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Karishma Kuenzang profile imageKarishma Kuenzang

Cultural stigmas around masculinity prevent cis Indian men from embracing male sex toys. Can changing perceptions revolutionise India's dating scene?

Why most Indian men still don’t use sex toys—and what it says about masculinity

While traditional notions of masculinity have repressed cis men from accepting help when it comes to self-pleasure, can a sexually satisfied population really clean up the situationship-infested dating scene? 

In urban India, discussions around female sexual pleasure have gradually entered the mainstream, with vibrators now delivered to doorsteps in six minutes via q-commerce. But bring up male sex toys—say, a fleshlight—to a straight Indian man, and you’re likely to be met with discomfort or a quick change of subject.

Recent research underscores this divide starkly: Only 23 per cent of  cisgender Indian men report using sex toys, a figure notably lower than their female (46 per cent) and queer (55 per cent) counterparts. 

“Men have traditionally been conditioned to use their hands to indulge in self-pleasure,” points out Joy, 36, a Delhi-based architect and wildlife photographer, who was given his first sex toy, a fleshlight, by his partner four years ago. He's tried a couple since, including those used for anal play—“I’m bi-curious,” he says. “There are more toys for women and queer men in the market, compared to straight men, who think in a single direction of how masturbation and sex has been—solo and penetrative respectively,” says Joy.

This perception—that a man must be a ‘loser’ or ‘can’t get a girl’ if he uses a sex toy—persists. Instead of viewing it as a risk-free way to explore one’s own sexual needs and understand the  body better, self-pleasure with toys is often framed as shameful

This perception—that a man must be a ‘loser’ or ‘can’t get a girl’ if he uses a sex toy—persists. Instead of viewing it as a risk-free way to explore one’s own sexual needs and understand the body better, self-pleasure with toys is often framed as shameful

When it comes to sex, the key pain points for men versus women are different: Women tend to lament the lack of pleasure during sex, but it’s relatively easy to access sex. But for a lot of single men, the problem isthe absence of it altogether. Image: Unsplash

When it comes to sex, the key pain points for men versus women are different: Women tend to lament the lack of pleasure during sex, but it’s relatively easy to access sex. But for a lot of single men, the problem isthe absence of it altogether. Image: Unsplash

When it comes to sex, the key pain points for men versus women are different: Women tend to lament the lack of pleasure during sex, but it’s relatively easy to access sex. But for a lot of single men, the problem isn’t unsatisfactory sex—it’s the absence of it altogether. As sex educator and content creator Leeza Mangaldas notes, her inbox is filled with men who aren’t struggling with pleasure, but with access. “These are the common issues in a patriarchal landscape. Toys help a woman have an orgasm within minutes because the technology provides game-changing clit stimulation. Everyone wants good sex and they don’t want to be judged for it,” says Mangaldas, who is also the founder of sexual wellness brand Leezu’s. 

Why Indian men don’t talk about masturbation 

People are usually more adventurous privately than they would publicly admit. Especially cis men, for whom societal policing—expectations around how masculinity should look, act, and sound—plays a powerful role. While  women might casually recommend a vibrator, conversations about sex are still taboo—particularly about self-pleasure, and even more so for cis men. 

As a result, Delhi-based engineer, Samarth Grover, 28, recalls how casually masturbation was treated in his college hostel, realising that it was a normal thing for teenage boys to indulge in. “Groups of boys would often watch porn together because they finally had the freedom to be able to attain pleasure,” says Grover. 

“EVERYONE WANTS GOOD SEX AND THEY DON’T WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR IT”

Leeza Mangaldas

“Boys masturbate easier and more frequently, and begin to do so much before women. For a woman to be completely satisfied, intercourse has to last 40-50 minutes. Plus, most Indian men still don’t practise foreplay due to lack of awareness. In Indian households where sex is a taboo topic, anything related to it is secret,” says sexologist Dr Vinod Raina, HIV and sexual medicine specialist. Raina has been working in Delhi for the last 20 years and is clear about the impact on men growing up having to finish within 5-10 minutes as they live with families: premature ejaculation.

Sexual performance is usually treated as a measure of masculinity, notes Raina, adding that sex toys are often perceived as tools for those who can’t perform “naturally,” thereby reinforcing the idea that relying on anything external makes a man less masculine. This perception, deeply tied to traditional views of male sexuality, contributes to why many straight men remain hesitant to use sex toys. 

