Why a delusionship feeds into your dating fantasy

Is staying “delulu” really “the best solulu” even when it comes to relationships? We find out

We all have had crushes beyond our high school years. It’s an exciting time, full of ups and downs, drama and concern. It’s that window before one’s feelings have been explicitly stated, when we rely heavily on things like the undertone of words, long drawn out eye contact, the special treatment one is given. Through a number of verbal and nonverbal cues, one realises that the other person has romantic feelings for them, and one’s own feelings are in turn strengthened. Often, this crescendos into both the individuals expressing their feelings for each other. 

But there’s a thin line separating these scenarios from the ones where the attraction isn’t mutual, and one side is grossly misreading the equation, attributing intense meaning to an interaction that often has no grounding in reality. The possibility that their interpretation might be true is always present, and that’s what keeps this tense, half-imagined situation alive. Perhaps the other person is just being kind. However, the “delusional” individual still goes through the entire emotional rollercoaster, feeling all the highs and lows of attraction. They read longing into normal situations and convince themselves that the electricity is flowing both ways. And now, thanks to Gen-Z and their fast-emerging dating trends, there’s a name for it: Delusionships.

Delusionships are essentially one-sided equations where a person is convinced that the one they’re attracted to feels the same way about them. Based on the popularity of the term,“delusionship” has over 16 million posts with the tag on TikTok, and signals that it’s a common part of the human experience.

How delusionships play out on social media

The trend can also be witnessed on Instagram, with reels highlighting the ways in which delusionships function. In one such video, part of the Hindi song “Chand ne kuch kaha” from the film Dil Toh Pagal Hai (1997) is seen playing with the text “Relationship status”. The lyrics of the selected section, taken out of context, exemplify how one-sided attraction can often look. The words are:

“Jispe hum mar mite

Usko pata bhi nahin

Kya gila hum karein

Woh bewafa bhi nahin

Humne jo sun liya

Usne kaha bhi nahin”

(The one I’ve fallen for

Doesn’t even know

What complaint should I have?

They’re not disloyal

I’ve heard

What they haven’t even said)

Another reel, taking the lyrics out of context, uses another Hindi song “Dil ne yeh kaha hai” from Dhadkan (2000) with the text: “Me to my man but he doesn’t know he’s my man”. The chosen lyrics encapsulate the feeling of longing, and the added text confirms that this experience is being had from afar. 

It’s evident that by using the words of these songs, the authors are emphasising the one-sided nature of their equations, which are largely based on fantasies for one person, involving another who is oblivious to them. This also extends into the delusional person convincing themselves that the subject of their affection actually returns their feelings. Of course, such content is comedy, and is often exaggerated for effect. But the basic principle remains the same. Delusionship content are a way of validating one’s feelings while also, playfully, convincing oneself that the ones they desire are reciprocating their feelings, often in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. For instance, in one reel, a woman uses the text: “When he posts a story with music on it because he knows I listen to music,” with the background audio saying, “he wants to marry me.” In another reel, a woman is asserting that a man hasn’t replied to her text for 11 days because he’s busy thinking of the perfect reply, while in yet in another, a lack of reply for over 10 days is said to be stemming from the idea that the man wants her to focus on herself and indulge in self-love.

Why do we indulge in delusionships?

While examples abound, the basic idea of the online trend is that you’re reading into the normal actions of the person you like, and convincing yourself that they’re into you too. “People are becoming increasingly busy in their lives and that makes them prioritise the satisfaction [that comes] from make-believe, rather than [investing in a] long-term reality that requires real life effort,” says Ravi Mittal, founder and CEO of homegrown dating app QuackQuack.

For a while, the excitement and the drama that come with convincing yourself of these delusions can be fun. You indulge in some harmless daydreaming. With your friends, you partake in the exercise of minutely analysing your crush’s words and actions. Your brain plays along, producing the feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine when you’re attracted to someone, which makes one feel euphoric and strengthens one’s desires. But with delusionships, very importantly, one isn’t making a move to actually get close to the subject of their affection in real life. They choose pining from afar and obsessive daydreaming over the vulnerability that putting oneself out there and expressing one’s feelings demands. “This comes from a place of ‘let me get a little comfortable before I make a disclosure [about my feelings]’. That comes from a fear of rejection,” says Bengaluru-based matchmaker and relationship coach, Radhika Mohta. “But regardless of the 99 situations that you simulate, there will be a 100th one that you’re not prepared for,” she adds.

According to a survey by QuackQuack, 39 percent of the 15,000 users surveyed have admitted to being in a delusionship at least once in their lives. While the term and the hashtag have gained popularity in recent months, the behaviour isn’t new. 

