Mastering situationships in a swipe-right world

A more relaxed version of a relationship, sans exclusivity or commitment, to the level of being concerned about each other might sound stressful, but doesn’t always have to be

You’re on a first date, fresh out of a long-term relationship. One drink and an hour down, and they say they want a situationship. You order round two, wonder how they could have figured out you guys aren’t “meant to be” in just an hour, and agree, because any ‘“-ship” that sails in the day and age of dating apps seems to begin with situationships. 

Reality check: No one’s looking for a long-term relationship or even wanting to be exclusive. But, you do things that you would only do if you’re in a committed relationship—you talk about your dreams sans the hope of a future together, you let your guard down. The rules have changed. 

Confused? You aren’t alone. Welcome to finding love in 2024. And, well, failing.

“Situationship” is a term that writer Carina Hsieh popularised in 2017 in the US Cosmopolitan when she described romantic-sexual relationships without a clear nature. A Survey on Public Opinion on Situationship—published in March 2023 which comprised 10,000 respondents aged between 21 to 99, including Indians—stated that 40 per cent  people think a situationship should be considered an official relationship status, and 30.34 per cent think that the current generation generally prefers it over committed relationships.

But, what is a situationship?

It is a more relaxed version of a relationship, sans exclusivity or commitment, to the level of being concerned about each other. “[You can,] but there’s no love lost if someone is busy for a while,” says Aditya Raj, 32, a queer artist from Delhi. So, a long-term fling where you ignore each other’s lives? 

Nope. 

Aronjoy Das, a 26-year-old singer-songwriter reckons it’s just a phase of your life that’s all about what you want from that moment. The only thing you are sure of is that you don’t want it forever. You meet, talk to them about life and issues frequently, but there’s a deadline to it. So, friends with benefits? 

Nah. 

It’s a confusing combination of it all, depending on who you descend into the chaos with. It’s not new, just the term is.“It just sounds like bad English and grammar, and makes no sense. If people want to say that they are dating but unsure, just say that,” says Rajni Palriwala, a sociologist and professor (retd.), University of Delhi. “About 15 years ago, the dating culture was one where you also assumed that you were dating to marry. But the idea of exploration of one’s self has been growing over the last decade or more, as has the idea that marriage shouldn’t define women,” adds Palriwala. 

But the thing about nomenclature that becomes a trend is that we focus on the terminology rather than the actual problem: An uncertain connection between two people or a lack of clarity in what they want. “We often feel as if labels bring a sense of certainty, even if it's a situationship. But that's wishful thinking. Certainty does not need any labels,” says Varun Rana, 40.

From the availability of birth control to the proliferation of dating apps, has technology played a role in propelling situationships?. The Tinder Year in Swipe Report from 2022 noted a “49 per cent increase in members adding ‘situationships’ to their bios”.

Situationships are in danger of quickly turning into a power dynamic, where one person develops feelings and the other doesn’t. There is always a pusher (without feelings) and a puller (with feelings). The power dynamic is so dependent on external actions that small things have become significant. “Why is ‘who will make the first plan/text first’ even a question? Just ask: ‘Hi. How're you doing? I was thinking about you and thought could we go for a coffee?’ Why are we focussing on how long it’s been since they texted?” says Rana.  

The only way to do it? Set your boundaries before or during the first meeting if you are sure about what you’re looking for. “Ask if you’re going to meet again, say if you don’t want them to be in touch or vice versa. If you want exclusivity, you HAVE to say so—it’s not easy,” he adds. 

Why lie?

The scope for guilt-free transparency that comes with the label also means there’s less reason to lie (or care about it). Which is why it’s seen as a red flag even in situationships. Like communications expert Rittika Modwel, 37, did when she was seeing someone fresh out of his divorce. They kept things transparent and would talk about the other people they were seeing. Six months in, when he started lying to her about it, she called it quits. The lying was unnecessary.

Then there’s Aditya who had to ask someone he was seeing if something was wrong because they started being distant. “He admitted he was only telling me because I asked; he confessed that he had met someone else he was interested in. His plan was to not tell me and just fade out of our equation. He was just going to ignore me!” It then becomes important to keep checking if both of you are on the same page. Observe the other people’s actions and see if they respect your time. 

There’s a lot of casual disrespect in the confusing state of rules but there are no rules too. Since a situationship isn’t defined as a “relationship” in concrete terms, it’s easy to abuse the word. Aditya has seen a lot of straight men misuse the tag to just be irresponsible. “Like when they cheat and say it isn’t cheating because they agreed that it was a ‘situationship’. I have many women friends who now feel the pressure to be cool enough to jump aboard a situationship, which then gives the men power to decide the status of the equation,” he says. 

Being respectful doesn’t mean you go above and beyond. There are certain incidents which could put you off the other person completely. Like Modwel’s shortest situationship with someone six years younger, who started saying, ‘Don’t fall in love with me’ every time, after she had made it clear there would be no feelings involved. “Besides, he was still getting over his ex. It’s very cringe when someone keeps hinting that they [think] are so great that you will fall in love with them,” says Modwel. 

Modwel is currently seeing someone who lives in another city and has different priorities. They meet on a weekend once a month and bond over common interests. “It’s ideal. It’s been three months and the fights are minimal because there is no expectation,” she says. 

The age of doing the bare minimum? 

Das first started things with his current girlfriend as a situationship—one he walked away from because he realised she had developed feelings for him. “If it goes on beyond three months, in most cases, one person ends up developing feelings or getting used to it so much that they would want to take it a step further. And so, they end up hurt.” His girlfriend adds, “I was really into Aronjoy for about a year. But he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. He was kind in the way he ended things and was transparent. So, I waited for him and now we're dating.” Welcome to the age where you glorify the bare minimum. 

Most individuals think that the worst way to end a situationship is to ghost someone. Das was by a girl with whom things were seemingly well for a week. “The limbo it leaves things in isn’t healthy.” Vishal*, 24, a Mumbai-based copywriter, spent six months hurting over his three-month-long situationship. It was only when it ended abruptly that he realised the only thing that made it last was that he was emotionally invested in it. “It’s inevitable if you hang out with someone often enough and let your walls down,” he says. 

Dating someone may lead to romance. But with situationships, which is simply having someone just because you need company or just to have an occasional laugh with, it isn’t always so.

When someone says ‘I’m only looking for a casual scene’, you know that that’s not how human feelings work. Nor do feelings work according to nomenclature—which is only going to get more complex. As of last month, dating app Bumble lets users choose from up to two badges in the 'What do you want from your date?' section, which has options like “fun, casual dates,” “intimacy without commitment" and “ethical non-monogamy”. What’s your pick? 

Also Read: Why saying ‘I need my space’ in a relationship can actually bring you closer

Also Read: Why your sex life could use a reboot

Also Read: What do healthy female friendships really look like?