Can an anti-therapy partner be a red flag?

We trace the pros of individual therapy for relationships and cons of having a partner who is not pro-therapy

As a society, we love to believe that we’re constantly evolving for good. However, the mental health crisis has been looming over us for a while now. In fact, in 2018, India was declared a top ranker amongst the most depressed countries by the World Health Organisation (WHO). The size of depressed Indians has only been proliferating; while 15 per cent of the population—which is 1 of 20 Indians—were in dire need of mental health support between 2015 and 2016, the prevalence rate of depression, in particular, has shot up to 57 per cent as of 2023. Blame it on a crashed emotional threshold, more stress-inducing lifestyles or clear-cut awareness of what is right or wrong, the gravity of mental health complications has risen significantly, creating an exigent need for normalising therapy.

Luckily, Indians have reciprocated positively by and large—the awareness of mental health issues has augmented considerably. According to a study by The Live Love Laugh Foundation, the number of people in India who knew of at least one mental health illness has escalated from 87 per cent in 2018 to 96 per cent in 2021. However, there’s an invisible gap that exists between being cognisant of mental health disorders and acknowledging that you may have become vulnerable to one, and therefore need to see a therapist. In 2022, India’s National Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences (NIMHANS) released a survey which stated that nearly 150 million Indians are in need of mental health care services, but fewer than 30 million are seeking care. 

Things might become more labyrinthine when someone has convinced themselves to seek therapy, but struggle with justifying the need to the people around them, especially their partners. No, you shouldn’t need anyone’s stamp of approval to preserve and protect your mental health, but if it spawns fracas in your relationship, achieving improved mental health could become tougher. We speak to two mental health experts to understand why some people exhibit dissent towards their partner’s choice to seek therapy. 

Why is therapy subject to numerous opinions?

While therapy has become a life-changing support system for many, for others, it is still perceived as futile and gimmicky. “People who are in favour of therapy have usually done their research through social media, friends and literature, and are open to let go of the stigma attached to therapy,” says Ruchi Ruuh, a counselling psychologist. “However, a lot of people who don’t trust therapy might not believe in its efficacy or are unwilling to let out the idea of their perfectionism (I don’t need help), unrealistic expectations (quick solutions), scepticism (it doesn’t work), sensitivity to criticism or judgement (what will people say?), fear of vulnerability, social beliefs, the cost involved or their own lack of time.” According to Ruuh, this perception is influenced by many factors including cultural differences, social stigmas, individual experience, personal beliefs and values, influence of family, friends and media, affordability, and even religious and spiritual beliefs.

Through her years of experience as a therapist, Ruuh has discovered that people who possess certain personality traits such as self-awareness, openness to new experience and learning, empathy, self-introspection and insights, agreeability, and trust are more willing to try therapy as well as encourage others to give it a shot. A lot of your core philosophies, beliefs and opinions—irrespective of any mental crisis that you may be going through—could influence your outlook towards therapy. Usually, the more unprejudiced and permissive you are as a person, the more you’re likely to try out therapy. 

Pallavi Barnwal, an intimacy coach and relationship counsellor, believes even a person who is pro-therapy, follows their journey to get there. “I will say not everyone believes in therapy at the outset; people go through an average amount of mishaps before seriously reconsidering therapy for healing. Sometimes, it becomes an extreme situation for a person (such as a relationship is on the verge of divorce, one partner has cheated, threatened to divorce, compared with other people who portray happier selves and relationships), that makes them consider therapy as the last resort. On the other hand, some people are geared towards evolution and self-growth and are pro-therapy from the beginning. What sets those people different from the rest? Temperamental differences which can be present from birth, and also their belief system.”

Is fallacy the main culprit?

“What’s the point of venting our problems to a third party?”, “Am I not enough (for you to share your feelings)?”, “Why do we need to let a third person intervene in our personal matters?” and “What will a therapist even do?” are some common lines thrown by a not-so-pro-therapy person at their partner. This reflects a sense of irrationality, insensitivity, a lack of empathy and an incomplete understanding of the matter. But, why does this sense of inner strife transpire when one’s partner has decided to seek therapy? “Stigma and misconceptions about mental health and therapy make it hard for a lot of people to understand what really happens in a therapy session and how it’s important for their mental health,” says Ruuh.

