Breakups are brutal—social media makes them worse

Falling into the trap of stalking your ex on social media right after a breakup isn’t the most wise thing to do. But does the algorithm only perpetuate this behaviour? 

Guess what, you promised you were done. You deleted the messages, threw away the hoodie, and even attempted to journal (at least for a day). But then it happened. It's 3 am, you're on Instagram scrolling through memes, Reels, and a flurry of dog videos when, BAM! there it is. A picture of your ex. Not even on their account, but on someone else's. Perhaps they're tagged in a party photo, smiling from ear to ear, or worse, with a new person. Your heart lurches in an awkward, gut-punch way, and suddenly all the post-breakup progress  you made is reduced to dust. 

Moving on was supposed to be your choice—but social media has other plans. Whether it’s an algorithmically curated ‘memory,’ a tagged photo or an unsolicited Spotify playlist reminder, your ex is everywhere. Ringing true?Breakups in the age of social media aren't dirty; they're agonising. Because how are you really meant to move on when algorithms keep dragging you back? 

When you spot your ex on social media

Breakups weren't so hard back in the day. You'd erase their number, steer clear of their neighbourhood, and be done. But thanks to social media, your ex isn't just in the past anymore—they're hiding in your present, surprising you at unexpected moments. Instagram Reels, Google Photos, and those overly saccharine iPhone-generated slideshow videos (you know, the ones with dramatic music), all conspire to remind you of what you’re trying to forget—as if healing wasn't hard  enough. 

What’s worse is that the app algorithms feed off your heartbreak, serving you their content like salt in an open wound. Before you know it, you're creeping on their tagged photos, over-reading their captions, or asking a friend if their latest post is about you (Spoiler alert: it's likely not, or maybe it is). 

Gautami Khond, a 24-year-old senior associate in digital marketing, knows how social media keeps the past alive. "Painfully, at first, to see them live their life without me. We were so much a part of each other's life for so long that to get reminders of their life from social media was difficult," she confesses. Yet, she never blocked or muted her ex online. "In certain situations, such as ours, it can be counterproductive," she says. "Like the forbidden fruit that's more appealing since it is not to be touched." Her choice reflects the deeper conflict of understanding digital relationships. Gautami also highlights the illusion of social media: "What is felt is seldom expressed online. What I feel is not reflected on social media. And I prefer to keep it that way—for my own sanity and everyone else's as well," she says. 

Her words sum up the paradox of the digital age: the proximity and distance social media simultaneously provides. The compulsion to present our lives online leaves our actual feelings unsaid, hidden behind artfully constructed posts.

Why seeing your ex on social media can derail you

For some, these digital scrapbooks are proof of a past well-lived. For others, they're emotional landmines. Delete them, and it feels like erasing a piece of yourself. Keep them, and they become a roadblock to healing. But why does your phone get to decide whether to remember or not?

"Having your ex suddenly appear on your social media feeds can reopen the wounds, particularly if the breakup was recent or unresolved. It can interfere with healing and obscure subsequent relationships," says Surabhi Gupta (Dand), counselling psychotherapist and mindfulness coach. "Blocking them can work if a person is toxic or disrupting your peace, but if feelings still persist, it's only a temporary barrier. Healing isn't about deleting someone from your online universe—it's about taking back your emotional space. Real closure comes through forgiveness, not filters and blocks; it involves detaching, not erasing," she adds. 

How the algorithm works to keep your ex in your world

Social media algorithms monitor habits, engagement, and online traces, ensuring your ex stays on your feed even after your breakup. "If your ex played a big role in your online and digital activities, the algorithm notices it as a high signal and continues serving related content. The only way out? You need to deliberately retrain it—block, mute, and overwhelm your feed with something entirely different," informs Hitesh Rajwani, CEO, Social Samosa Network.

“Algorithms also exaggerate things. Each like, comment or a slow scroll on an old photo is interpreted as your continuing interest—and it will keep bringing back those memories,” says Rajwani, on the persistence of algorithms.  

At its core, social media profits from extended emotional engagement. “The longer users linger on sentimental content, the more data they generate, fueling ad revenue,” says tech expert Rahul Ahuja, Senior Account Director – Head, Digital Reputation & Crisis, Adfactors PR. For platforms to truly support emotional well-being, they need to strike a balance between engagement and healthy digital detachment.

It's not even by design most of the time. Perhaps you didn't intend to look at their story—it just appeared because you have friends in common. Or perhaps you didn't intend to scrutinise their new playlist, but Spotify chose to reveal their activity anyway. Or someone like me, who had a joint playlist created for their ex, so when these playlists are played in shuffle mode, it’s end game. The algorithm ensures that if you play one song about heartbreak, you’ll be suggested playlists that ensure you fall down the rabbit hole of pining for a person you might have broken up with for extremely valid reasons. It could be poetic if it weren’t twisted. In a survey by British cybersecurity agency Certo, 56 per cent of the participants revealed that digital access caused a negative emotional or mental impact after a breakup.

Stalking your ex online on purpose can make things worse for you. “Stalking an ex ensures you are caught in a cycle where your past takes charge of your present. The harder you cling to it, the smaller you allow room for peace, expansion, and possibilities,” says Gupta. “The more energy you put into stalking, the more it owns you—until your thoughts are no longer yours to command. Forgetting isn't an emotional issue; it's a conscious act of taking back your mind,” she adds.

Why you should avoid a public breakup

Breakups can become public spectacles as you delete photos, untag yourself or share ‘glow-up’ photos immediately after. The pressure to ‘win’ the breakup in the public eye is real. But who’s the real winner when even the process of grieving and moving on is all about external validation? While social media may allow you to project happiness, it doesn’t facilitate the processing of your pain.

Monitoring an ex's online presence can provide a false sense of comfort. While sharing one's experiences can foster community support,psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Shruti Khare warns against ‘curating’ emotions for the sake of validation. “A glow-up post online may make you feel powerful in the moment, but if your confidence begins to rely on other people's approval, you risk putting off real healing,” she says, adding that when people are nosy, it’s best to say something as simple as “I’m just concentrating on my here and now” or “I thought it was time to leave” instead of explaining yourself (and re-living your break up). “That way you’re drawing a line while being polite,” explains Khare.  

The solution: Practice restrained scrolling

Understanding personal attachment styles is crucial for managing online behaviours after a breakup. Khare points out that people with avoidant tendencies might find it helpful to completely disconnect from digital interactions, while those with anxious attachment may need to establish clear boundaries to avoid emotional distress. 

So, how do you break free? Blocking your ex isn’t always a solution. It doesn’t fix much if you and your ex happen to be part of the same friend group. Contrarily, it might make you feel more left out. Plus, where all do you block them from? Instagram? WhatsApp? GPay? Plus, there’s always the urge to stalk your ex from your ‘Finsta’ or a friend’s social media account.

A digital detox that involves deleting apps isn’t practical in the long-run. Artificial Intelligence (AI) allows you to edit out your ex from photos, and there are apps restricting you from drunk-dialing your ex… until you figure a loophole. Ahuja suggests solutions platforms can provide, such as "customisable 'relationship break' modes that exclude certain individuals or dates from suggestions.”

Social media is only as powerful as you allow it to be. But taking yourself completely offline isn't a solution. "Vanishing from social media is like cutting off your whole friend group—it's unrealistic and usually avoidant," explains Khare. Rather, she recommends establishing strict digital boundaries. "You don't need to disappear to recover. Muting, unfollowing, or limiting engagement helps you safeguard your peace without isolating yourself from the world altogether.”

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