What do healthy female friendships really look like?

While pop culture has conditioned us to believe that strong female friendships are characterised by constant availability, three mental health experts explain why this isn’t always realistic

If you look up The Bold Type–the television series which has raked in a sizeable female fan following over the years–you’ll come by an image of its central characters (Kat, Sutton and Jane) sitting close together in the fashion closet of Scarlet magazine, the popular women’s publication they work at. What you’re seeing is essentially a ritual of sorts where the three protagonists drop whatever they are doing to dissect any new developments in their lives–the closet is where everything from a break-up to a promotion is discussed at length. At first sight, this closeness might seem cathartic, but upon closer examination, many will find that it’s actually quite constricting. It paints a rather narrow picture of female friendships–one that tells the show’s many viewers that care is measured by constant availability.

Such rigid representations, which suggest that deep bonds between women are primarily built on copious amounts of time together, can, in reality, be extremely hard to live up to, especially as you grow older and life gets in the way. We asked a few mental health experts to not only elaborate on the problem with what we’re shown on screen but to also help us identify more meaningful markers of female friendships today. 

The misconceptions  

An extreme, demanding depiction of female friendships is not new or uncommon. Think back to any show or film where the plot follows two women who are best friends, whether it’s Two Broke Girls or Grace and Frankie, and you’ll find that the protagonists are almost always attached at the hip. “We’re shown friendships where people are able to constantly spend time together and share new experiences. As nice as that is, that may not always be realistic. It puts a conditioned pressure on us to show up for our friends in that way, or even expect them to do the same for us,” says Mumbai-based psychologist Nyamat Chadha.

Too much time together can also result in friends taking on multiple, very varied roles in each other’s lives. For instance, one might count on the same person to be a reliable colleague, a close friend who can be confided in around the clock and someone they can party with. This state of affairs can quickly become overwhelming. “I really resonate with psychotherapist Esther Perel’s point of view here. It’s about romantic partners but is also true of female friendships. Perel said, ‘so we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide.’ It’s not wrong to want our friends to be there for us but to expect them to fill many roles can put a strain on the health of the friendship,” adds Chadha.

Research scholar and psychotherapist Tamanna Edwards explains how this expectation can drive an unhealthy dependency. “We might expect a friend to be there for us at all times and when this expectation isn’t met, it can lead to disappointment or even anger,” she says. 

Quality over quantity  

What, then, are some key traits of a strong female friendship? According to Chadha, it’s more about the quality and not the amount of time invested. “I think friendships are defined not by how much time you spend together but by how nurturing or supportive the time feels, no matter how much or how little it is,” she says. Edwards belongs to a similar school of thought. The strength of female friendships, she adds, shouldn’t be gauged by one’s willingness to leave behind their life but by the effort made to be there during moments that matter. “The expectation that a woman will drop everything at home and at work to be with her friends is unrealistic. A healthy friendship recognises that friends can get busy and what really matters is that they help you grow, celebrate your successes and show up during tough times, even if it’s virtually,” says Edwards.  

Communication is key 

Such friendships–which let people show up in a way that feels true to them–are safe spaces that allow for open communication, an ingredient which forges the foundation of the sturdiest relationships. “In any healthy relationship, including female friendships, there needs to be honest communication and an exchange of vulnerability between people. I think, for me, the best friendships are with people whom I can be authentic with,” says Chadha.

So if you’re constantly keeping someone company but only revealing parts of yourself that are palatable to them in the pursuit of a permanent state of peace, it’s not a good sign. Most close friendships, contrary to popular belief, are not conflict-free zones. “Moving through conflicts in a healthy way is a reflection of a mature friendship. Friendships of value are not fickle but grow stronger when they hit a bump along the way,” explains Edwards. 

Change is a constant 

Many women will attest that problems in friendships commonly arise when one out of the two people involved is navigating a big life change–motherhood, a new romantic relationship, a job change or a move to a different city are some examples–which makes it difficult to put in the same amount of time and energy into the friendship. The secret to sustaining the relationship here is not holding on to what used to be or force-fitting pop culture’s aforementioned, inflexible definition but to understand that friendships, like a lot else in life, have the ability to evolve and adapt. More often than not, they are strong enough to survive big shifts.

However, it could be problematic if the issues extend far beyond availability and the efforts eventually become one-sided. “All friendships should come with empathy, healthy boundaries and a balance of effort. If one person is always making an effort to listen and meet up, it could be a red flag,” says counsellor and writer Beverly Noronha. In such scenarios where the balance is lost, there is always room for re-evaluation. “If a friendship doesn’t bring any meaning or doesn’t make sense in the current context of our life, we’re allowed to re-evaluate it, based on how reciprocal, expansive or nurturing it feels to the present versions of ourselves,” concludes Chadha. 

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