Our resistance to asking for help when it comes to romantic relationships is ripe for reexamination
In 2024, while urban India is busy swiping right for potential dates, sipping on oat milk lattes, and even opting for psychedelic retreats for self-improvement—couples therapy remains surprisingly taboo.
For Pallavi Doshi, a 36-year-old interior designer from Mumbai, the idea of couples therapy felt like buying an umbrella for a drizzle she hoped would simply pass—until it didn’t. “Couples therapy felt like admitting something was broken that no amount of date nights could fix. I didn’t want to see my relationship through that lens, and honestly, I thought we could figure it out on our own,” she shares.
Doshi’s reluctance taps into the myth deeply rooted in Indian society and even validated through pop culture—much like in Bollywood’s most iconic romance, relationships should unfold effortlessly. As relationship therapist Kasturi Mahanta, author of Red, Green, and Sometimes Beige, explains, “There’s this pervasive idea that relationships are supposed to ‘just happen’. Many people think that needing therapy means they’ve failed in some way. There’s pressure to keep everything looking perfect, which often stops people from seeking help when they need it most.”
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Couples therapy felt like admitting something was broken that no amount of date nights could fix, shares 36-year-old Pallavi Doshi. Image: Unsplash
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According to psychologist Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years before seeking therapy. Image: Pexels
According to Dr. John Gottman, psychologist and co-founder of the Gottman Method of Healthy Relationships—a form of couples therapy derived from research on relationships—couples wait an average of six years before seeking therapy. That’s six years of banging heads against the same wall, hoping for a different outcome. It’s more than enough time for damaging communication habits to solidify. In contrast, actor Shibani Dandekar and her husband, actor-producer Farhan Akhtar, flipped the script entirely. “We wanted to make therapy part of our relationship from the very get-go, rather than waiting until we were 10 years in and working through issues,” shares Dandekar. Their commitment to therapy as a foundational component of their relationship reflects a different mindset amongst couples—seeing therapy as a proactive investment, and not a desperate measure.
The Media’s Problematic Portrayal of Couples Therapy
We’ve all seen the stereotype: a relationship consultant or therapist in a dimly-lit room asking, “Have you tried date nights?” while a couple sits stiffly on opposite sides of the couch across. Television shows like Friends didn’t help; Ross and Carol’s awkward therapy session culminates with Carol confessing that she was a lesbian–reinforcing the idea that couples therapy is ineffective or absurd. Indian cinema, too, tends to portray therapy as a last-ditch attempt to salvage a broken relationship that is already doomed to fail. “The media often portrays therapists as judgmental, holier-than-thou figures who point out wrongdoings,” says trauma-focused relationship therapist Prachi Saxena. This depiction is particularly harmful in cases like infidelity, where partners fear being chastised, only deepening the conflict. Saxena also highlights how the legal system in India further reinforces this stigma, with counselling often recommended only after divorce proceedings have begun. “In reality, many couples have successfully reversed the divorce process or amicably resolved their issues through therapy, but the media rarely shows that,” she says.
“THERE’S THIS PERVASIVE IDEA THAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE SUPPOSED TO ‘JUST HAPPEN’. MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT NEEDING THERAPY MEANS THEY’VE FAILED IN SOME WAY”
Kasturi Mahanta
More nuanced portrayals of couples therapy in shows, such as the television mini-series Scenes from a Marriage (2021)—where the lead pair Mira and Jonathan (essayed by Jessica Chastain and Oscar Issac) express an honest willingness to seek help to salvage their marriage—depict therapy as a meaningful process for reconnecting and understanding. In a similar vein, stories like that of Swati Chopra, a 40-year-old entertainment editor, shed light on the true value of therapy. After eight years of marriage, Chopra and her husband sought couples therapy. “It gave us a space to voice our concerns individually, which was crucial. Feeling heard allowed us to release a lot of the anger,” she recalls. Though their marriage eventually ended, therapy helped them navigate the divorce with less bitterness. Chopra now views therapy as essential for future relationships. “Next time, I wouldn’t wait that long.”
It's All About Fear (of Judgement)
For many couples, the idea of talking to a relationship expert feels like airing their "dirty laundry in public"—especially in a society which upholds marriage as both private and sacred. Aarav Giri, a 41-year-old architect based in Bengaluru, shares, “We were raised to believe marital problems stay within the family—you don’t go to a stranger to talk about them.” This belief acts as a cultural barrier, where seeking help is perceived as an admission of failure. Neha Karkal, a 35-year-old banker, adds, “Admitting we needed help felt like admitting defeat.”
