We often fail to recognise the onset of emotional abuse in our relationships, perhaps because its boundaries aren’t well-defined. Three psychologists help us identify the signs
In India, 31.5 per cent of women have faced physical or sexual violence at least once since the age of 15, reveals the 2019-2021 National Family Health Survey. This data exempts other forms of abuse such as emotional, mental, and physiological abuse. However, if you study the latest Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) Laws, you’ll discover that its scope recognises physical, sexual, and emotional abuse as oppressive acts (that violate the IPV laws). While a meta-analytic study on emotional violence faced by women in the United States reported an average prevalence rate of 80 per cent, the number in India was merely 13 per cent. However, upon going through a 2020-dated report by British Medical Journal (BMJ), we found out that one in three women in India deal with Intimate Partner Violence—out of which only one in 10 report the offence. The stark discrepancy in these numbers proves that IPV, especially emotional abuse, remains misunderstood and is, therefore, often brushed under the carpet.
Emotional abuse can come across as ways to control, subdue, punish, or isolate another person through the use of humiliation or fear. Remember how Sridevi’s character Shashi Godbole, in the movie English Vinglish (2012), was perpetually belittled for being a non-English-speaking housewife whose only talent was cooking good food? “She was born to make laddoos!”, the character’s husband exclaims in a scene, and a mix of humiliation, anger and resentment instantly manifested in Sridevi’s teary eyes right after.
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Sridevi’s character Shashi Godbole, in the movie English Vinglish (2012). Image: IMDb
Preeti Sikka—Kiara Advani’s character in the film Kabir Singh (2019). Image: IMDb
However, in many cases, the victim, usually a woman, doesn’t even realise she’s being subjected to abysmal emotional abuse. Is it because it is normalised in Indian society? For a family relative to use your body’s size as a matter of small talk, or for a partner to constantly remind you of the “right” way to conduct yourself also passes as emotional abuse, even though our generational conditioning makes us want to believe otherwise. Think, Preeti Sikka—Kiara Advani’s character in the film Kabir Singh (2019) — the timid woman almost delusionally misconceived her boyfriend’s uber-toxic controlling behaviour as his love language.
Pragmatically, the scope of emotional abuse can’t be put into a box, and yet, what it entails is pretty straightforward—any action of your partner that jeopardises your internal emotional security, self-worth, and self-esteem could more or less fall under the bracket of emotional abuse. From a “fun, light-hearted” remark intended to put someone down to ghosting and gaslighting, there are many forms of emotional abuse. And since much of this is often not done consciously, many fail to recognise the prevalence of emotional abuse in their relationships—even the individual at the receiving end at most times, perhaps because the boundaries of emotional abuse aren’t well-defined. We ask three mental health professionals to help us decipher emotional abuse from a microscopic lens and list some of the common signs that could go unnoticed.
What is emotional abuse?
“Emotional abuse is when someone psychologically harms another person through the use of words and actions (and sometimes inaction, like neglect),” begins Hansika Kapoor, a psychologist at the research institute Monk Prayogshala. “It can be just as damaging as physical abuse and includes patterns like constant criticism, belittling, name-calling, gaslighting (manipulating someone into questioning their own reality), isolating the person from their friends and family, and withholding affection.” Along the same lines, psychotherapist and psychologist Shaurya Gahlawat explains that it is a pattern of behaviour aimed at controlling, demeaning, or intimidating another person through the use of words, gestures, or actions that undermine their sense of self-worth and security. “Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse may not leave visible scars, but its impact can be long-lasting to both mental and emotional health.” Emotional abuse is not always conscious or deliberate. “Sometimes a person may not even realise that they are emotionally abusing another.”
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“Emotional abuse is when someone psychologically harms another person through the use of words and actions (and sometimes inaction, like neglect),” says Hansika Kapoor. Image: Pexels
The perils of emotional abuse in a relationship
No form of abuse can ever be healthy in a relationship. Things get more confounding when the abuse or toxic behaviour isn’t tangible—the victim can’t see the effects of emotional abuse, they can simply bear the hurt associated with it. A direct impact of emotional abuse is visible when an individual is struggling in their daily life, work, relationships and even physical health concerns, which can also transition into anxiety, depression, and other mental illnesses, shares Gahlawat. Shedding light on how becoming comfortable in an emotionally abusive relationship can prejudice one’s internal behaviours, Kapoor says, “Individuals in such relationships may feel stuck and uncertain about whether to stay or leave; they often second-guess themselves. Indirectly, emotional abuse can perpetrate a cycle of further abuse, because some individuals may not have been able to forge healthy relationships with others owing to a lack of model behaviour.” An individual may start to see the world only through the lens of the other person, lose a sense of security, find it hard to trust others, and may not be able to navigate life's hardships in a healthy way, adds Gahlawat.
Emotional and mental health struggles aren’t the only ones a person becomes susceptible to in an emotionally abusive relationship. “Besides declining interpersonal relationship skills, one of the most important and overlooked consequences of emotional abuse is its effects on physical health, leading to headaches, digestive problems, and a weakened immune system due to chronic stress.”
“ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT AND OVERLOOKED CONSEQUENCES OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS ITS EFFECTS ON PHYSICAL HEALTH, LEADING TO HEADACHES, DIGESTIVE PROBLEMS, AND A WEAKENED IMMUNE SYSTEM DUE TO CHRONIC STRESS”
Shaurya Gahlawat
Twenty-five-year-old writer Pratiksha Acharya talks about her experience. “My ex and I dated for 8.5 years; we were high-school sweethearts. We practically grew up together and then things changed once we finished school. He’d keep making comments about how I should work out because I was thicker than him (all this when I was at my most active). I started working out twice a day just because of what he said and it even reached a point when I almost had an eating disorder. My personality around him was completely different from my personality around others purely because I was scared that if I was myself, he wouldn’t like it.”
