Why Consensual Non-Consent sex remains misunderstood

For many, the associations of rape and torture, no matter how consensual, remain a dealbreaker, and for others, it provides a safe passage to their innermost fantasies

Trigger warning: Graphic descriptions of sexual assault, potentially triggering language and mentions of trauma.

“I want to be roughed up and thrown around by my man.”

“I dream of a partner who can use me anytime she wants without worrying about my mood.”

“I want to be violated…consensually.”

On the face of it, the idea of Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) sex seems like an anomaly. After all, isn’t sex, one of the most intimate acts built on the bedrock of trust and safety? Although there is no universal definition of CNC sex, experts more or less agree that it’s a subset, or even a form of BDSM, where one partner seemingly exerts control over the other, with a conscious understanding of each other’s boundaries, vulnerabilities, pre-negotiated list of things one can do, safe words, and enthusiastic consent.  

Relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh says a CNC fantasy is relatively higher in women. In a study titled ‘The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents’, published in The Journal of Sex Research, “62 per cent of women have had a rape fantasy,” and the median frequency of these fantasies was about four times per year with 14 per cent of participants reporting that they had rape fantasies at least once a week.

“It doesn’t matter how you describe it,” says Ruuh. “CNC is a sophisticated form of BDSM role-play or a scene between consenting adult partners who create a scene of forced, rape, torture, kidnapping, drugged or asleep sexual acts—simply put, one or more partners pretend to assault the other, while the other pretends not to like it sexually.”

She further elaborates that “these scenes” are discussed elaborately with rules, safe words, the amount of force used, and the number of partners. All the acts that constitute CNC are also not spontaneously acted as all parties need to consent to them before and during the act enthusiastically. “Aftercare like first aid, affection and open communication is crucial like all other BDSM scenes,” she says. 

Learning and grooming 

For the 32-year-old marketing manager, Mrinalini, based in Lucknow, who prefers to be addressed by just her first name, her initiation into the world of CNC began on a less than pleasant note. The way she saw it was love, but then came the trappings of her spirited adolescent self that barely understood or could even grasp the full breadth of boundaries. 

“He told me that CNC is the norm and not an anomaly,” she says. “However, he did not use CNC for it and said rape play helps women get over their trauma of being abused or groped.”

But, there’s a thin line between rape play and CNC although the two may often overlap. In the case of Mrinalini, things became more complicated when their relationship soured, but the nature of the CNC sex continued. “There have been weeks where we wanted to kill each other because there was just so much toxicity, and then the sex almost bordered on abuse,” she says. “I still don’t know if it’s abuse because I didn’t revoke my consent. It certainly didn’t help that he was nine years older than me, and  I was just 19.”

According to sexuality educator Karishma Swarup, a lot of people have a misconstrued understanding of what CNC entails, as evident in one of her clients who shared her experience: She wasn’t into it, they wouldn’t discuss it, not aligning on their boundaries — she was certainly not enjoying it and was even afraid of it. 

“She was told that this is what it is and you have to try it,” says Swarup. “So, in such situations, where only one partner is enthused about it and not the other one, it’s quite literally rape. In other cases, even using triggering language during sex without pre-discussing it is also not okay. There’s a lot of room for error and one of the most crucial aspects is communication.”

And yet, Mrinalini’s preference for CNC sex continues even though she despises the man. What explains this contrast? According to clinical psychologist Sayesha Mani, CNC sex has advantages. Far from viewing it as an activity or kink that might require you to walk on eggshells with your partner, CNC sex can be oddly liberating. 

“My client expressed that participating in BDSM acts consensually, in some ways, empowers them since they have a choice with what is and isn’t happening,” she says. “Their goal was to gain a sense of power over their past experiences, and the feeling of being a victim is being replaced with a sense of control they once had.”

In this way, as an advantage, Mani says CNC sex may even offer survivors of sexual assault a sense of control given that they did not have it previously. 

In queer relationships, where there is a certain level of sexual maturity and understanding, CNC could be more prevalent. In the case of gender-fluid couple Mo and Ruksana, who prefer to remain anonymous as they belong to a small town in central India, the path towards fully releasing the beauty of CNC sex was a gradual but rewarding process.  

“The first time we spoke about it, it was almost in a whisper, and then we both felt validated that this could even be a shared thought,” Ruksana says. “The discovery process was not through porn videos or random Google searches but by understanding each other’s bodies and finding newer, bolder ways to navigate them. After all, the only objective that any sex must fulfil is to bring souls together and not set them apart.”

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