How to set sexual boundaries

We discuss everything you need to know, including when to discuss them and how to communicate boundaries effectively

We live in an age that encourages us to say yes to things. The messaging is evident everywhere—we would benefit from being adventurous, working harder, trying new things, seeing more places, and never having limits. Why? Because if we set boundaries for ourselves, we’re not exciting enough. 

Trying new things and stepping out of your comfort zone can be great, but that doesn’t negate the need for personal safety and understanding what works for you and what does not. 

Establishing boundaries, sexually and otherwise, is a healthy way of expressing your needs, practising self-care, and setting limits so that other people don’t take advantage of you or unintentionally hurt you. We need boundaries with our jobs, with our friends, and with our sexual and romantic partners. Every social relationship we have could benefit from defining boundaries. However, the problem is that most of us aren’t very good at establishing them. This can be difficult for many reasons, not the least of which is that setting boundaries often feels like saying ‘no’, and ‘no’ can be tricky for many of us to say because we want to please others. Or maybe we’re afraid of being rejected. Or at the workplace, we might even fear losing our jobs. 

When it comes to sex, specifically, the importance of setting boundaries can’t be overstated. You don’t have to say ‘yes’ to something you’re uncomfortable engaging in. You do not have to kiss the person you’re not into. You do NOT have to engage in anal play just because someone wants you to try it. You do not have to do anything. And likewise, if someone is not down to do something you want, you have zero right to push the issue. 

Learning to say ‘no’

When Kolkata-based Nikita, who requested to be quoted by her first name only, was asked to engage in anal play by one of her boyfriends around six years ago, she gave in, thinking she would benefit from being adventurous. So, a few weekends after first discussing anal play into their sexual arsenal, they decided to give it a go during a staycation in the West Bengal beach town of Mandarmani. “When we got down to it, it was not pleasurable. A major reason why was that the guy didn’t do his homework. Anal play is not as easy as thrusting the penis in and out. Foreplay matters. I’ve since learnt from my gay best friend that the giver should ideally rim the anus and finger the area simultaneously to ease the person into the act. Unfortunately, most men in India don’t want to do the spadework because it’s ‘dirty’,” says Nikita. 

After an unpleasant experience, Nikita swore never to engage in the act again, much to the chagrin of her former boyfriend. “He told me he would never try it again with me because I’m dramatic. So I showed him the door,” she says. Nikita is now married and a mother of three. And even though her husband is open to trying anal play, it’s still a hard no from her. “It’s important to set sexual boundaries because safety and comfort come first. Since that awful experience, I’ve had many men try to coerce me into the act, but I’ve always said no. It’s been a deal-breaker for some, while the others have respected my boundaries,” says Nikita.

To quote a 2015 paper on ‘Why Women Engage in Anal Intercourse’: while a growing body of literature suggests that anal intercourse among heterosexual women may be more prevalent than previously assumed, there is currently very little information about why these women are engaging in anal intercourse. For example, while some have suggested that images of sexual behaviour found in popular media may influence both men’s and women’s sexual behaviour (Peterson & Hyde, 2010), the extent to which media images play a role in women’s decisions to engage in anal intercourse (or men’s requests for anal intercourse) is unclear. Similarly, while others have suggested that women’s decisions to engage in anal intercourse may be nested within complex gender relationships that privilege male pleasure and female subjugation (Hekma, 2008; Peterson & Hyde, 2010), the extent to which women reference traditional gender roles (for example, men are interested in sex as conquests, while women are passive recipients of male advances) and sexual scripts (for example, shared conventions about gender roles during sexual activity) when deciding to engage in anal intercourse remains unclear (Dworkin, Beckford, & Ehrhardt, 2007; Simon & Gagnon, 1986).

Steps to setting boundaries

Sexuality educator Apurupa Vatsalya shares essential steps for consenting adults to consider when discussing sexual boundaries. 

Step 1: The conversation with self

Vatsalya believes it is vital to establish what your boundaries are and what your non-negotiables are. “You can do this through worksheets available online or even through a conversation with a friend or a professional.”

Step 2: The setting 

“Pick a time when you and your partner are relaxed, in a good mood and have both privacy and mental bandwidth to have this conversation. Give your partner a heads-up to help them prepare emotionally for a touchy or sensitive topic(s).”

Step 3: The talk

Vatsalya says this need not be a one-time conversation, and every boundary needn’t be addressed or communicated in one go (“This can be quite overwhelming for all parties involved”). “Continuous check-ins and conversations will help you reinforce what you both have agreed on and reiterate your respective boundaries and preferences.”