Identifying signs of emotional abuse
The solution to every problem begins with acknowledgement. However, the identification of a problem comes first. Below, we mention the most common signs of emotional abuse.
Constant Criticism: “You don’t look great”, “You don’t understand me”, “You’re so selfish”, “You’re not like him/her” and similar statements have been thrown by partners at each other. However, persistently imbibing this behaviour can be toxic and induce a major sense of negativity within the receiver. “An abuser habitually criticises and belittles the victim, attacking their appearance, abilities, or sense of worth,” says Gahlwat. “Constructive feedback is normal, but constant criticism of your appearance, abilities, or choices is a sign of potential emotional abuse.” Disrespect and hostility in front of others is also a sign, apprises Ruchi Ruuh, a psychologist and relationship counsellor. “These could also have covert signs or even dog-whistling.”
Isolation: “Emotional abusers isolate their victims, restricting contact with friends and family, and create an environment where the victim relies solely on the abuser for support,” says Gahlawat. This can be traumatising in the long run and also lead to detachment from the people that really matter to you, besides your partner. “Healthy relationships encourage maintaining connections with others.” Asking you to block or stop talking to people is a red flag, Ruuh points out.
Silent Treatment: Haven’t we all ghosted (someone) or been ghosted (by someone) at some point? Ghosting seems to be a natural extension of two very common behavioural traits—denial and lack of confrontation. However, using silent treatment as a form of punishment or escapism is toxic and unfruitful. Similarly, “withholding approval, affection, or attention as a form of punishment isn’t a good sign,” says Ruuh. When the abuser withholds affection, love, or support as a means of punishment, “it leads to emotional neglect,” adds Gahlawat. “If your partner uses affection and attention as a tool for control, withdrawing it as a form of punishment or reward, it's an early sign of manipulation.”
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A lot of people want to be their partner’s life and there is nothing wrong with that. It takes a dark turn when there is a clear violation of their partner’s set personal boundaries, says Ruchi Ruuh. Image: Pexels
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“If your partner uses affection and attention as a tool for control, withdrawing it as a form of punishment or reward, it's an early sign of manipulation,” says Ruchi Ruuh. Image: Pexels
Gaslighting: Gaslighting involves manipulating the victim into questioning their own reality, memory, or sanity, says Gahlawat. “They deny doing things that you caught them red-handed with or have evidence for. They might tell you that you are going crazy or becoming toxic. There is chronic lying and it can lead to the victim's loss of identity and self-perception,” explains Ruuh. Early signs may include subtle contradictions, denying previous statements, or making you question your memory, informs Gahlawat.
Humiliation: This one is rather obvious—a recognised form of disrespect. The abuser humiliates the victim often, aiming to diminish their self-esteem and seek validation, says Gahlawat. For any form of humiliation to exist in a relationship is wrong, but it becomes especially toxic when it is one-sided since it could create a sense of supremacy (in the abuser) and tolerance (in the abused) leading to inequality, which impairs communication.
Domination: While controlling and dominating behaviours have been glorified in cinema and popular culture from time to time, it is the biggest red flag to watch out for. Occasional feelings of jealousy may arise, but excessive jealousy that leads to controlling behaviour, such as monitoring your activities or demanding constant reassurance, can be concerning, says Gahlawat. “Now a lot of people want to be their partner’s life and there is nothing wrong with that. It takes a dark turn when there is a clear violation of their partner’s set personal boundaries. It could mean that they always need to share their whereabouts, text or call for every single thing, don’t have autonomy over their decisions and have to dislike everyone/everything their partner does too,” says Ruuh, pointing out the toxicity associated with possessiveness, jealousy, and controlling behaviour. “These are not boundaries but a way to groom you into a behaviour appropriate to them. They might also want you to behave or dress up in a certain way and criticise you if you don’t.”
Know your boundaries
When does such behaviour really turn into a dealbreaker? “Disagreements and conflicts are a normal part of any relationship, but emotional abuse is characterised by a sustained pattern of harmful behaviour intended to control and undermine the other person and exert power and dependence,” says Gahlawat. “Healthy relationships do not comprise abuse, in any form—emotional, physical, or sexual. There can be disagreements and arguments, but at the core of healthy relationships is mutual respect and trust. It is also likely that different individuals have different thresholds of toxicity and unacceptable behaviours in relationships. Therefore, emotional abuse may not be interpreted in the same way by everyone. However, there are clear signs of the same, including the ones mentioned above,” furthers Kapoor.
To help you differentiate between right and wrong, analyse the frequency and intensity, suggests Gahlawat. Ask questions like: “How often do situations of intense conflict arise? How bad are the arguments? How affected (mentally and emotionally) do you feel?”, she says. If you experience constant stress, worry, and anxiety, notice a gap in the reciprocity of love, effort and respect and find your mental health in danger, these are clear signs to break up/quit the relationship, advises Gahlawat. “Evaluate the severity and frequency of the emotional abuse. If there is an immediate threat to your safety or well-being, seek help and prioritise yourself. Clearly communicate and enforce your boundaries. Let your partner/ the other person know what behaviours are unacceptable and the consequences if those boundaries are violated. Consider seeking counselling and psychotherapy, both individually and as a couple,” recommends the mental health expert.
“If, despite efforts, the emotional abuse continues and your well-being is compromised, it might be necessary to consider ending the relationship. Know that ending a relationship, especially in the face of abuse, is a valid and courageous decision,” concludes Gahlawat.
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