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“Admitting we needed help felt like admitting defeat,” says 35-year-old Neha Karkal. Image: IMDB
This fear isn’t just about airing relationship issues and grievances; it’s also about vulnerability and dealing with judgment. Couples often worry therapy will devolve into a blame game, where one partner is made to feel like the villain. “Many people come into therapy thinking it’s a courtroom, where they’ll be blamed for the relationship’s issues,” says Dr. Anisha Mehta, a Bengaluru-based relationship counsellor with a decade of experience. But therapy, she adds, is about understanding each other’s perspectives, not assigning blame.
Moreover, there is an underlying fear that seeking therapy or counselling for relationship issues will dig up uncomfortable truths a couple would rather avoid. Karan Khatri and Shokhi Banerjee, hosts of the podcast Happily Whatever After, highlight this anxiety: “Couples worry that therapy will bring out issues they’ve been avoiding,” they explain. “They think, ‘What if therapy makes things worse?’” This fear, combined with the belief that relationship struggles should remain private, creates a perfect storm of resistance.
“IN REALITY, MANY COUPLES HAVE SUCCESSFULLY REVERSED THE DIVORCE PROCESS OR AMICABLY RESOLVED THEIR ISSUES THROUGH THERAPY”
Prachi Saxena
Then there are couples like Dandekar and Akhtar who came into their relationship after living well-rounded, independent lives. Therapy helped them navigate the complexities of merging two worlds. "When you come together in your thirties or forties after living full lives apart, it’s important to know how to handle these two worlds [coming together]. Therapy gave us a safe space to communicate and understand each other’s perspectives," explains Dandekar.
Could it be a Gender Thing?
A study published in Psychology Today found that men generally feel therapy isn't designed for them, as it relies heavily on emotional expression—a skill that society doesn’t usually nurture in boys. Giri reflects, “For me, therapy felt like being under a microscope. I thought the therapist would gang up on me, and I’d be forced to talk about emotions I wasn’t ready to deal with.” Giri’s wife, Kavita, had suggested therapy during a rough patch, but Aarav brushed it off, believing that going to therapy meant he had failed as a husband. While they are now seeking help, there are discussions of a potential separation. The fear of vulnerability makes men more resistant to couples therapy, as they view it as a personal attack rather than an opportunity for growth.
![“[Couple's therapy] came from a place of, ‘let’s protect this relationship and do what we can to see it through in the best possible way,’ rather than waiting for a negative outcome,” shares Shibani Dandekar. Image: Instagram.com/shibaniakhtar](https://img-cdn.publive.online/filters:format(webp)/established/media/post_attachments/theestablished/2024-10-29/a1m70twq/_shibaniakhtar.jpg)
“[Couple's therapy] came from a place of, ‘let’s protect this relationship and do what we can to see it through in the best possible way,’ rather than waiting for a negative outcome,” shares Shibani Dandekar. Image: Instagram.com/shibaniakhtar
In contrast, Dandekar offers a compelling take on therapy, its role and gender dynamics in her relationship with Akhtar. “We were both [together] as invested in doing it as each other. It came from a place of, ‘let’s protect this relationship and do what we can to see it through in the best possible way,’ rather than waiting for a negative outcome.”
Same-sex couples, on the other hand, tend to approach therapy with more openness. Saxena notes, “Same-sex couples are often more open to therapy and come in sooner, before the damage is irreparable. Heterosexual couples, meanwhile, are more conditioned by societal norms and the pressure to maintain a facade of happiness.” However, she notes a promising shift among younger heterosexual couples, who have begun to see therapy as a preventive measure rather than a last resort.
Common Excuses and Solutions
Couples also often hide their resistance to therapy behind a veil of excuses. Among the more common ones? "I couldn’t find a good therapist." While it is true that zeroing in on the right therapist in India can be challenging, Mahanta encourages patience. “Finding the right therapist is like finding the right outfit—you might have to try on a few that don’t fit before you find one that does. Why give up after just one mismatch?” She views the search for the right therapist as an essential part of the healing process, requiring both openness and perseverance.
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Intimacy is often one of the first aspects to fade, with couples reporting months—even years—of emotional or physical distance. Image: Unsplash
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While it is true that zeroing in on the right therapist in India can be challenging, but Kasturi Mahnata recommends being patient and keeping at it. Image: Getty
Another common complaint is that signing up for therapy feels cold and clinical. Many couples picture themselves dissecting their relationship in a sterile office. But Khatri and Banerjee had a different experience. “We were sitting in a quaint café in Pune, chatting enthusiastically with a woman who seemed more like a friend than a therapist,” they recall. “It was far from sterile. We got quizzes, activities, and practical tools to better understand each other and our attachment styles, even after 10 years of marriage.”