“People struggle with the idea that their partners seeking therapy means either their partner is mentally sick or they are incompetent as a partner to provide them with the required support. They fail to understand that their [the partner’] support and professional support are two different things and can exist together.” Another important reason is insecurity—that the therapist will judge them or their relationship and declare that their relationship is in trouble. “I have seen a lot of people feel that they’ll be presented in a bad light or their narrative won’t be told. Financial burden is another issue, as some see therapy as an unnecessary expenditure; I once heard from a client that their partner feels that instead of wasting money in therapy, they should take a holiday.”

Testifying Ruuh’s theory, 26-year-old Karan (name changed upon request) worries if the advice received in therapy would go against him, and ultimately, the relationship—since his side of the story won’t be presented in a bias-free way by his partner—resulting in a one-sided perception, and thereby, judgement. Additionally, “A few people who are in abusive relationships also have partners that get violent, aggressive and more abusive when they realise their partners finally are getting the support they need and gaining their confidence back,” reveals Ruuh.

Barnwal feels that there is more stigma attached to mental health, sex, and relationships. “A lot of Indians still believe in the philosophy ‘don’t wash your dirty linen in public,’ and anything is public once it goes out of the couple’s bedroom. Such beliefs are conditioned beliefs, and not chosen beliefs; they have passed down from generation to generation.” Talking about how people experience resentment, she says, “Mostly they say (or feel), it is useless and it won’t work, and also because parents and friends are considered default places for ‘seeking advice’.”

Why is therapy a win-win?

Simply put, a healthy relationship requires both individuals to be mentally healthy—one partner with a mental health concern can automatically disturb the equilibrium of the relationship. Harsha Parpia, a 23-year-old finance professional, opines that if person ‘A’, who is originally in need of therapy, doesn’t seek professional help, it could eventually cause person ‘B’ to seek help, which is why she implores therapy—individually or as couple counselling. Chintan Bhiwandkar, a 33-year-old strategy & operations professional, expresses his contentment towards his partner’s decision to seek therapy. “I have seen her improve and work on herself and really become a better version of herself. I think it’s really brave that she realises she needs it, is vocal about it and has tried to fix it, all by herself.”

For Angela Cecellia, a marketing professional, who has been married for six-and-a-half years, to her over-a-decade-long partner, therapy is a must as regulating emotions is not everyone’s cup of tea. “I feel a partner taking therapy is such a positive sign. Most of us get threatened by the fact that our partner has things they can’t share with us, but I think you can actually have a better relationship when a partner has an unbiased safe and secure space to vent,” she says. “I have opted for therapy and it’s purely because of living a hectic life. Managing a kid, a house, a job and a social life—there’s so much going on and sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I need someone on whom I can download and dump it. And, it can’t be my partner because he is facing similar challenges and maybe even more.”

If you’re battling your inner demons or wish to fortify your coping mechanisms towards stress, anxiety or depression, or simply need professional and non-partisan advice on improving your emotional intelligence, individual therapy is an apt medium to embark on this journey. When you begin to feel better and instil a sense of positivity and hope within yourself, that’s exactly what you radiate into your relationships. Remember, unaddressed emotional turmoil or trauma can engender problematic behavioural traits which can prove to be unhealthy for your personal mental peace and jeopardise your relationships, including the romantic ones. It’s also key to note that while it is imperative for your partner to support you in your journey towards healing, they shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of your mental health challenges, for they also have to tackle the pressure coming from a different set of challenges that their life throws at them.

“Talk to your partner about your feelings and concerns, share your worries, and ask questions. It’s also important that you educate yourself about mental health concerns and the benefits of therapy. Once you understand the process, you might feel more receptive to the idea. Understand it's a personal journey and a choice your partner made for self-growth. Respect their boundaries and privacy, and let them work on themselves. Offer encouragement and support, check with them on their progress and learnings,” recommends Ruuh. “If you still feel the discomfort, seek couple’s counselling to deal with this resistance. Always understand that one person’s therapeutic journey can lead to a better understanding and connection in your own relationship too,” she concludes.

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