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We reveal the psychology behind why long-distance relationships work and why they don't

How couples should navigate the long-distance dilemma

An interminable distance in any relationship can be hard, so why do we choose to do it? For some of us, in our 20s, our relationships take on an increased level of seriousness. We are also presented with several opportunities to travel, move to new places, to try new positions and jobs, and figure out what we want from our lives simultaneously. However, our partners sometimes make different decisions. This throws up what can only be termed as the 'long-distance dilemma'—where distance can cause much friction and conflict.  We attempt to examine the crucial considerations and signs that your long-distance relationship will last, and how to know when to call it quits. 

In The Lunchbox, Nimrat Kaur and Irrfan Khan begin a unique relationship in which they are able to communicate about their pleasures and sorrows without ever having met in person. Image: IMDB

In The Lunchbox, Nimrat Kaur and Irrfan Khan begin a unique relationship in which they are able to communicate about their pleasures and sorrows without ever having met in person. Image: IMDB

While most people want their relationships to reflect Noah and Allie from The Notebook, that is rarely the case. Image: IMDB

While most people want their relationships to reflect Noah and Allie from The Notebook, that is rarely the case. Image: IMDB

The bone of contention

"This becomes a conundrum for those of us dating in our 20s and 30s. During these decades, our romantic relationships suddenly take on a whole new level of seriousness as we consider the relationship's longevity and nature. This could be our ‘forever person,’ and that level of seriousness is not what we typically have during our teenage years. But at the same time, our 20s and 30s also pose this unique time that presents so many opportunities to travel, to work abroad or across the country. These are opportunities we may not want to say no to, but sometimes the choices we make may not align with what our partner decides to do," says 35-year-old, Mumbai-based Kim Rebeiro, who has been in a long-distance relationship for a decade now. 

Rebeiro tells The Established that she and her partner, who is seven years younger than her, are contemplating ending their 10-year courtship because it's becoming increasingly clear that while she wants to get married next year, her partner wants to focus on his career. "Distance can be hard in any relationship. It disturbs closeness. It's hard to make shared memories. It can also be expensive when we account for travel, and it's hard when you have to say goodbye as well. You know, there's no cutting corners here. It's going to be difficult, and it will test whether this person is the right one for you. For all the correct reasons, it tests your boundaries and the nature of your innate connection," says Rebeiro. 

Distance and emotional bonds

Research has delved into how distance plays a role in shaping our emotional bonds with others. Individuals in long-distance relationships (LDRs) may exhibit a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, which involves being cautious about forming deep connections and downplaying the significance of relationships. However, the heightened trust, communication, and emotional closeness within LDRs can also cultivate a secure attachment style. This style is marked by feeling at ease with emotional vulnerability and believing that close relationships are both nurturing and secure.

Moreover, the time spent in a long-distance relationship can also influence attachment styles. Those engaged in lengthier LDRs might be more inclined to adopt a fearful-avoidant attachment style, characterised by apprehensions about intimacy and abandonment. This could stem from the uncertainty and unpredictability inherent in such relationships, compounded by the absence of physical proximity.

Conversely, some individuals navigating LDRs might cultivate a more favourable outlook on relationships and attachment styles. They could appreciate the significance of emotional bonds and effective communication, leading to developing an enhanced sense of autonomy and self-reliance. 

Distance can be hard in any relationship. It disturbs closeness. It's hard to make shared memories. Image: Freepik

Distance can be hard in any relationship. It disturbs closeness. It's hard to make shared memories. Image: Freepik

Hard decisions

New Delhi-based psychologist Asha Saxena says a long-distance arrangement born out of a professional offer can be tricky to navigate, especially if a couple has been together for over three years. "Once a relationship crosses the three-year mark, deciding to move out of a city because of a new job will need careful consideration. The shift becomes easier if both partners are open to navigating an LDR. But, if one partner decides to give up on a job because they want to stay back for their partner, it could damage the relationship. Lost opportunities can create regret and resentment, making it challenging to achieve psychological closure. Because you can't change the past, the sacrificial partner will always be haunted by the 'what if.'" 