For them, therapy wasn’t about formal conversations, but about doing meaningful work that strengthened their bond. “Therapy brought us closer and gave us a deeper understanding of each other,” they share.
"We’ve Survived So Much—Why Seek Help Now?"
Couples who have weathered significant life challenges—financial struggles, health scares, or family crises—often convince themselves that they can deal with any problem that comes their way. This mindset is built on resilience and shared history, but it also leads to what psychologies call ‘sunk-cost fallacy’. It’s a belief built upon the notion that because you’ve invested so much in something, you must continue—even when it no longer serves you. In relationships, it manifests as the belief that if you’ve survived many monumental challenges together, you don’t need therapy to fix the so-called smaller issues.
This was the trap that Khatri and Banerjee fell into. “We thought, ‘We’ve handled so much—why do we need help now?’” they recall. Their relationship had endured familial opposition, financial crises, and even a near-fatal brain injury. But this mindset prevented them from addressing the smaller problems that had accumulated over time.
Eventually, they realised that the resilience that got them through in the past doesn’t guarantee future success. “The lightbulb moment occurred when we realised personal therapy couldn’t replace couples therapy” says Khatri. While individual therapy helped them become more self-aware and process their emotions separately, it couldn’t bridge the gaps that had formed in their strained relationship. “Only couples therapy could help us rebuild trust and communicate better. Now, in our seventh year of marriage, we feel like we’re in our honeymoon phase again,” he adds.
The ‘It’s too late for us’ error
Many couples realise only after years have passed that unresolved issues, built-up resentment, or periods of emotional and physical distance have created problems that are too late to be addressed. For 42-year-old Chennai-based homemaker Priya Sen, who has been married for over 15 years, there was no time to think about her relationship with her husband. “Our lives became a series of checklists—raising three kids, running a household, supporting my husband’s career. It felt like starting therapy would be opening a wound we’d already learned to live with.”
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This belief—that therapy is only for a "fresh" relationship, or one not yet steeped in years of shared struggles—is surprisingly common. Image: Unsplash
This belief—that therapy is only for a "fresh" relationship, or one not yet steeped in years of shared struggles—is surprisingly common. There’s a mentality that accepting the situation is simply part of a "mature" relationship, keeping couples in an uncomfortable limbo. Research suggests it’s never too late for couples to experience the benefits of therapy The Couples Institute, for example, has documented meaningful transformations even in long-standing marriages once therapy begins. Bengaluru-based relationship therapist Anisha Mehta explains, “Often, the couples who think they’re ‘too far gone’ actually make the most significant strides. By unpacking years of hurt, they come to understand their own—and each other’s—needs in a new way. The shift can be profound.”
Intimacy is often one of the first aspects to fade, with couples reporting months—even years—of emotional or physical distance. Yet rather than discussing it, they decide to “just live with it.” Mehta states, “Therapy, even later in life, can bring back connection and joy, no matter how distant the partners may feel.” Just as we schedule time for physical health or career goals, investing time in the emotional upkeep of a relationship is not just maintenance but an act of renewal.
What You Resist, Persists
Not every relationship can—or should—be saved. But couples therapy isn't just about avoiding break-ups; it's about clarity, communication, and sometimes, recognising when it's time to move on. Chopra, who entered couples therapy hoping to salvage her marriage, quickly realised it was beyond repair. “One session was all it took,” she reflects. Yet, she doesn’t see therapy as a failure: “Therapy didn’t save my marriage, but it saved me from repeating the same mistakes in future relationships.”
“WE WANTED TO MAKE THERAPY PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP FROM THE VERY GET-GO, RATHER THAN WAITING UNTIL WE WERE 10 YEARS IN AND WORKING THROUGH ISSUES”
Shibani Dandekar
Therapy is increasingly being seen as a tool for growth, not just crisis management. “It’s not just about fixing problems anymore,” says Saxena. “More and more couples are coming in to strengthen their communication, deepen intimacy, and work through mental health challenges together.” Whether it's healing old wounds or reigniting passion, therapy can transform "just okay" into "exceptional".
Dandekar offers a fitting analogy, comparing therapy to taking care of your physical health: “It’s like going to the gym. You work on your physical health a few times a week—mental health is no different.”
However, therapy isn’t always a quick fix. The early sessions often bring deep-seated resentment and unresolved anger to the surface. “The longer you wait, the more hurt builds up,” says Saxena. As the saying goes, “What you resist, persists.” Avoiding therapy only lets problems fester further. But for couples willing to face their struggles head-on, it offers the chance for renewal. It’s not just about repairing what's broken, but rediscovering the potential for a more fulfilling partnership.
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