Trans folx in India navigate hate and bias while dating

Taking a dip in the dating pool comes with a profound fear of rejection for members of the community

One of the first things Kolkata-based Rashi Mitra's friends brought up when she told them she was on the dating app, Bumble, was, “When do you tell a potential date that you're trans?”

The question initially filled her with dread because it immediately made her re-evaluate her relationship with her identity as a transwoman and the body dysmorphia she fought so hard to make peace with. It suddenly hit her that taking a dip in the dating pool could expose her to being misunderstood and fetishised. “As soon as I started swiping right and left on men in my area, the nerves settled. I even matched with a few guys who thought I was a biological woman. I didn't bring up my identity immediately but when the conversation drifted to an in-person date, I wanted to come clean. The first few guys abused and blocked me immediately. A few asked if I'd be okay with just sex because they liked my feminine traits,” says Mitra.

Coming out

For most trans folx like Mitra, withholding their identity while exploring romantic relationships can beconcerning. If a potential date finds out later that they're trans, their reaction could turn violent. Their fears aren't unwarranted. Trans persons in India are particularly vulnerable to human rights violations, given that they do not have access to gender recognition by the State. That scenario creates a legal vacuum and a climate that tacitly fosters stigma and prejudice against them.

At the root of the acts of violence and discrimination lies the intent to punish, based on preconceived notions of what gender identity should be, with a binary understanding of what constitutes a male and a female or the masculine and the feminine. These acts invariably manifest deeply entrenched stigma and prejudice, irrational hatred, and a form of gender-based violence driven by an intention to punish those seen as defying gender norms.

Allowing herself the opportunity to dive into the dating game has come with its fair share of learnings for Mitra. "Yes, a vast majority of people on the apps will send hate your way, but for the few who have embraced my identity, it's been a fun ride. When you're learning who you are and going through a transition, give into experimenting," is the sage advice Mitra gives other trans folx. "After coming out as trans, I thought I'd only be dating men, but it wasn't the case. I tested my boundaries. It's important to learn who you are as a trans person and who you are in relation to other people. I've had some open relationships and friends-with-benefits with men, women, and other trans folx." 

While most of Mitra's friends don't understand why she would date another trans person, she says on a social level, "another trans individual is more likely to understand where you're coming from. Having a trans partner can be helpful as they can introduce you to new resources or help you get through life by sharing their experiences. I do also recommend dating outside the community and being friends with cishet people, as it can be validating for oneself," says Mitra. 

No hate here 

About safeguarding trans rights on dating apps, Bumblerecently announced a new policy that explicitly bans identity-based hate, an act that strengthens the stance the company has previously taken banning racist, transphobic, ableist, and body-shaming language. The company says it will take action against those who intentionally submit false reports due to someone's identity, including removing repeat offenders from its platform. 

"As a platform rooted in kindness and respect, we want our members to connect safely and free from hate that targets them simply for who they are," said Azmina Dhrodia, Bumble's safety policy lead. "We want this policy to set the gold standard of how dating apps should think about and enforce rules around hateful content and behaviours." 

Dhrodia, an expert on gender, technology, and human rights, joined Bumble in 2021. She previously worked on violence and abuse against women online at the World Wide Web Foundation and Amnesty International, as well as with various tech companies to create safer online experiences for women and marginalised communities. 

"Our moderation team reviews each report and takes appropriate action. Part of rolling out this policy required implicit bias training and discussion sessions with all safety moderators to unpack how bias can exist when moderating content," Dhrodia says. "We always want to lead with education and give our community a chance to learn and improve. But we will not hesitate to permanently remove someone who goes against our policies repeatedly,” she says.

In the thick of it

Kaushal, a transman who wished to be quoted anonymously for this story, prefers to meet people organically as he believes no assurance from dating apps to safeguard their identity makes them comfortable with the hate spewed by users on the various platforms. "There's a certain amount of vulnerability of being with people in the physical that's not only limited to the transgender community—looking eye-to-eye with somebody compared to sitting behind a screen and sending a tweet or a Facebook like can feel scary for those of us who are shy," they say. 

Kaushal tells The Established their quest to find a partner has been difficult because all they encounter are “chasers.” "For the uninitiated, a chaser can be described as someone who fetishises you as a trans person and doesn't necessarily respect your transness or your choices in a way that presents you as human; they may objectify you or refer to you in inappropriate terms or slurs," they say. 

The best thing to do with chasers is to ignore them, is Kaushal's advice. "They want your attention, and you have to show them that being rude, using outdated terms, or being sexual when you're not looking for that isn't going to get them anywhere," they say.

Another word Kaushal feels deserves attention because it's associated with the trans community is "aggressiveness." A lot of people outside the LGBTQ+ and trans communities, Kaushal believes, often view trans people as forceful or aggressive in a romantic equation, in the sense that they hunt out individuals or single people when, in reality, it is a very human thing to crave intimacy, be it sexual or platonic. “It's not wrong to want someone's attention; if anything, it can be extremely validating. Although you need to be very careful as a trans person while starting a relationship because people sometimes use your transness and try to out you in front of people who don't know you're trans,” they say. Kaushal believes trans folx should meet potential dates in public spaces because while some individuals claim to be trans-friendly, in reality, all "they only want is to meet you alone and harm you because of who you are."

Asha Saxena, a New Delhi-based psychologist, believes the point of dating and relationships for anyone, irrespective of gender or sexual orientation, is to procure your own safety, to be sure of who you are, and not be dependent on another person to the extent that it might harm you to be without them. “Work on yourself before you try to work on making things work with other people,” she says.  

Also Read: Joyland’s trans actor Alina Khan is hopeful for the portrayal of queerness in Pakistani cinema

Also Read: India’s first trans bartender wants to make the country’s nightlife more inclusive

Also Read: Is Bollywood really inclusive in their trans representation?