Discussing therapy on your first date is the beige flag we all need

Therapy can feel like going to the hospital sometimes and to the gym at other times. Both are equally normal, valuable and worth discussing on dates

After years of facing relationship challenges, Ishaan, an engineer from Pune, finally recognised a recurring pattern. He realised that complications with potential partners arose each time there was physical intimacy involved.

“I was conscious of my masculinity and sceptical about the concept of manhood that society wanted me to believe in. This sense of deprivation was reflected in my intimate relationships with women,” he says.

When counselling helped Ishaan recognise how this underlying factor was impacting his relationships, he decided to be open about it with women he met. Married for a year now, he believes “transparency worked wonders” for him.

Shaurya Gahlawat, a psychologist, psychotherapist and a relationship expert from Gurugram, shares that the way to normalise therapy and mental health struggles is by being honest about them. “Why not equate mental health with a physical health concern? Would you talk about a physical health concern that is important to you? If yes, don’t shy away from talking about psychotherapy or counselling either,” she says.

Be self-aware

The key to a successful first date is to be real about your mental health journey while safeguarding your well-being. And it is this fine balance between being cautious and being comfortable about discussing his healing process that brought about a significant change for Ishaan.

Ruchika Kanwal, a clinical psychologist from Delhi, advises her clients to refrain from shying away from initiating sensitive conversations. “It is also important to choose the right moment; it is better to ask questions and understand your date’s perspective about mental health before sharing your personal experiences with them,” she says.

The idea is to be mindful while bringing up the topic of mental health and address it with compassion. “Sometimes, sharing pleasant experiences through therapy is a good starting point. It shows that you value your healing process,” adds Gahlawat. 

Don’t judge yourself

When Hyderabad-based communications expert Anooja decided to be honest with her date about her tumultuous divorce and the impact it had on her mental health, she expected authenticity from him as well.

“We met a few times, and he seemed like a genuine person. But I soon learned from a common friend that he had clinical depression, which he hid from me. I could have dealt with his mental health journey but not with the deception,” says Anooja. When she confronted him, he explained that he was wary of appearing vulnerable or being labelled as a “flawed man”.

Therapists reveal that the societal pressures of appearing ‘strong and happy’ make us judge ourselves harshly every time we feel otherwise. It is this lack of self-compassion that makes most people sceptical of opening up to their dates as well. In such a scenario, if you feel uncomfortable talking about intense emotions and issues, it helps to bring up the topic of therapy more casually. 

“For example, tell your date that you were discussing career options with your therapist and realised you love your job. This will help break the ice and let the other person know you attend counselling sessions and value your mental well-being,” explains Gahlawat. “All of us are flawed and the best part is to work on it rather than run away from it. Choose a person who is open to understanding that mental health is a necessity and not a vulnerability,” says Kanwal.

Try not to overshare 

Ritika, a healthcare solutions partner from Delhi, finds it less intimidating to share work-related problems on her first dates. “I like to keep things light-hearted and not overshare on the very first date. It is easier to talk about my work than my private life with someone I’ve just met,” she says. 

Gahlawat recommends keeping things fun on first dates and finding common ground—like talking about music, sports or TV shows. “Also pay close attention to your date while you speak—notice their behaviour and their body language.Do they seem interested in knowing you better? If so, you might want to talk about more personal matters,” she says.

Although tricky, discussing therapy on the first date needn’t be overwhelming. Kanwal advises keeping first dates short and focussing on the positives of therapy instead of triggering experiences. “Share enough to convey that therapy is a part of your life but save the deeper conversations for a later date,” she adds. 

Be an empathetic listener 

Since discussing mental health on first dates can be awkward, it helps to be patient and thoughtful. Gahlawat recommends being attentive if your date shares something about their journey. “Please keep your phone away and stay calm when they share something important. Be interested but avoid asking disrespectful questions. If you feel comfortable, share something about yourself too,” she says.

Therapists claim that talking about mental health on a first date is easier when you’ve worked on your own well-being. According to Kanwal, when you share your own experiences with your date, you come across as a supportive partner, creating an inviting atmosphere for them to do the same—a situation healthy enough to engender further interaction.

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