Dating as a divorcee can be a frustrating experience

Navigating a divorce is challenging enough; to search for love again can be even more daunting, especially in a country like India where divorce continues to be stigmatised

Dating, at any age, for a person of any gender or sexuality is a gamble. It’s no less than a game of Russian Roulette where uncertainty feeds excitement as well as a never-ending guessing game of cryptic replies, what the extra ‘i’ in the monosyllabic “Hi” text meant, or even if the person you’re talking to is ‘real’. But dating as a divorcee in India is even more rife with ill-disguised misogyny, combined with a smaller pool of possible matches, and, thanks to dating apps, trust issues. (More on that later.) 

In a country with a population of over one billion, only one per cent (as of 2017) get divorced, the lowest globally. Whether that is an indicator of a high rate of healthy conjugal relationships or a deep-seated taboo against divorce remains contended. But over the past few years, more and more divorcees are giving dating a shot. According to dating app Bumble’s report of 2023 dating trends, one in three  (39 per cent) people on Bumble have ended a marriage or serious relationship in the last two years.

A cycle of disappointment

“I didn't know what ‘ghosting’ meant until I was ghosted. So I was like, ‘oh, okay, that hurt’,” shared Vanessa Almeida, a 35-year-old business-owner from Goa. Almeida, who was married for a decade and got divorced in 2021, found herself in the Wild West of the online dating world where dating and flirting etiquettes were nothing like she had known before. “I've been on two different dating apps, and out of frustration, have deleted and downloaded them multiple times because I feel like you don't know whether the person is real, and if you can trust what's on their profiles. And the person keeps saying, ‘let's meet’, but either they never finalise or keep canceling. It is exhausting because people want to hide behind their phones, and don't want to meet. They are looking for a hot conversation, pictures, something to tantalise them or keep them busy for that evening.” 

Almeida notes that she now navigates dating apps with well-established boundaries when talking to a potential match. She observed that divorce has taught her what she doesn’t want in a relationship. “As a new divorcee, you're extremely cautious because you've been burnt before and will do anything to avoid being burnt again. So that is why I think when you're dating again, you kind of walk into it saying, ‘okay, I know what I don't want. I know my boundaries now, and I can set them’.”

She isn’t alone in this approach. As per Bumble, more than half (52 per cent) of single individuals have established more boundaries over the last year. These boundaries include being clearer about their emotional needs (63 per cent), being more thoughtful and intentional about how they put themselves out there (59 per cent), and not overcommitting socially (53 per cent). 

So where do you meet new people?

Would Almeida, instead, prefer chance meetings, right out of a John Green novel? She believes that for a single mom of a young adult with a business to run, meeting people in social settings is hard. “I've always thought that I would like to meet a person naturally, but in today's world, there's no such thing as ‘natural’ or ‘organic’ anymore, because when you reach that age, where the dating pool is very small, it's harder to meet people organically who are looking for the same things that you are.” 

Bengaluru-based data analyst Renuka Pareek, 32, agrees, saying, “If you are somebody that has a social circle and you go out regularly, you can still meet people and your chances of connecting with somebody is high. But I am not somebody who's too outgoing. So for me, matrimonial or dating apps are the only way to meet people.” As someone who was married and divorced young, Pareek shares that her priorities and checklists when it comes to dating have “completely shifted”. “I also feel I'm way more skeptical now. I ask a lot of questions. I notice every small thing that happens, and if it does not work for me or any small resemblance with what has happened in the past, I kind of run away because that fear is still in me somewhere. So there are days when I feel the lack of companionship or emotional support, but I'm not okay with being with somebody that I don't connect with.”

Pareek shares that this time around, in her search for a partner, she will take no prisoners, not letting even the often inviolable taboo of divorce veer her from the boundaries she has set. She makes an astute observation of the cultural nuances of dating apps as opposed to matrimonial sites, and society’s slant against divorced women, noting that while the former is more “liberal” due to the absence of the ulterior motive of marriage, matrimonial sites are far more conservative. “I've noticed that most of the time if I send a request to somebody (on a matrimonial site) who has never been married, at least 90 per cent of the time that person—or their family—is not going to accept it. Whereas on dating apps, it's different because for people, at least belonging to my age group, the approach towards dating is that they just want to meet someone, get to know them and see where it goes.”

For men, however, the tag tends to hang lighter when it comes to dating. Kolkata based 42-year-old musician Deboprotim Baksi said that for him, mutual attraction is all that matters. “If I'm interested in somebody, either they already know that I'm divorced, or I tell them that I'm divorced. But it's never been a problem. Like, ‘oh, you didn't tell me that you are divorced’ or anything like that.” 

Baksi admittedly trusts chance meetings over dating apps. “I’m a musician. I get to meet a lot of people. So I’ve never felt the need to sign up on dating apps. Moreover, the anonymity that a dating app allows, it really doesn't work for me. Anybody can write anything they want. Whereas if you meet a person through a social circuit or a friend, chances are that you already know something about them, and can also do a background check.”

Treading with caution

Trust issues have always been at the centre for those using  dating apps, with online daters encountering false profiles. It’s no wonder, then, that new divorcees like Pooja Maitra, a 37-year-old media professional and single mother from Kolkata, are on the fence about using the apps. 

“My number one problem with dating apps is that the profiles are hardly verified,” said Maitra. “The people [on dating apps] are not always genuine; they are not what they portray to be. For those who have already gone through a marital discord or some kind of a separation, the baggage is already there. Why would they want to get into another roller-coaster ride where they will probably get hurt? As far as hookups, one-night stands or flings go, dating apps can be a means, perhaps, but if you are looking for a meaningful equation, then you'd rather be calculative and not be the pawn of some misleading information.”

While there is reluctant hope, divorcees are opting out of dating apps as a means to the end of finding love again. Dr. Mujawid Ahmed, a Saudi-Arabia based doctor from Kashmir who got divorced in 2008, is of the opinion that the baggage of an ulterior motive looms large with such platforms. “I kind of believe that you should meet somebody in very neutral circumstances where neither of you is thinking about getting married. Let's say you work together or you're friends through other people. Marriage is something that can happen down the line, but that's not how you should approach a relationship.” 

Could dating apps specifically designed for divorcees be the answer? While Almeida says she would give it a shot because “there would be more like-minded people” who are seeking serious commitment, Pareek is of the opinion it’s “counterproductive” to the stigma of divorce. While the means and the ends may differ from person to person, the frustration and distrust with dating apps is unanimous, and so is the hope to find love again.

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