Step 4: The response

Your partner may not be as eager as you to engage in this conversation, so be prepared for any reaction or response, says Vatsalya. “Approach it with an open mind and listen actively and respectfully. If you notice they are feeling stressed or distracted, pause and revisit it when both of you are in the right frame of mind.”

Step 5: The follow-up

Vatsalya reminds us to show our appreciation to our partners for participating in the conversation. “You could even do something fun together post it to co-regulate and practise aftercare. The talk has now opened the space for continuous and ongoing conversations on boundaries to happen between the two of you.”

Pillow talk

Despite proactively engaging in countless conversations around establishing sexual boundaries with his partner, Daniel (name changed on request) says there’s been little headway regarding his boundaries being respected. “I initially was okay with the idea of opening our relationship up to accommodate newer people. This is after being monogamous for almost five years. Initially, my partner agreed to hash out a set of rules that we could follow to ensure we don’t overstep boundaries regarding the kind of sex we’d be willing to engage in in our bedroom. Being a bottom, I didn’t mind inviting a top into the equation, but my partner always invited a bottom. Then, I noticed that these boys were mostly okay with BDSM and kink, something I have never been okay with. It hit me: he’s unhappy because I don’t cater to his sexual needs,” says Daniel. The couple ended their relationship last year because they couldn’t agree on their sexual arrangement. 

It is complicated in his scenario, says life coach and psychologist Asha Saxena, because understanding boundaries is a moving target. She believes boundaries are not static, and that’s what makes it so challenging. So, for example, you may have different boundaries with different people in your life. Likewise, you may have other boundaries with the same person at different times. And the reason why your boundaries are fluid is because your boundaries relate to your capacity, as well as your preferences. 

We always think we’re capable of much more than we are. “I think the source of this is that we live in this capitalistic society that pushes us to our edges. We have a workplace dynamic where having capacity and boundaries is [considered] inappropriate. The image of the ideal worker is somebody who pushes themselves to their capacity and then some, when you think about how most folks arrange their lifestyles where they work. We’re trained from a very early age and are celebrated and validated for not honouring our capacity for pushing ourselves to the edges of our limits to burn ourselves out,” says Saxena. 

Fluid boundaries

Samira, an art collector from Jaipur, tells The Established that her ability to set boundaries in one context makes it a “transferable skill”. “If you can learn how to set boundaries in one relationship or context, you can take and export that to other relationships. So if you can get good at this personally, it can help you professionally and vice versa. I also believe that boundaries can be flexible and fluid. You know, when I think about my boundaries, when it comes to things like intimacy, I used to have a lot more of them in part because I was a fairly insecure, fairly neurotic person. I had a pretty limited idea of what would be comfortable for me, and I never really wanted to step out of that comfort zone,” she says.

As she’s gotten older, Samira’s boundaries have changed a lot. “I think I created a bunch of boundaries early on that boxed me in to make myself feel safe, but in some ways, that was limiting my personal growth. And it was really in the process of relaxing some of these boundaries that I developed a greater sense of security and self-understanding. So I think, when we’re talking about boundaries, these aren’t lifelong things necessarily, like if this is a line you draw, you’re never going to cross it ever, you know. Previously drawn boundaries can disappear later on; sometimes new boundaries will emerge. So it is a very fluid, dynamic process where you’re always sort of recalibrating your boundaries, and they might also be different in different sexual and intimate relationships,” she says. 

Vatsalya backs Samira’s outlook, telling The Established that we can tweak our boundaries over time. “When you have access to new information and life experiences, or your values and belief systems evolve, you’re bound to have a completely different take on your boundaries. You may have grown, and your boundaries may also be informed by becoming more or less comfortable in a relationship with someone else or even with yourself,” she says. 

Communication of these boundaries should happen at a pace that feels doable, says Vatsalya. “Set yourself up for success and start with the lowest-hanging fruit—a boundary that a partner or a loved one is likely to say yes to without much hesitation or back and forth. You also don’t have to be brutally honest. It’s okay to have a less confrontational and sugar-coated approach if that feels more natural. For example, instead of saying that you hate PDA, which a partner might perceive as rejecting their affection, start with an “I” statement and suggest an alternative. So you could say, “I feel uncomfortable when people see us being intimate in public. I am okay with hugs and holding hands but would love to keep kissing and caressing in our private space.”

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