Why are most men averse to seeking therapy?

Patriarchal norms and societal expectations of being strong often weigh several men down, creating a reluctance toward reaching out for help

In a world that usually applauds men for their inherent stoicism and strength, the conversation around their mental health is undergoing a profound transformation in recent times. According to a recent report by the National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB), the suicide death rate (SDR) among men in India stood at 20.6 per lakh in 2021, compared to 8.1 among women. Dr. Vijaykumar, founder of Sneha, a Chennai-based NGO dedicated to suicide prevention, shares: "Worldwide, women report higher rates of depression, but it's men whose suicide rates are higher. This reflects men's difficulty in expressing emotional needs and distress, leading to issues like substance abuse and, ultimately, higher rates of suicide."

Habit coach and author of Change Your Habits, Change Your Life, Ashdin Doctor, observes, "I find many men living lives of quiet desperation. Feeling compelled by 'duty,' a word Osho refers to as a 'four-letter dirty word,' resonates with several men. Most of them feel trapped in societal roles [that are] thrust upon them." Why do men find it challenging to open up about what they are feeling? 

Men Are Built Differently

Richard Reeves, author of Of Boys and Men, suggests biology might hold some answers. He points to the role of testosterone, a male sex hormone responsible for aggression, risk-taking, and the need to impress. Testosterone, argues Reeves, plays a significant role in male emotional expression, often manifesting as stoicism—or the ability to endure pain or hardship without showing feelings or complaining. Another factor is the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. It  matures slower in men than in women, making it challenging for men to navigate their emotions effectively.

In contrast, women, who typically have higher levels of estrogen—a hormone associated with nurturing and emotional connectivity— may find it more natural to seek therapy as a means of emotional support and expression. Robert Bly, author of Iron Boy, summarises, "It's not that men don't want help; it's that they often have to confront deeply ingrained biological factors that make seeking therapy a daunting prospect."

Men Are Raised Differently

In 2020, a survey by the National Institute of Mental Health revealed that 42.3 per cent of adult women received mental health treatment compared to just 22.7 per cent of adult men. This divergence can perhaps be traced back to societal norms, where women are encouraged to express emotions and seek assistance, while men often face the burden of self-reliance. In many families, boys are discouraged from showing vulnerability, perpetuating patriarchal notions such as "boys don't cry." Professional gamer Aniket Chauhan emphasises, "We're constantly fed the idea that men must not share their weak moments. The expectations are too much—men can't cry, can't show weakness, and are always expected to have everything under control."

Restaurateur Ravish Bhavnani concurs, adding, "Patriarchal norms confine masculinity to a narrow definition, pressuring us to adhere to societal expectations like emotional suppression and limited self-expression. This perpetuates harmful stereotypes, affecting one’s mental health and personal growth."

Dr. Robert Glover's concept of the "stoic mask" explored in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy symbolises the societal expectation for men to be strong and in control, further inhibiting emotional expression. 

"Our society encourages men to have all the answers, to keep everyone safe and if they don't, they're expected to figure things out on their own," says therapist Justin Pereira. The very qualities that we socialise men to value are the ones that make it hard for them to form lasting connections.

Men Socialise Differently

Anthropologist David D. Gilmore's exploration into male nurture in Manhood in the Making: Cultural Concepts of Masculinity reveals that across cultures and societies, the concept of "real manhood" is centered around the ability to provide for the family, safeguard the tribe, and contributing to procreation. These traditional roles clash with modern society's changing dynamics, where women are part of the workforce, individualism is of utmost importance, and ideals about marriage and childcare evolve.

Doctor believes, "We lack male role models who understand masculinity in modern society. This often leads to the widely-used label of 'Momma's Boy,' a topic rarely discussed." 

In contrast, many tribal societies initiate boys into manhood through wilderness survival or physically demanding rituals, while for women, the initiation is biologically marked by menstruation. Doctor observes, "Many men distrust other men, particularly their fathers, and hence rely heavily on female caregivers, creating confusion around how to be a man."

When it comes to adult male friendships, entrepreneur David B. says, "The shifting societal landscape may be disorienting for some men, especially those who grew up with clearly defined gender roles that no longer align with the world around them." The Gottman Institute recently shared a report of increased feelings of isolation and a diminishing circle of close friends among several adult men. They found that less than 50 per cent of men reported feeling content with their friendships when compared to women, who reported higher satisfaction and weekly support from their friends. 

Mythopoets like Robert Bly and Michael Meade have delved into mythology and storytelling to illuminate how the erosion of traditional masculine rituals has spurred a generation of confused men, including the shift from male camaraderie to cutthroat workplace competition, increased domestic time with women, the rise of the “feminine voice” through feminism, the early separation from fathers who spend most of their time at work, indictments of sexism, and societal pressure against emotional expression.

