Why do people in happy relationships cheat?

While it might be tempting to assume that people who cheat aren’t in very satisfying relationships, it so happens  that those very much in love with their partners sometimes commit infidelity too

Imagine a married individual goes online explicitly looking to start an affair. What’s their story? How do they feel about the institution of marriage? Why are they looking to cheat? Will they end up having an affair? If so, what will that mean for their existing relationship? And thinking about these questions, there’s a good chance that you may have pictured someone who is profoundly unhappy in their marriage and is looking for an exit from a relationship that will inevitably end. Well, that does reflect reality for some married folx seeking affairs. But the story is far more complicated. Different people cheat for different reasons. And sometimes, even those in happy marriages and relationships commit infidelity, which doesn’t always mean the end of a relationship. In fact, some studies suggest that following an affair, as few as one in five people break up as a direct result of it. 

“More and more couples are starting to reject the idea of conventional monogamous partnerships, embracing a new idea of a relationship that can give them the flexibility to explore their sexuality. The shift in perspective on relationships in Indian society is a good example of the country’s acceptance of individuality and personal autonomy. Contrary to popular opinion, a recent study revealed that Indians have a strong propensity for exploration, with over 60 per cent of them having tried swinging and other unconventional forms of dating,” says Sybil Shiddell, India’s country manager for Gleeden, an extramarital dating app. 

While it is not certain whether the motive for wanting to engage in an extramarital affair is rooted in an unhappy marriage, it is abundantly clear that Indian women are wanting to test the waters. In a survey conducted by Gleeden in March 2023, 52 per cent of women from Kolkata, 42 per cent from Delhi, and 40 per cent from Mumbai have expressed interest in an extramarital affair, while 40 per cent from Ludhiana, 39 per cent from Jaipur, and 38 per cent from Ahmedabad have also indicated that they have considered or acted on infidelity.

The root cause

Mumbai-based Chitra (name changed on request) and her ex-boyfriend ended their five-year-long relationship in April this year after what she says “was a fulfilling exploration”. During this period, she didn’t doubt her partner’s fidelity. “He was a loving partner, always planning surprises, taking me out for dinners regularly, and constantly planning vacations. He’d make it a point to spend much time with me after work. And then came the confession: ‘I’ve been having an affair’,” she says.

Chitra tried to understand what propelled her former partner to cheat, but all he could explain was that it was “a moment of weakness with a colleague.” “It’s quite funny to think that most people, if you ask them, say they want a monogamous relationship, but then they cheat. And the common narrative we hear in the popular media is that infidelity is prompted by being unhappy in the relationship and that infidelity is this thing that inevitably pushes people to the brink, but the story’s more complex. In my case, there were no telling signs of unhappiness,” she says.

Chitra and her ex are taking a break, and the former may consider returning with him. They are presently seeing therapists separately. 

New Delhi-based therapist Viraj Mehta believes that in healthy relationships, infidelity may occur not due to dissatisfaction with one’s partner, but instead because of dissatisfaction with oneself. Individuals can easily find themselves torn between “What do I truly desire?” and “What do others expect from me?”

“For those who have spent their entire lives conforming to societal expectations, breaking free from those norms can be an exhilarating and profound experience, surpassing the act of cheating itself. In such cases, the cheating partner’s new-found love is not for someone else, but for the liberated, daring, and adventurous version of themselves [that] they become during the affair.” He goes on to say that when individuals are genuinely content in their relationship, the likelihood is that the partner engaging in infidelity hasn’t fallen out of love with their current partner. Instead, they have found a new, enthralling love for the person they evolve into while embracing their freedom and taking risks.

Affairs are complex

In some cases, affairs are complex because somebody might go out and have an affair, meet somebody else, but then realise they won’t find somebody better than their current partner in specific ways. And so it could actually, in that sense, maybe strengthen the primary relationship, feels Ankur (name changed on request). The Bengaluru-based techie admits to cheating on his partner of three years on multiple occasions. “In most cases, when I have an affair, I tell myself: ‘Well, maybe that was fun in terms of, you know, having sex with somebody else, or you know, having this opportunity to connect, but I still love my partner, and I’m not going to find a replacement for them.’”

And while it pains him to admit it, Ankur says a “dead bedroom” has been his main motivation to have affairs. “This isn’t my partner’s fault, as she has clarified that her current struggles with PCOS have affected her drive. I felt hapless in my relationship. I am a sexual man, and I almost felt robbed of my autonomy to indulge in an activity that does give me a release. Should I have communicated it to my partner? Yes. Do I expect her to forgive me? No,” he says. 

Bringing about balance

Mehta says counterfactual thinking, a psychological concept that mentally stimulates alternative outcomes to past events or situations, could be one of the reasons why people cheat. “It could be that individuals in happy relationships could still regret how certain relationships may have panned out in the past. In other words, it involves thinking about what might have happened if certain aspects of the past had been different. These alternative scenarios can be either upward counterfactuals (imagining better outcomes than what actually occurred) or downward counterfactuals (imagining worse outcomes than what occurred),” he explains. 

Mehta says it’s essential to cultivate your own and your partner’s sense of autonomy in a relationship. “I think where a lot of the struggle around monogamy and long-term relationships happens is that the way we think about relationships is often in this very possessive sense. This tends to restrict and reduce autonomy and independence in a relationship. And then that can be the factor that might push people to seek affairs or to become dissatisfied in the relationship. So finding a way to balance that, you know, how are we together and have our time but also have a sense of self-autonomy, of independence, is important as well, and it’s a tricky thing to try and balance.”

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