When sexual wellness brand My Muse launched in 2021, the only product on offer was a female massager. The first offering  for men—the Beat Stroker—was launched later, in 2022. “We knew there would be the taboo we're going up against,” says co-founder Anushka Gupta, adding, “For cisgender men in the heteronormative context, there's always been this sort of masculine drive of feeling like they need to prove that you don't need anything. That's changing, as more products for men have become available and awareness is on the rise as well. But the thought, ‘Does it make me seem like a loser, a deviant, or a pervert’ will always be there."

This perception—that a man must be a ‘loser’ or someone who ‘can’t get a girl’ if he uses a sex toy—continues to persist. Instead of viewing it as a risk-free way to explore one’s own sexual needs and understand the  body better, self-pleasure with toys is often framed as something shameful

People are usually more adventurous privately than they would publicly admit. Especially cis men, for whom societal policing—expectations around how masculinity should look, act, and sound—plays a powerful role. While  women might casually recommend a vibrator, conversations about sex are still taboo—particularly about self-pleasure, and even more so for cis men. Image: Unsplash

People are usually more adventurous privately than they would publicly admit. Especially cis men, for whom societal policing—expectations around how masculinity should look, act, and sound—plays a powerful role. While women might casually recommend a vibrator, conversations about sex are still taboo—particularly about self-pleasure, and even more so for cis men. Image: Unsplash

The stigma around male self-pleasure in India

Treating self-pleasure as taboo has also given rise to a steady stream of misinformation—ranging from how it causes ‘muscle mass loss’ to the idea that it’s morally corrupt or deserving  of punishment. “That sticks with you, also because it’s coming from religious leaders or your parents at a young age,” says Mangaldas. She sees it reflected in the kind of questions she has received from straight men in her DMs on Instagram. There’s also the conditioning at play: that men are supposed to be the ‘givers’ of pleasure and women the ‘receivers’. “Which is why using a sex toy is seen as emasculating,” says Abbas Momin, a Mumbai-based stand-up comedian and podcaster. “There’s also a whiff of homophobia involved—where a guy having sex with a toy is perceived as ‘gay’ or not ‘man enough’.” So, then when a female partner introduces a toy in the bedroom, it often triggers insecurity: What if he can’t please her like the toy does?

“Men are expected to be sexually capable and self-sufficient and, ironically, that very expectation makes self-pleasure feel shameful,” says Dr Chandni Tuganit. “Using a sex toy, for many men, is unconsciously equated with defeat… The problem isn’t the act; it’s the cultural narrative that male sexuality should always be partnered, performative, and powerful. Self-pleasure, especially with toys, feels like an admission that they, too, have unmet emotional or sexual needs, something society rarely allows men to express.” 

At its core, self-pleasure is a form of self-care. “But cis men haven’t been taught to see self-care and self-pleasure as valid or masculine,” continues Tugnait. “Society teaches men to chase, to conquer, to consume, but not to care for themselves in a soft, present way. It’s about how far men are allowed to go when it comes to knowing, honouring, and loving themselves without shame… No one laughs at a man double-tapping a thirst trap, but many would raise eyebrows at him picking a toy.” 

“MANY SEXUAL WELLNESS BRANDS HAVE A FEMALE-FIRST APPROACH BECAUSE THAT’S A PROBLEM THAT NEEDS SOLVING”

Anushka Gupta

The shame, then, isn’t just about self-pleasure—it’s about not fitting into the rigid mould of how male desire is supposed to function. This is why the queer community, not bound by gender norms, has more takers for sex toys. “Queer men often grow up learning about their bodies, desires, and identities in a way that feels different from what society typically teaches,” explains Tugnait. “Since they don’t always fit into traditional ideas of what sex or masculinity should look like, they often have to explore on their own terms. That process of self-discovery opens doors to experimenting without fear or shame.”

The same 2023 study also found that queer individuals are significantly more open to using sex toys during solo sex—at 55.45 per cent, with usage far higher than that among cis men and women combined, at 31.73 per cent.

How porn shapes expectations around male pleasure 

A 2016 study on the effects of pornography consumption among men found that men are more easily aroused by visual sexual stimuli as compared to women. “Compared to women, men use pornography more often during solitary sexual activity. Males are exposed to pornography at a comparatively younger age, and spend more time per week watching it,” the study states. 

Only 23 per cent of  cisgender Indian men report using sex toys, a figure notably lower than their female (46 per cent) and queer (55 per cent) counterparts

Only 23 per cent of cisgender Indian men report using sex toys, a figure notably lower than their female (46 per cent) and queer (55 per cent) counterparts

Sexual wellness brand My Muse launched in 2021 with a female massager. The first offering  for men—the Beat Stroker—launched in 2022

Sexual wellness brand My Muse launched in 2021 with a female massager. The first offering for men—the Beat Stroker—launched in 2022

But porn brings with it a whole slew of issues beyond questions of ethics.  It trains men to seek validation through exaggerated reactions—impractical moans, over-the-top performances and an unrealistic idea of what sexual pleasure should look like. “Since most pornography and pop culture is primarily aimed at the male audience, there’s a tendency to think of their male part as the ‘prize’ for the woman,” says Momin. “So, using any kind of sex toy becomes an issue.” To overcome his own discomfort with a partner using a toy, Momin turned to sex educators who said that toys should be treated as tag team partners, not opponents. 

