An open relationship isn’t your freeway to cheat—let’s break it down

Cheating in an open relationship might sound paradoxical, but is very much possible. We ask experts to dissect the nuances to tell us how infidelity manifests in open relationships

Cheating in an open relationship sounds like a paradox. If boundaries of exclusivity are already stretched, what’s left to break? Infidelity in an open relationship, however, is more common than you think. As non-monogamy extends  into the mainstream, misconceptions about its rules and risks abound. So, what happens when the lines blur in a relationship already built on openness?

Actor Vidya Balan, while promoting Do Aur Do Pyaar (2024), a film based on infidelity and reconciliation, had said “I abhor the concept of open relationships; I am fully monogamous.” A substantial part of India has, and always will, venerate the concept of monogamy, making society's definition of what a marriage should be. Open relationships then remain largely misunderstood, even among those who opt for it. 

However, perspectives towards polyamory are gradually shifting. According to a 2023 Bumble survey, 61 per cent of Indians are more open to exploring ethical non-monogamy now than ever before, despite the taboos that surround it. Furthermore, Gleeden, a France-based extra-marital dating application, reports that 20 per cent of its user base belongs to India, which is approximately two million people. Another survey also reveals that 60 per cent of married Indians are willing to engage in an emotional or sexual capacity outside of their marriage. 

As more and more individuals begin to question traditional norms and explore unconventional arrangements like open relationships, they often overlook the intricacies that are involved. This makes already complex relationships fertile ground for even more complexities. Take cheating in an open relationship for example—it might sound paradoxical, but happens more often than you think. 

What does an open relationship really mean?

Open relationships may offer flexibility, but they also require clear boundaries and honest communication in order to work. Without boundaries, even the most open arrangements can fall apart. “An open relationship is a consensual arrangement where partners agree to form romantic or sexual relationships with others while maintaining their primary relationship,” explains psychologist and relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh. Despite the commitment, considering the complex nature of the primary relationship, it is crucial to establish clear sexual, physical, and emotional boundaries in open relationships, says Kasturi M, relationship therapist and author of Red, Green and Sometimes Beige, with open and honest communication. “For instance, partners should discuss preferences and limits regarding sexual activities, address what to do if emotional attachment develops with a sexual partner, and agree on how attraction to others will be handled in an open arrangement,” she adds.

The reality of infidelity is less glamourous than what mainstream Bollywood has portrayed it to be.. But, can choosing to go open jeopardise the relationship? “It depends on the individuals; couples must understand that it’s not as easy or glamorous as it looks,” says Ruuh. “It requires more trust, commitment and openness [than in a monogamous relationship]. Open relationships can open up old traumas and attachment wounds for many,” so making a well-informed decision is key. “It is paramount to understand and accept that you can’t coerce your partner into a non-monogamous relationship just because you want one—it needs to be something they enthusiastically consent to.” Kasturi adds, “However, if two partners are non-believers of monogamy, a more conventional closed relationship could do more harm than good.”

Infidelity in open relationships: what, how, when

The rules of  traditional infidelity are clear—breaching romantic and sexual involvement outside the partnership.  But in open relationships where boundaries are deliberately dismantled, what is it that counts as cheating?

“My boyfriend (21M) and I (19F) were in an open relationship, in which we could both sleep with other people so long as we both communicated with one another about it. He ended up matching with an acquaintance of mine from school on Tinder. He told me about it, and I told him he could talk to her, but I didn’t want him to meet with her or sleep with her because it would be awkward for me. He agreed. A week later, he went behind my back and slept with her. He broke a promise to me, and my trust,” shares a user on Reddit, exemplifying what cheating in an open relationship looks like—violating pre-established boundaries. 

This breach is what experts identify as infidelity in open relationships. “In any relationship, if something feels off or goes against what you’ve agreed upon, it’s important to speak up. In an open relationship, it could look like a partner getting emotionally involved with someone else, or going beyond what was discussed, without checking in first. It is about respect and trust—when that’s broken, it’s time for a conversation,” says Mahek Rohira, a therapist with The Mood Space. “Even though the boundaries are more flexible [in an open relationship], it’s important to stick to what both people have agreed on.”

Cheating in open relationships can also stem from unbalanced dynamics, points out relationship therapist Chetna Chakravarthy. “Sometimes, one partner happens to find someone, whereas the other hasn’t, in which case they might demand more of the primary partner. When the primary partner (who has found an external equation) is unable to meet the demands, they may develop feelings of being unloved or emotional jealousy and feel cheated. But is that valid? No, since they mutually agreed to look outside their relationship.” She further adds, “For another, rules could be as simple as not bringing anyone home since that is their sacred space. Violating this could also creep in feelings of being cheated.”

Protecting the integrity of an open relationship

The most challenging aspect of an open relationship is maintaining its integrity. The line between openness and betrayal can be perilously thin—many times, partners could use an open relationship as an avenue to cheat. “When you present the openness of the relationship while being dishonest with your partner, it’s misusing open relationships as a guise for infidelity,” clarifies Ruuh. “When boundaries are violated or open relationships are misused as a guise for dishonesty, it can lead to mistrust, emotional harm, and a loss of intimacy in the primary relationship. Partners may struggle with diminished self-esteem, or feeling undesirable or inadequate, which can disrupt their ability to function effectively within their relationships.”

Kasturi highlights that oftentimes open relationships may ignite after an affair or some form of cheating has transpired. “This approach is not ideal, as it stems from a desire to sustain the existing relationship without addressing the root issues that led to the problem in the first place, creating other challenges.” If infidelity is committed by a partner in an open relationship, it’s time to recalibrate,  opines Kasturi. “Open communication, changing perspectives, definitions and needs—all must be revisited and discussed.” Ruuh also recommends examining whether existing rules are clear or are due for revision. Turning to a neutral third party, like a therapist or relationship counsellor, can help navigate conflicts. “Addressing such events requires trust and a willingness to rebuild boundaries. Professional counsellors can help you renegotiate the boundaries and agreements without damaging the relationship further,” says Ruuh. 

In the best interest of an open relationship, regular check-ins with each other are crucial. “It’s important to spend quality time together to keep your emotional connection strong. As long as there’s trust, honesty and understanding, an open relationship can flourish,” concludes Rohira.

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