How to date when you’re diagnosed with depression

From prioritising self-care to considering the pace of a relationship, dating with depression is not always easy

In one of the most popular books on the way love affects and breaks us, author Michael French, in Why Men Fall Out Of Love, writes that falling in love is more than infatuation. It is the need to feel whole, to feel safe, to be healed, to join together with someone, heart and soul. 

Love is supposed to be many things it might often not be. For some, it needs to be a sanctuary of peace and that’s the bare minimum. What’s the point of being with someone if you feel like walking on eggshells all the time? If depression comes into the mix, there is a perception that things might get compounded further. Often, the line between depression and dating becomes blurry, particularly if you are already in the relationship. Are you depressed because of being in the relationship or in spite of it? 

Love and mental health

According to a study by Match.com, widely popularised by CNN, online dating massively affects one’s self-esteem and can be the one of the leading causes for depression, too. The authors of this study argue that social rejection and physical pain are similar, not only in that they are both distressing, but share a common representation in somatosensory brain systems as well. Being ghosted, or matches commenting on one’s physical appearance, can take a massive toll on one’s mental health, and often, the aggrieved individuals close all avenues of love. 

Recently, the quote that “are you ready to receive the love that you want” was doing the rounds on social media. Perhaps it stems from having been in relationships that have been so damaging that their impact culminated in a long cycle of depression. The 2019 study Depression and communication in romantic relationships: A systematic review found that individuals with depression tend to engage in less effective communication with their partners, which can lead to less intimacy, less perceived partner support, and more conflicts.

The review also suggested that depressive symptoms can reduce individuals' ability to identify and express emotions accurately. In this context, is it possible to love, continue existing love, and even sustain it whilst battling the multi-pronged demon of depression? If so, can love really come to the rescue?  We speak to relationship and mental health experts as well as folks who have been there to understand the layered intersection between dating and depression. 

1. Prioritise self-care without being apologetic about it 

Dating can be stressful, and stress can exacerbate symptoms of depression. It never hurts to practise self-care regularly, whether it's through exercise, meditation, spending time with loved ones, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy.

According to psychologist Utkarsha Jagga, if one is already depressed but hasn’t entered a relationship yet, it’s self-care and expectation-setting that allows one to be loved again. “Depression is very exhausting to experience because so much of your energy is constantly drowning. When you’re in therapy or self-care, that’s when a lot of people decide to get on dating apps. It's realistic expectation-setting that ‘this is what I can give others without burning out emotionally’, and this is a good starting point,” she says. 

2. Find supportive partners who don’t invalidate your condition 

For Mrunal Tukde, a 28-year-old hotel manager based in Assam, his depression of almost a decade became worse because of partners that would either belittle him, mock his supposed fragility or label him too sensitive for the real world in so many words. All of them lacked the emotional intelligence needed to navigate not just a depressed partner but really any partner. 

“It’s crucial that you seek out partners who are understanding and supportive of your depression,” he suggests. “Look for someone who listens without judgment, offers help when needed, and is patient with your struggles. If someone is dismissive or unsupportive of your mental health, they will make things worse. Often, they will also manipulate you into believing that you are making things difficult.” 

3. Avoid gravitating towards relationships for validation

Psychiatrist Nahid Dave explains that the mere presence of a supportive partner gives one a dopamine kick because just the feeling of being wanted, of being desired, is a huge enough compliment. Today, if someone gives you their time, that’s more than enough, and triumphs everything, making one ignore all the red flags. 

“There is an acute phase in depression when the person does not feel like doing anything. Their work is affected and such, but that’s just the acute phase. Often, you might just feel lethargic and you don’t feel very confident the way you are,” she says. “People are depressed due to what is known as secondary impairment—the feeling that you’re losing out on things.”

This is where she says loneliness also trickles in—where you want to be alone but feel lonely when you are alone. In this sense, knowing what one wants is crucial, without giving into just the primary needs of validation, valid as they might be. 

4.  Communicate openly and set boundaries without assuming your partner knows what you want 

While effective communication is crucial in any relationship, it is especially important when dating someone with depression or being in depression. Being honest with your partner about your condition and how it affects you becomes critical. Explaining what you need from them—whether it's additional support, space when you're feeling overwhelmed, or simply a listening ear.

The 2018 study Communication patterns and satisfaction levels in heterosexual and same-sex relationships published in the Journal of Sex Research found that effective communication was positively associated with relationship satisfaction in both heterosexual and same-sex couples. Interestingly, the study also found that same-sex couples reported higher levels of communication and relationship satisfaction compared to heterosexual couples.

5. Don’t reduce your partner for their depression

Jagga says that it’s common for someone with depression while  in a relationship to feel a crushing sense of guilt that they are not being able to show up for their partner, that they are somehow bringing their otherwise happy partner’s energy down, or just not being able to express their love and affection because it takes away so much from them. 

“This is a feeling of constantly being a burden on your partner and this might take a huge toll on the relationship. But if we look at the way depression acts up, it’s a third entity in a relationship. It’s like you are two partners in the relationship and depression is the third one. This will help both the partners feel less guilt about the whole situation and manage it better, without reducing the relationship to just depression,” says Jagga.

6. Be open to different types of relationships

It is no secret that romantic relationships aren't the only type of relationships that can provide support and companionship. One can also consider cultivating friendships or seeking out community support groups to help one cope with depression. In the case of Mihir Jadhav, a 23-year-old mechanical engineer, the company and nurturing of his childhood friend helped him tide over the steepest valleys of his depression because he was in a long-distance relationship with his partner. 

“I could just crash at his place for the night and that physical company, that knowledge you are loved and not alone in this big, bad world was more than enough. My partner was involved in a project that could make or break her career so I couldn’t expect her to call me every night. It was a coincidence that my depression also set in at the same time,” he says. 

7. Acceptance and growth cannot be compromised 

The way Dave sees it, acceptance and growth can foster emotional intimacy in a relationship. Your partner ought to accept you for who you are and grow with you. Emotional intimacy involves being able to share vulnerable thoughts and feelings with a partner and feel seen and understood. When partners feel accepted and supported, they are more likely to open up emotionally and develop a deeper connection with each other. 

“Intimacy, love, money can keep fluctuating but acceptance cannot be compromised, regardless of the condition of your mental health. At the very core, you must ask yourself if you truly accept your partner and would like to grow with them. If that intent is not there, how will you be able to navigate anything, let alone depression?”

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