Saxena believes that if you're faced with the dilemma of saying 'yes' or 'no' for the sake of your relationship, you should always say ‘yes’. "What's now in question is whether the relationship you're currently in will grow with you into this new situation or you would both be better off kind of calling it quits," she says. 

The psychological factor

Relationships are built on psychological and physical factors like proximity, closeness, and reciprocity. And when one of these is weakened, both parties can struggle to maintain that romantic connection and sense of trust. "As humans, we have an inherent need for physical closeness, and when that connection is absent or limited, it contributes to a range of feelings, from loneliness to longing to frustration, which are projected onto your partner. Here, the projection is a psychological coping mechanism whereby we attribute our feelings to another person, rather than acknowledging just the holistic difficulty of the situation that we are in. We don't see it as the distance; we see it as our partner needs to put in more effort," says Rahul (name changed on request), who identifies as polyamorous. 

Despite maintaining an open and transparent stance with his primary partner in Mumbai before moving to Bengaluru for work and, in turn, spending more time with his secondary partner (who is a Bengaluru native), the relationship slowly started to fall apart over the past year. "My primary partner started demanding more time from me and expected me to make more trips to Mumbai because she wasn't getting leave from work. In time, she cut ties with my secondary partner, her close friend. After about five months, I decided to move back because I didn't want to lose her. My secondary partner decided she wanted out of the relationship too because the dynamic didn't feel natural and comfortable to her anymore," he says.

Chennai-based therapist Prasad Nair, who has counselled many couples in an LDR conundrum, says the lack of physical closeness and the strain that places on a relationship can be traced back to the effect and the influence of dopamine. "Of course, dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure and reward, in addition to oxytocin, which is the chemical that allows us to feel love and trust. These neurochemicals are released at much higher rates when we are physically closer to someone and can hug and kiss them and be in their presence, making us feel fantastic. And as time passes, if you've spent much time around this person, you've fallen in love. We then come to depend on these chemicals and how they create a sense of closeness and intimacy. So when we become physically distanced, we can flow into a sense of withdrawal. When these chemicals and neurotransmitters release at a low rate, it creates stress, longing and even physical pain," says Nair. 

Beyond the Sea stars Aaron Paul Cliff and Josh Hartnett David as astronauts who use robot duplicates back on Earth to visit their loved ones. Image: Netflix

Beyond the Sea stars Aaron Paul Cliff and Josh Hartnett David as astronauts who use robot duplicates back on Earth to visit their loved ones. Image: Netflix

Shershaah isn’t only about Vikram Batra (Siddharth Malhotra), it’s also about his long-distance relationships with his wife, Dimple Cheena (played by Kiara Advani). Image: IMDB

Shershaah isn’t only about Vikram Batra (Siddharth Malhotra), it’s also about his long-distance relationships with his wife, Dimple Cheena (played by Kiara Advani). Image: IMDB

Questions to be considered

Saxena says there are some considerations and questions to ask yourself before you dive right into deciding whether to pursue a long-distance relationship. "The number one consideration is goal alignment and the future. There is no point in putting yourself under this pressure otherwise. If you both see this relationship as a short-term one, it makes sense to end things. But do you want to be with this person in the long run? And do they feel the same? It would help if you discussed your long-term goals and aspirations with your partner before you jump into doing long-distance," says Saxena. Some other considerations are: Are you both on the same page regarding the future of the relationship and the willingness to eventually close that gap and close the distance? Do you have a shared vision? Do you both have the same idea about your priorities, or whether you want a family where the relationship is headed?

"It may be worth having a deeper discussion about how you're going to manage that, what level of reassurance you need, what level of frequency of communication you're after because unless you're both capable of fostering and preserving trust over the distance, it might be worth just simply going on a break," says Saxena. 

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