Why your sex life could use a reboot

We find out how partners have productive conversations about sexual desire

In long-term relationships, it isn’t uncommon for couples to experience a shift in their sexual dynamics. This can be attributed to various factors, ranging from changes in health and hormones, conflicts within the relationship, increased stress, and more. While some couples find that their sexual connection deepens and improves over time, others may face challenges, with a decline in the quality of their sexual experiences. It's worth noting that the overall trend suggests that sexual satisfaction tends to decrease over time, and sexual frequency often follows a similar pattern. This means that, on average, as couples spend more time together, they may have less frequent sexual encounters, and the quality of these encounters can also be affected.

Topic of desire

In such cases, the topic of desire discrepancy surfaces frequently. This issue often becomes more pronounced when children are part of the equation, although it's not exclusive to such cases. It also pertains to how couples approach one another and engage in physical touch.

"One common example is how one partner may reach around and grab the other's chest or breasts. For some, this touch may be an unwelcome and uncomfortable surprise, devoid of context or warm-up, while for others, it's precisely what they desire from their partner. The critical point here is the importance of communication. It's equally vital to discuss what kinds of touch are pleasing and what should be avoided, not only in the bedroom but also outside of it," says Dr Manish Verma, a counselor based in Mumbai, who specialises in helping couples navigate marital issues stemming from differences in sexual desire.

Clear communication is key, Verma tells The Established, as it helps both partners understand each other's desires and boundaries. "It's essential to articulate what turns you on and what is an absolute no-go, with the aim of creating a safe space for dialogue. Instead of saying, 'I hate it when you do that,' couples can find more gentle ways to guide their partner, evoking curiosity and a willingness to explore different ways of intimacy that can foster a deeper connection rather than shutting down their partner," he says.

Let's talk about it

Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of human identity. We are inherently sexual beings, and a majority of people either are or will be sexually active at some point in their lives. Surprisingly, despite the significance of sexuality, it remains a topic that is discussed relatively infrequently, particularly when it comes to the changes in sexual functioning that can occur due to medical conditions, relational issues, or the natural process of aging.

"Open and informed discussions about sexuality are essential to promoting well-being and a healthy understanding of our bodies. It's crucial to address these topics in an inclusive and non-judgmental manner, offering support, information, and resources to individuals who may be experiencing changes in their sexual lives. This can empower people to navigate and embrace their sexual well-being at any stage of life or under various circumstances," says Khushi Parikh, an aspiring sex therapist. 

Finding a middle ground

Mumbai-based Meenakshi and Sameer recently started attending counselling sessions to address their desires and boundaries. Married for five years, the couple says they've been introduced to coaching exercises with the intent of helping Meenakshi explore her preferences. "One exercise involved a simple act: me brushing her hair. She later enthusiastically praised the experience, noting that it was non-sexual yet immensely pleasurable. I was amazed by the profound impact such a modest gesture had on her satisfaction," says Sameer, a marketing professional. 

Subsequently, the couple had plans to meet another couple to switch things up sexually, but Meenakshi expressed her reluctance to proceed with the arrangement. Rather than pressuring her to fulfill their prior commitment, Sameer gracefully acknowledged her feelings and suggested postponing the meeting. They returned home, and to their surprise, the woman discovered a heightened level of arousal that had been absent for quite some time. This experience of saying no to something she didn't want—and not facing resistance—allowed her to tap into a previously dormant eroticism. "This newfound understanding and the liberating power of saying no created space for a more fulfilling yes," says Meenakshi.

Feeding fantasies

It's valuable to adopt a mindset of curiosity rather than judgment when your partner introduces a new idea or desire, says Verma. When faced with a situation where you're uncertain or uncomfortable, and you notice judgment creeping in, he believes taking a moment to breathe and asking questions can be transformative. "Approach it with curiosity by saying, 'Tell me more about that. What do you like about it? What are your motivations or fantasies related to this?' This approach is pivotal for healthy communication," he adds. 

For instance, consider a scenario where one person expresses a desire for a specific act, such as choking, while the other person feels apprehensive due to past non-consensual experiences. In this case, it's essential to approach the conversation with sensitivity. Hopefully, the previous experience was not traumatic to the point of triggering a fight-or-flight response. "By taking a breath and asking questions like, 'I'd like to hear more about what arouses you or why you find this sexy,' you create a safe space to understand your partner's perspective. They might have a well-thought-out explanation, such as a long-standing fascination stemming from a past encounter or some other origin. This approach fosters open and respectful dialogue," says Verma. 

Reconnecting

Another important part of resetting your sex life is reestablishing the connection you have with your partner. How do you bring that spark back to the relationship when your partner feels disconnected?

Jacintha C, a Mumbai-based counsellor, believes at the core of most issues lie one of three key elements: intimacy, connection, or freedom. None of these terms are synonymous with mere sexual connotations. "Intimacy embodies the essence of being close friends who genuinely appreciate one another, share secrets, and maintain enduring affection. Connection transcends mere chemistry, representing a profound bond. Freedom encompasses both liberation from constraints and the ability to pursue one's desires," she says. Typically, it is one of these three elements, or a combination, that underlies the feelings of disconnection. "To truly resolve it, one must identify the root cause, recognising that the problem often extends beyond the realm of sexual encounters," she adds. 

Rebuilding yourself

Sometimes, resetting your sex life involves a reevaluation of the relationship with yourself. Changes in one's body—such as weight gain—can provoke feelings of insecurity. These insecurities may manifest during sexual encounters or deter one from engaging in such activities due to a reluctance to expose one's body.

"When I engage with clients who have recently experienced a breakup and are now seeking to work on themselves, we begin by scrutinising their personal dealmakers and dealbreakers. This includes a deep examination of their values and the qualities they desire in a partner," says Jacintha. 

Jacintha and her clients work together to outline the specific attributes they seek and what they look like in real-life scenarios, dedicating time to this self-exploration. This process involves substantial internal reflection, prompting individuals to ponder their desires. 

"I recall one particular woman who utilised a workbook I had developed for this kind of self-discovery. After diligently applying the insights from the workbook, she crafted a dating profile and found someone who was a 100 per cent match to her expectations," she says. This individual turned out to be precisely the person Jacintha's client had hoped to meet, leading to the commencement of a remarkable relationship. However, she still wanted to address her sexual concerns. "Our work then shifted towards delving into the reasons holding her back, exploring any past messages she had internalised during her upbringing. This process of self-exploration reveals a multitude of intricacies. It becomes evident that this work extends far beyond the realm of sexuality; it encompasses various aspects of one's being," she says. 

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