How to run a background check before a first date

While the quest for compatibility in the realm of virtual dating is a perilous one, it is essential to know what information to seek and which mysteries to leave uncovered

First comes love, and then comes the incessant, compulsive urge to research every detail of their lives. After all, dating in the landscape of swipe-rights is nothing short of a minefield, and being informed of any pink flags in advance—are they friends with their ex? Are they terrible at texting or incapable of speaking about their feelings?—is handy to understand whether the connection has the legs to go the distance. 

However, an overabundance of information can also serve as the kiss of death for a budding romance. Riddhi Gandhi, therapist at The Mood Space, concedes that the allure of stalking someone on social media before the first date is tempting. “Today, when information is readily accessible, running a background check can provide valuable insights into a person’s history, helping to ensure one’s personal security. However, background checks should be used as a tool to enhance personal safety and shouldn’t replace genuine human connection and getting to know someone through open communication,” she cautions. 

What not to look for in a background check

Balancing the need to make an informed choice without jumping to conclusions is a tightrope walk. While Gandhi believes that certain background information can be helpful, it is equally important to refrain from digging up certain ghosts before the first date—such as knowledge about past relationships or political views that can potentially cloud your opinion and lead to preconceived notions even before the date.

“When we learn specific information about someone, it’s natural for our brains to create assumptions and judgments based on that knowledge. However, it’s important to recognise that preconceived notions may not accurately reflect who the person truly is. Forming judgments based on past relationships might lead to biases about character or compatibility. Similarly, knowing someone’s political views might trigger assumptions about their values or beliefs on certain issues,” she observes. While such details can be insightful, it is essential to give your date a fair chance.

What information to look for during the first date

The goal of any first date should be to assess compatibility but Gandhi advises against boxing in the conversation with rigid boundaries to tick off an arbitrary checklist. The process of getting to know a person isn’t an objective that can be achieved within the span of a few hours. It is built by approaching the conversation with an open mind. In doing so, you’d be surprised at what you can learn about a person. Gandhi shares a list of suggested questions to get the conversation started to get a glimpse of who your date really is:

●      Tell me about your day 

●      What do you like to do in your free time? Is there anything you are really passionate about ?

●      What are your career ambitions and how do you prioritise work-life balance?

●      What is your most cherished childhood memory?

●      I would like to hear more about your friends

●      What are you looking for right now ?

●     Do you have any deal-breakers or non-negotiables in a relationship?

“These questions can provide a foundation for understanding each other at a deeper level. Keep in mind that it’s important to approach these discussions with respect and an open mind, allowing room for differences and finding common ground,” she signs off. 

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