Why are people ghosting each other?

From workplace scenarios to dating apps, we find out why it is always better to confront rather than simply disappear

In 2021 when I was looking for a job, I got a reply from a company I wished to work with and I was ecstatic. After my third round of the interview process, this time with their editor-in-chief, I was pretty confident about landing the opportunity as the feedback from their side seemed positive as well. However, after a few weeks of back and forth, there was radio silence. I neither heard from any of the people who interviewed me, nor did I hear from their HR team, despite following up over emails and messages. It then dawned on me that it had happened again—for the fourth time in three months, I was ghosted.

‘Ghosting’ is the term used for when someone disappears on you without any warning or indication. This disappearing act, largely prevalent in dating scenarios, started to spread in professional, workplace set-ups a little over two years ago during the pandemic, just like the Coronavirus. Instead of sending me a rejection email or an explanation, my potential employer chose to ignore me.

A 2021survey conducted by recruitment website Indeed revealed that 28 per cent people have ghosted an employer, up from only 18 per cent in 2019. When it comes to going on a dating app to find the right match, it’s been a lot easier for people to engage in ghosting during the pandemic, owing to bouts of isolation and loneliness, brain fog (thanks, coronavirus), communication fatigue and just plain boredom.While the pandemic has definitely acted as a catalyst, is this trend of ghosting here to stay? Is it the new normal?

Ghosting at work

According to the Greenhouse Candidate Experience Report 2022, more than 75 per cent of job seekers have been ghosted after an interview, never hearing from a company again. My LinkedIn feed is littered with ghosting stories of potential candidates left without an answer by various companies—big and small alike—after multiple rounds of interviews.

Rahat Lookmanji, a mental health and wellness practitioner and founder of The Empathy Centre, an online therapy platform, explains how the Covid-19 pandemic propelled this phenomenon even further as the volume of people applying for a single position grew astronomically. “In the last one year itself, 60 per cent of my clients either wanted to, or have tried to, switch their jobs. That’s a high margin; that’s not the norm,” she says. “Since there are so many candidates applying for the same position, the interviewer doesn’t feel the need to reply [to all of them].”

This disappearing act is not always one-sided. It’s not just the candidates who are ghosted; recruiters, too, are facing this issue. Needa Natterwala, a human resource professional in a digital media company, was ghosted twice by candidates right before their date of coming on board. “A week before their date of joining, when this person asked for an extension, we agreed. Following the extended date, when I proactively tried to get in touch with them, there was no response to any texts or calls. We haven’t heard from them till date,” she says.

As unprofessional as it might be, the rise of this phenomenon in the past two years has made it seem normal to not respond to every lead or every candidate. While no one likes being at the receiving end of being ghosted, this avoidance of confrontation can have lasting effects on individuals, leaving job seekers and recruiters distressed with lack of closure, akin to abruptly ending a relationship with a person you’ve been courting.

Swipe right to disappear

Speaking of relationships, imagine scrolling on Bumble and matching with a cute guy. He’s smart, he’s funny and you like his vibe. You can see this going somewhere. But then suddenly he stops responding to your messages. You try to follow up with a “Hey, is everything ok?”, “Are you there?” Sounds believable, right? Something similar has happened quite often with Manas Paradkar, a 29-year-old advertising professional based in New York. “This one time, I was chatting with someone online for three months. We didn’t meet because of the pandemic restrictions. Suddenly one fine day that person just unfollowed me and blocked me on every platform. There was no fight nor were there any arguments; it was out of nowhere,” Paradkar shares.

When it comes to getting to know somebody in the digital era, this kind of radio silence from the other end can trigger multiple insecurities, leaving a person confused and distressed with looming questions of self-doubt. “Some level of stress might kick in if you think you’re getting really involved with someone, because then you’re nervous of getting ghosted. This makes people less emotionally invested in the other person,” says Paradkar.

If the dating world had a status update, it would be ‘complicated.’ A survey on millennial dating reported that 82 per cent of women and 71 per cent of men have experienced some form of ghosting on dating apps. In the age where you find a partner by swiping right and trying out options, you are also making snap judgements based on a few lines of their bios and a smattering of their photos. If you don’t like the energy that person radiates after ‘trying them out’ over a few messages, it’s easier to cut off communication rather than having to deal with an awkward break-up conversation.

Ghosting a person you barely know is, of course, different from avoiding replying to your persistent aunt who is only looking for updates on your love life. But it still hurts and can lead to a downward spiral of anxiety and self-doubt.

Does it get easier?

In the online world, virtues like honesty and respect for the other person can easily be lost. The psychological ramifications of ghosting are quite high and can be termed as emotional abuse. While you can’t control the other person’s actions, Lookmanji spells out some hard truths when it comes to dealing with being ghosted. “If you’re on dating apps, you have to go with the mentality that you’re not going to please everybody or click with everybody,” she says. “You have to know that it is okay to be ghosted. If somebody ghosts you on an app, it’s not a criticism on who you are; you might just not be the person for them.” When it comes to finding a job, people are viewed more as a commodity rather than an individual. “Don’t take it personally because you are not being judged on who you are but what skills you bring to the table,” shares Lookmanji.

It goes without saying that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. While ghosting leaves a bad impression in a professional scenario it feels like swallowing a bitter tablet when it comes to relationships. So make it a point to communicate better instead of ignoring or avoiding conversations. Send that text, send that email, even if it may feel awkward.

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