Why sex toys for men in India still fall short 

A lot of sex toys mimic the sensations of various sexual activities. Yet, men feel that using a sex toy that runs out of battery within 20 minutes and costs ₹1,500 isn’t worth it. Akshay*, a 24-year-old Mumbai-based musician who describes his experience as “interesting but underwhelming,” used a latex toy with a vibrator that wrapped around the shaft. “Male sex toys also need to be more elaborate, because getting used a foreign object in that part can be uncomfortable for men,” he explains. There are practical concerns too—fleshlight toys (artificial vaginas), for instance, are bulky and not concealable. 

“USING A SEX TOY, FOR MANY MAN, IS UNCONSCIOUSLY EQUATED WITH DEFEAT”

Chandni Tugnait

“While designing the products for men, we kept in mind that there would be a lot of first-time users. So, the toys are simple, less intimidating, with lesser features, while ensuring they  look like high-end gadgets,” says Gupta. Currently, the brand offers four products for men—besides rings—as opposed to nine for women. 

Why most sex toys are designed for women

“Many sexual wellness brands have a female-first approach because that's a problem that needs solving,” says Gupta. “Sex toys came into being to solve the problem of the elusive orgasm and to show that consistent orgasm is possible and approachable. With sex toys, you literally put it into the hands of women to take control of their own pleasure. Men have kind of had that ability since forever.” A wider range of sex toys for women also makes sense as women have options for external and internal devices which cater to clitoral and vaginal stimulation respectively—something that doesn’t translate as clearly for men.  The focus on women also stems from therapeutic needs. Sex toys can support women with conditions like vaginismus (where the vaginal muscles involuntarily tighten), or post vaginoplasty recovery.  “That helps lose the stigma a tad,” notes Mangaldas.  

Having said that, Mangaldas has also received messages from men claiming sex toys helped them overcome premature ejaculation—an experience echoed in the reviews received by My Muse too. Raina, however, remains sceptical, arguing that most homegrown sex toys don’t effectively address male sexual health concerns

Sexual performance is treated as a measure of masculinity, says Dr Vinod Raina, adding that sex toys are often perceived as tools for those who can’t perform

Sexual performance is treated as a measure of masculinity, says Dr Vinod Raina, adding that sex toys are often perceived as tools for those who can’t perform "naturally", reinforcing the idea that relying on anything external makes a man less masculine, contributing to why many straight men hesitate to use sex toys. Image: Unsplash

A 2016 study on the effects of pornography consumption among men found that men are more easily aroused by visual sexual stimuli as compared to women. But porn  trains men to seek validation through exaggerated reactions and an unrealistic idea of what sexual pleasure should look like. Image: Unsplash

A 2016 study on the effects of pornography consumption among men found that men are more easily aroused by visual sexual stimuli as compared to women. But porn trains men to seek validation through exaggerated reactions and an unrealistic idea of what sexual pleasure should look like. Image: Unsplash

Can male sexual wellness improve dating in urban India?

“If men start being more honest about their pleasure and let go of the age-old stigma that chains it to their masculinity and pride, it would go a long way in normalising sex toys for men. Perhaps the market will take notice too. But we’re far from that,” points out Momin, who has yet to come across a straight man who bought a sex toy for himself and admitted it.  

But it’s not just about the toy. “It’s about a man wanting to feel good enough and to feel wanted. What’s missing is a safe space where he can talk, learn, and explore pleasure without being judged. Unless we move from trying to impress to actually trying to connect, toys will continue to feel like a threat,” says Tugnait.

Besides, being sexually satisfied might even help improve the current chaotic dating scene so many people complain about. “Because then you aren’t approaching dating from a place where you’re just horny and lonely, where anything will do—which, sometimes, results in people, especially women, feeling a bit used. Fulfill your needs and then enter the dating world with some more intention,” says Mangaldas. That way, you’re not  just scratching an itch—you’re actually open to forming a real connection. Otherwise, you’re just dragging your blue balls through Bumble.

Also Read: Is the sex-toy industry in India sneakily ageist? We think so

Also Read: Women-led online platforms in India offer both sex toys and sex education

Also Read: Sex, social media, and the new age of Indian porn consumption


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