding day. Another well-known example is Madonna, who has been in relationships with significantly younger partners, and Leonardo DiCaprio, whose girlfriends often appear much younger than him. Closer home, there’s the Hrithik Roshan-Saba Azad pairing and Priyanka Chopra Jonas and Nick Jonas. While it is heartening to see that such relationships are becoming increasingly common and accepted, it's worth noting that couples with substantial age differences often have to navigate the challenges of societal perceptions.

These couples may still encounter hushed whispers within their social circles and disapproving glances from both immediate and extended family members. Then there's the name-calling: Cradle snatcher, sugar-daddy, toy-boy, cougar… terms that are loaded with baggage and undermine the relationships they describe. 

Numbers don't lie

According to a recent study by Bumble, a significant 81 per cent of Indians surveyed view age as merely a number, emphasising that it does not dictate the success of a relationship. The study also highlights a positive shift away from outdated beliefs about gender and power dynamics in relationships. An impressive 84 per cent of those surveyed believe that age-gap relationships are now more accepted than they were in the past. 

A significant 76 per cent of those surveyed believe that age-gap relationships are no longer seen as an idealised concept, reflecting a more realistic and inclusive perspective on relationships. Additionally, as partners age, the significance of age gaps in relationships diminishes over time. According to the survey, 74 per cent of Indians feel that age-gap relationships become less significant as partners grow older. 

And then there are the dating pressures that most Indian women feel as they grow older. A notable 39 per cent of single women surveyed express that dating becomes more challenging as they age. Interestingly, this sentiment is more pronounced among millennial women, with 44 per cent feeling that dating gets more difficult as they grow older, compared to 35 per cent of Gen Z women.

Furthermore, the fear of judgment from family and friends is a significant barrier to open-mindedness about age-gap relationships. About 33 per cent of those surveyed in India feel that this fear hinders their ability to embrace such relationships fully. 

Diverting gazes and confusion

Priyanka, 35, and her partner, Shikha, 47, have been together for about four-and-a-half years. The couple met at a social mixer for queer women in Bengaluru in 2018. They found themselves sharing space on the dance floor and struck up a conversation at the bar later that night. They exchanged numbers and decided to have dinner a few days later. A few months later, they started dating. Did Priyanka have concerns about the age difference? "I'm used to being in age-gap relationships. When I was 25, I dated a woman 10 years my senior. But in our case, Shikha has kids from her previous marriage. It does get a little tricky, especially when the kids question her about me and our equation. We haven't told them anything yet," says Priyanka.

The women, however, admit to struggling with coping with judgments from people in their inner circles. One of the most difficult situations has been when strangers mistake them for being mother and daughter. "It can be quite embarrassing. I recall a specific incident when we visited a wellness studio, and the practitioner assumed we were mother and daughter. It was really distressing for her, and I remember speaking up and clarifying that she's actually my partner. Unfortunately, in certain situations, people tend not to take our relationship seriously," says Priyanka.

How are age-gap relationships viewed?

Therapist and life coach Asha Saxena believes that while the taboos surrounding age-difference relationships have certainly eased over the past decade, some societal norms still persist. "These norms often suggest that individuals should seek partnerships with people who are within a narrow age range, typically favouring a slight age gap where the man is older than the woman," she says. 

Saxena suggests that while research on LGBTQIA+ individuals is still inconclusive regarding age-gap relationships, it is reasonable to assume that similar societal norms apply. However, she points out that the queer community, which tends to be more accepting of differences, may have greater agency and freedom to make relationship decisions that diverge from the status quo around age.

As for what constitutes a "large age gap" in relationships, it can be somewhat subjective and context-dependent. "In many societies, a significant age gap is often considered to be around 10 years or more between partners," she says.

More on her radar? 

Chennai-based Rishabh, 32, and Surya, 47, met online in January 2019 and started dating three months later. Surya says the age difference is more prominent in her thoughts than in his. "During the initial six months of our relationship, I often found myself questioning why my partner would choose to be with someone my age. Whenever I saw groups of 20-year-old girls, I couldn't help but wonder why he wouldn't opt for someone in their age bracket. This insecurity regarding the age difference was a constant presence in my thoughts. It's less now," says Surya. 

As a single mother, Surya had concerns about introducing someone new into her son's life, especially if it wasn't going to be a long-term commitment. "I worried about my partner's aspirations. He had dreams of starting his own family and getting married, which are things I can't offer at this point in my life. So, I had reservations about potentially hindering his youth and dreams," she says.

In the early months of their relationship, Rishabh reassured Surya that these things weren't as important to him as being with her. "There's been a shift, though, in the past few months. It's become evident that his dreams and priorities have evolved. He now finds contentment in what we have together. But I still have occasional concerns that, in the future, he may strongly desire to have his own family. While I try not to dwell on this too much, it remains a consideration in the back of my mind," she says. 

Can relationships survive the age gap?

Counsellor Jacintha C believes a two-year age gap is optimum for a relationship to survive. "Relationships, particularly those with significant age differences, can attract attention and sometimes judgment from people outside the relationship. This external scrutiny and societal norms can place stress on the couple, potentially leading to difficulties or even dissolution. The second explanation revolves around the differing life stages of individuals in the relationship. While the initial spark of love may bridge these gaps, over time, couples might realise that their interests, hobbies, habits, and overall lifestyles are significantly different. These disparities can lead to a growing realisation of incompatibility," she says.

Considering the major life stages, such as starting a career, getting promoted, dealing with loss, or retiring, it can indeed be advantageous when a couple experiences these stages together, says Saxena, adding: "Shared experiences in these key life moments can foster a sense of unity and understanding within the relationship."

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