Reflecting on the ongoing tension between traditional masculine expectations and being a modern man, Bhavnani shares, “This dichotomy often influences various aspects of my life, from how I navigate relationships to societal expectations. It sometimes leads to moments of introspection and questioning, trying to align personal values with societal norms while breaking free from limiting stereotypes.”

Men Respond to a Different Kind of Therapy

Clinical Psychologist Ronald Levant suggests the term “normative male alexithymia” to describe the inability among men to put words to their feelings—the very basis and principle of traditional talk therapy—resulting from chronic conformity to traditional masculine norms. Interestingly, despite such awareness and the guidelines issued by psychology associations, there are currently no specific directives for the treatment of men in therapy, revealing a gap in men's mental health care—a gap that can be traced to psychology's historical focus primarily on women's mental health. 

A  2022 study titled Gender Dynamics in Divorce conducted by the Marriage Research Institute underscores men's resistance to therapy as a substantial factor contributing to marital breakdowns.

Sagar Rathore, a New Delhi-based businessman, provides a personal testimony, stating, "I know now that my reluctance to seek therapy and open up emotionally strained my marriage and eventually led to its dissolution." Second to the challenging format of talk therapy is the factor of gender disparity within the field itself, contributing to men's hesitation in seeking therapy. With a majority of therapists being female, some men may feel discomfort, especially in couples therapy where both the therapist and partner are women. 

Rohit Gandhi, a UX designer, echoes this sentiment, sharing: "I tried marital counseling but it was uncomfortable being in a room with two women—my wife and the female counselor. There were times I felt cornered and didn’t feel like going back. In retrospect, I would have preferred a male therapist, but we couldn't find one. I continued to support my wife going for therapy, but I didn’t go back."

However, there are stories of men who have overcome their initial reluctance toward therapy and discovered its transformative power. Take Rajat Kapoor, for instance—a corporate lawyer based in Mumbai, who once found himself drowning in anxiety due to a high-stress work environment. His reluctance to seek help dissolved when he discovered a therapist who introduced mindfulness meditation during their sessions. "I realised I needed help when panic attacks and disinterest in life became a daily struggle. My therapist's incorporation of mindfulness meditation allowed me to regain control over my emotions. It was a game-changer," he says.

Similarly, Amar Verma, a young artist, battled depression and loneliness. Initially hesitant about therapy, Verma’s perspective shifted when he found a therapist who suggested art therapy as an alternative approach. Through painting and creative expression, Verma discovered a way to channel his emotions and gradually find healing. He reflects, "I was skeptical at first, but my therapist's recommendation of art therapy opened up a world of healing for me. Creating art became my refuge."

These examples illustrate how alternative therapeutic methods can effectively address the unique needs and preferences of men without being too focused on talking about emotions.

Newer forms of therapy

A study conducted by the University of Sydney offers a potential solution to bridge this gap and make therapy more accessible to men. This study suggests that men with positive therapeutic experiences often have transparent clinicians who are open to adapting therapy to suit men's unique needs. One approach involves modifying therapy settings by incorporating activities beyond traditional talk therapy, such as sport. Chauhan, a passionate advocate for this approach, explains, "Sport has always been a part of my life, and I've found that it fosters camaraderie among men. To make therapy more appealing, we should integrate sport into the therapeutic process." 

To encourage men to overcome their hesitations and embrace therapy, newer alternative therapeutic approaches are gaining traction. Somatic techniques such as Tai Chi and yoga have proven effective in treating mood disorders and anxiety. Emerging somatic therapies like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) encourage a holistic integration of the body and emotions in the healing journey. Arjun Sharma, a media planner based in Mumbai, says, " I was initially pretty anxious about everything. Loneliness was eating at me, and I was trying to figure out how to handle my relationships with women—all while society kept telling me I had to be the rock-solid provider. I wanted to switch careers, but the whole 'what will people think?' fear was holding me back. Then, I lucked upon a therapist who mixed somatic practices into our talks; the  approach made it so much easier to deal with my emotional struggles without having to talk about it for hours on a sofa in a closed room.”

The Male Cycle-Breaker

The media landscape, once a breeding ground for toxic masculinity stereotypes, is also gradually shifting. Prominent figures such as actor Naseeruddin Shah, who recently went public with his views on how films like RRR propagate toxic masculinity, are shedding light on the dangers of hyper-masculinity in Bollywood. Celebrities like Ryan Reynolds, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Prince Harry openly discussing their mental health struggles send a powerful message: seeking help is a sign of strength.

The stigma associated with men opting for therapy is slowly eroding, and as more men find the courage to seek help, society is witnessing a positive shift. Breaking free from outdated notions of masculinity, embracing vulnerability, and exploring diverse therapeutic approaches are crucial steps toward a healthier, more emotionally aware world. Whether it's a male celebrity or the boy next door, each voice contributes to a new narrative—one where seeking therapy is not just a sign of strength but a normalised act of self-care.

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