In many ways, it’s the uncertainty of the dating world that encourages delusionships. One must consider the larger context of dating today. Another term that’s been popular for some time now is ‘situationships’. These are grey areas, where two people are involved, but there’s no clarity about the equation, no formal label for the relationship and no clear boundaries, responsibilities or commitment. There’s a pressure to be “chill” and not obsess over definitions. The ambiguity of situationships also benefits people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles. One can stay in their comfort zone, never having to face the uneasiness that comes with being vulnerable around another individual. “In 2023, dating is facilitated by the online world. There’s an abundance of options and a lack of accountability. It leads to a lack of commitment,” Mohta says. When faced with a reality that comes with such uncertainty, it’s easy for one to fall into a delusionship. It’s a way of having something solid, even if it’s just in their head. “The core of any positive, healthy relationship is communication. And at the core of communication is vulnerability,” says Philadelphia-based counsellor Tulsi Mehta. “You’re expressing yourself, communicating your needs and putting yourself out there. That takes a lot of courage. Not wanting or being able to do that makes it easier to fall into the fantasy of it,” adds Mehta.

Being in a delusionship also means that one is in full control of the narrative. They’re living in a fantasy world where their feelings are returned—often with a similar intensity. One also has the space to project their idea of the perfect person onto the person they’re pining for. In one’s imagination, the person will say, do and feel exactly what the person imagining wants, in the way they want. It’s just you and your interpretation of that person, with the individual essentially lending their face to your imagination. When things are so perfect, one won’t want to put in the work of taking their feelings into the real world where, again, one is faced with uncertainty. If one were to express their feelings in the real world, “there’s a whole other person involved, with their own personality, their own psychological stuff, their own narrative, who’s coming into the picture. And that’s something you have to be willing to tolerate as well. It might not play out the way you imagined it,” says Mehta.

On social media, there’s the meme “staying delulu is the solulu” (a colloquial way of saying "staying delusional is the solution") doing the rounds. It’s the users’ way of acknowledging how difficult it is to navigate modern dating, how challenging it is to be vulnerable, and how staying delusional is a comfortable way of avoiding these discomforts. “It can be a form of escapism from the challenges and mundane realities of daily life,” says Mittal. As a man says in one reel: “In this generation, I believe that being delusional is one of the key factors to being happy.”

Finding community through delusionships

Online, users also find community when expressing their irrational behaviours, momentarily indulging in a fun fantasy. For instance, in one reel, a woman stares with a straight face into the camera, while her phone pings continuously, with the caption: “Pov: your delulu friend made eye contact with her crush because she was staring at him”. One of the top comments on the reel, in all caps (signifying heightened or mock excitement), says: “HE RAISED HIS EYEBROWS”. A majority of the other comments, also in all caps, are along similar lines, saying, “He winked at me with both eyes”, “He breathed the same air as me,” and, “He walked past me, guys”. It’s a great escape. “It gives me joy, brings some peace in moments of distress,” says Mehta. “But then, I’m able to ground myself in reality. It’s almost like reading a book. It’s a piece of fiction. I let myself get into it for a bit, and then I pull myself out and go back to reality,” she explains.

While social media acts as a space to find community and relief through bonding over the lighthearted trend, it can, conversely, also fuel one’s delusional tendencies. Since scrolling on social media is the main form of entertainment for a majority today, such trending content will constantly show up on their feed and reinforce one’s beliefs and behaviours. “With exposure and familiarity, people grow on you,” says Mohta. “Content also grows on you. You’re only seeing the highlights of their life and then extrapolating and assuming that this is the kind of response I’ll get.”

Delusions form when one spends too much time building a persona instead of actually trying to get to know them. “Selective sharing, where people share only bits and pieces of their lives, can encourage someone to fill in the blanks with glorified assumptions,” says Mittal, about putting the object of your affection on a pedestal and perceiving them as perfect.

Daydreaming about someone is a natural first step when one is attracted to that person. But while daydreaming, as a form of escape from reality, can be a healthy coping mechanism if practiced within a limit, it’s the time spent daydreaming that makes a difference. “When you assess whether a behaviour is a problem, you check whether the behaviour is affecting your life. If it's not affecting you personally, mentally, emotionally, financially, it's not causing harm to another person in your life, then is it really a problem?” asks Mehta. “If you’re just drinking socially, once in a while, I would not diagnose that as addiction. But if it’s getting to a point where it's affecting you, your finances, it’s all you can think about, if it’s taking over aspects of your life, then it’s a problem,” she adds.

So, within a limit, being delusional might be fun even. But problems arise when this behaviour persists, and one brings these assumptions into the real world. It’s when one starts believing that the fiction they’ve created in their minds is actually a blueprint for how the real life relationship will turn out.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines a delusion as “a false belief based on incorrect inference about external reality that is firmly sustained despite what almost everybody else believes and despite what constitutes incontrovertible and obvious proof or evidence to the contrary.” When overdone, delusions can be a symptom of serious underlying mental health conditions. It can lead to behaviours like stalking and making the other person uncomfortable. Or, it can lead to states like erotomania, where, usually, a young woman is convinced that a man of higher social standing is in love with her; or limerence, an obsessive attachment with a person which causes emotional distress and a lack of productivity in the sufferer.

To stay in the lighthearted arena of being delusional, it’s important to recognise that one has made it all up in their head, while maintaining their routines instead of letting the delusions take over. One must also endeavour to find healthier coping mechanisms. “Step one towards happier relationships is to be mindful that you’re the cake and everyone else is icing. To be the cake, it’s important to love yourself, have good self esteem,” says Mohta. “If not for low self esteem, what’s stopping them from just approaching the person and having a conversation?”

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