What happens when dating is reduced to a terribly mundane chore?

The dating scene can be rife with disappointments, particularly when the search for meaningful intimacy keeps hitting a dead end

We’ve all faced the prospect of a terrible date, one that makes us question why we went on that date in the first place. This feeling isn’t targeted at the date itself but at what we’re putting ourselves through. Why am I doing this to myself, we might ask. The subsequent hookups leave us feeling hollow and densensitised to what should’ve been a beautiful act of intimacy. Oftentimes, the reasons are complicated and more often than not, we end up blaming ourselves. A rebound? Just a search to feel something, anything, after a particularly intense breakup? 

Regardless of where we fall on the dating spectrum, most of us have, at some point, developed an unsettling relationship with the process of dating—now largely buttressed by dating apps and the mechanical way in which the cycle of swiping-ghosting-blocking works. This phenomenon is what is now being described as ‘dating rust-out’ in the annals of TikTok and Instagram. It draws from a workplace terminology—‘workplace rust-out’ where one experiences no joy or hate from one’s work but one does it because it needs to be done. 

From ‘quiet quitting’ to ‘quiet firing’ to ‘moonlighting’, it’s no longer surprising that these workplace terminologies are applicable to relationships, and vice versa. The same can be said for dating rust-out. But how do we know that we are experiencing it, and how do we get out of it? At a time when the ideas of accountability, self-awareness and intimacy have gone through so many iterations, how do we navigate this terrain? 

The search for stimulation 

The crux of dating rust out is situated on the edifice of mundaneness, of things heading nowhere, boring dates that lack any spark—all of this despite the individual having the capacity for intimacy and love, being receptive to it. Clinical psychologist Anjali Gowda Ferguson agrees that dating in today's world can be overwhelming, particularly with the rise of multiple dating apps and the access to numerous potential partners that social media has given us access to. 

“While this can be exciting and empowering, it can also create pressure to constantly be on and always looking for the next best thing. As a result, many people may develop feelings of being burnt out by the demands that come with modern dating,” she says. “It can be exhausting to have the same conversations over and over again, to go on endless first dates that don't lead anywhere, and to constantly be evaluating whether or not a potential partner is right for you.”

However, Gowda Ferguson clarifies that to expect every date to be “rocking” and be “out of the world” is also an unrealistic unexpectation. From the standpoint of social science, losing stimulation and moment is a natural progression of all relationships. 

“Excitement can be an important aspect of early relationship development as it lays the foundation for long-term interactions. However, it is important to balance the feelings of initial excitement with realistic expectations that not every interaction will be exciting,” she adds. 

Bharat Rajput, a 25-year-old art director based in Chennai, views serial swiping on dating apps as therapeutic, a way to fill the void of staying alone, away from his friends and family, increasingly isolated from his colleagues who he doesn’t resonate with. “Naturally, this approach is a double-edged sword because while it helps me pass time and gives me something to look forward to, it also sets me up for all kinds of disappointments. While some of those disappointments are forgettable, there are others that leave deep scars,” he says. “So, can I really complain about the bad quality of dates out there if I’ve willingly signed up for the whole experience? I need to own up to how I’m presenting myself and what exactly I am communicating.”

Clearly, loving doesn’t come on a platter. As much as some of us would love it, we don’t (yet) live in a Blade Runner 2049 world where pre-programmed robots clothed in the illusion of human flesh are tailor-made for our needs. To step out of our comfort zone and to subject ourselves to the rigours of the dating world might be a necessary rite of passage, kissing many frogs till you find your prince, so to speak. But what do we lose in the process, irretrievably so?

A Three-Step Guide To Prevent Dating Rust-Out

According to Gowda Ferguson, while we cannot afford to take dating for granted, we must also not succumb to the pressures that come with it. It can end up seeming like a chore, sure, but it doesn’t really have to if we don’t have such a cut-to-cut approach to something that is supposed to be instinctual, hard to pin down and amorphous. 

Manage expectations: Avoid placing too much pressure on yourself or the individual you are dating, or might potentially date. Remember, healthy relationships take time and work. 

Identify priorities: If you spend some time reflecting on your needs or relationship goals, this can mitigate any stressors you experience in the process. Doing so can help you identify what is worth placing time and effort into. 

Take breaks: Part of the cycle of dating rust out is the constant access at our fingertips and the feeling that grass may be greener with each subsequent date. However, if we start to feel overwhelmed ourselves, in a rut, or lacking meaningful connection, it may be a sign to take a break and reassess individual needs.

Broadening the scope 

According to a 2017 study on self-awareness published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, the choices we make must be meaningful to us and thus, by extension, can they seem meaningful to others. The study found out that reflecting on and finding meaning in one’s choices may be an important step in linking behaviour with in-group identification and thus the self-concept in turn.

Psychiatrist Syeda Ruksheda suggests moving beyond the claustrophobic environment of dating apps if it doesn’t work for you and actually putting in the effort to seek love, as opposed to expecting love to miraculously turn up at one’s fingertips. 

“Why would we limit ourselves? If you feel your dates on dating apps don’t align with you creatively, join community groups and forums for people with similar creative interests. Maybe ask your friend to set you up on a blind date? There is a world beyond what apps tell us and while it’s important to strike a balance between all these worlds, you really have to put yourself out there if you’re seeking quality,” says Ruksheda. 

This strategy worked to a certain degree for Parul Mahant, a 34-year-old advertising manager based in Delhi. One of her hobbies, a very niche one at that, was lithography—a beautiful printing technique that utilises a slab of stone to imprint a design. When she joined an online forum of all the lithographers in the Asia-Pacific region, she never consciously sought the possibility of dating.

“I realised that regardless of how you frame it, there is a looming expectation of sex on dating apps. It doesn’t matter what the app promotes because that’s just how most of us have come to understand dating,” she says. “When I joined the forum for lithographers, that looming shadow of sex was absent because we were there to share our techniques and not our favourite sex positions. This change in attitude, while seemingly very minuscule, made a world of difference to me because the starting point of any conversation in that forum was never sex.” 

For Mahant, this was intimacy enough. She says she has developed one of the most intimate relationships with a fellow lithographer, based in Manilla, that she has been in touch with for the past six months. They haven’t met, there are no commitments, and there is no hint of sex anywhere in any conversation, not even subtly. 

“Probably I might never meet him but I’d much rather have this kind of an equation rather than meeting twenty dates, spending money on booze and food that leads nowhere,” she says. “In my 20s, this wouldn’t have been my answer because I would want to experience all kinds of sex and go for all kinds of adventures, but are those dreams sustainable? We need to get real.” 

On queer dating apps—most of which are tailor-made for hookups, the possibilities of dating rust out might be even higher, especially when coupled with fatphobia, homophobia, casteism and Islamophobia that seem to be an inherent feature of such apps. For younger queer men who are coming to terms with their sexuality, the hookup-oriented approach might cloud their understanding of queerness, leading them to assume that hooking up is the first and imperative step towards reaching any kind of deeper intimacy or the possibility of a relationship. 

“This is where the idea of fully understanding your needs, including a clear idea of consent, comes into play because people from all genders and sexualities come to me complaining about the hollowness [experienced] after a hookup,” says Ruksheda. “A lot of this hollowness arises from a broken sense of consent because if you’re saying yes after saying no four times, is it really consent, then? Predictably, rust out will follow, so you need to be unapologetic about your needs and what works for you, figure out your voice and use it,” she argues, about situations where consent is granted almost like a favour.

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