What to do when your partner wants more sex than you

No matter which side of the desire spectrum you're on, it can be a difficult situation to navigate

Nishita, a 30-year-old New Delhi-based HR professional (who prefers to be identified by her first name only), has been married to her husband for four years, following a three-year dating period. In the beginning, their sexual relationship was characterised by both great and average experiences. They couldn't resist each other and would find intimate moments in various places, including the dining table, the balcony, and even the pool. 

Nishita explains, "My husband and I have always been sexually adventurous. However, things started to change about a year ago. I began a rigorous workout routine due to my PCOS, while my husband became less active because of the nature of his job, which involves working from home. Over the past few months, my sexual desire has increased significantly. I find myself craving sex nearly every day." Nishita says her husband has become increasingly irritated by her advances. "It's as if he wants to keep his distance. There have been days when he leaves home before I arrive to avoid my advances," she reveals.

Despite discussing this disparity in their libidos, the couple has been unable to reach a resolution. Nishita admits, "I've had sexual encounters with a couple of men from my gym, purely as a way to release some pent-up tension. It's a way for me to let off steam. My husband is unaware of my infidelity, but I don't believe I've done anything wrong."

A hidden desire

Nishita is not alone. It's true that discussions about differences in sexual desire within a relationship often tend to focus on the partner with the higher libido, who often finds themselves at the receiving end of misconceptions and stigmatisation. "It's important to recognise that desire discrepancies are a common issue that can affect either partner in a relationship, and they should be approached with understanding and empathy rather than judgment," says Dr Manish Verma, a counselor based in Mumbai, who specialises in helping couples navigate marital issues stemming from differences in sexual desire. He goes on to say that labelling the partner with the higher desire as a "sex addict" is often an unfair characterisation. "Wanting more sex or having a higher libido doesn't equate to addiction. It's a natural aspect of human variation, and people have different levels of sexual desire," he says. 

Navigating libidos

In her book Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, Dr Jennifer Vencill, a United States-based certified sex therapist touches on the fact that dismissing the concerns of the partner with a higher libido is not a productive approach. Suggesting that they should masturbate more oversimplifies the complexity of their emotions and needs within the relationship. "Relationships are built on emotional and physical intimacy, and it's important to address both partners' desires and concerns openly and respectfully," she says in her book.

It's crucial to establish from the start that there is no universally right or wrong level of libido. Human sexuality is a complex and ever-changing aspect of our lives, influenced by various factors such as time, different relationships, age, and context. It's unrealistic to claim that there's a single correct level of sexual desire, given what we understand about human sexuality.

Using the analogy of the tortoise and the hare, as discussed in Dr Vencill's book, it's essential to recognise that some individuals may naturally have a lower or higher libido compared to their partners. The primary focus should not be on trying to change someone into a higher- or lower-libido individual. Instead, the goal is to navigate and manage these differences effectively, particularly in long-term relationships where such variations are common and expected.

For instance, if someone takes time to become sexually aroused or their libido isn't consistently high, the aim isn't to pressure them into desiring sex every day, as that might be an unrealistic expectation. Similarly, for those who have a high libido and desire frequent sexual activity, the goal isn't to limit them to infrequent encounters.

The objective is to provide couples and partners with the tools necessary to handle these predictable differences in a way that doesn't lead to hostility or resentment, which can gradually erode the quality of the relationship over time. Effective communication, understanding, and compromise are key to achieving this balance.

Finding a way out

Mumbai-based techie Harsh Seth says he's found a way to navigate the differences in sexual desire with his girlfriend of three years with humour and understanding. "Masturbation is my way of maintaining sexual satisfaction and keeping things exciting when there's a disparity in libido," he says. 

Seth never attempts to pressure his partner or plead with her to engage in sexual activity. "We spend quality time together, and she takes the initiative when she is comfortable, to which I willingly respond. When she doesn't initiate, I take care of my needs independently," he says, adding: "I am someone who could have sex once a day, everyday. My girlfriend's inclination leans toward perhaps once every couple of months, and sometimes even longer if she's particularly stressed from work." Initially, he felt a sense of rejection in this disparity of desires.

Nevertheless, Seth recognised the importance of viewing the situation from her perspective. To his partner, sexual intimacy holds a lower priority, and other matters understandably take precedence during times of elevated stress. In contrast, I find that sexual activity serves as a stress reliever," he explains.

No judgements

Mumbai-based licensed psychologist Vidya Sharma believes, in most instances, an individual's level of sexual desire falls within the normal range, whether on the higher or lower end of the spectrum or somewhere in between. However, there are situations where it may raise concerns and warrant professional assistance, especially when it feels unmanageable or begins to disrupt daily life. "For instance, an individual with an extremely high libido that feels uncontrollable and leads to repeated infidelity might indicate the need to seek guidance from a professional to address this specific issue," she says.

Different motivators

Often, partners in relationships have distinct motivators for engaging in sexual activity, and this diversity should come as no surprise, given that we are all individuals with unique preferences, needs, and motivations, believes Sharma. "It's a common expectation in partnerships that our motivators should align or match with those of our partners. In reality, most of the time, they don't align perfectly. Whether you find yourself as the partner with a lower or higher libido, it becomes crucial to understand why you are drawn to sexual intimacy. For many, it's primarily about physical pleasure; sex simply feels good, although it's essential to acknowledge that this isn't universally true for everyone," she says. 

Sometimes, physical pleasure isn't the sole motivator. Some individuals are driven to be sexual because it deepens their emotional connection or enhances their sense of being wanted and desired. It fulfills certain ego needs that can be quite healthy. "On the other hand, for some, it's a spiritual experience. And for others, engaging in sexual activity, including achieving orgasms, can serve practical purposes like improving sleep or alleviating pain or headaches," says Sharma. 

Communication is key 

Dr Verma says effective communication about your motivations and desires in sex is crucial. "For instance, if someone's motivation for sex is primarily to feel more intimate and connected with their partner, it doesn't necessarily have to involve penetrative intercourse. There can be various ways to fulfill that need, so discussing fantasies with a partner can be valuable.” 

Rather than fixating on specific sexual acts, it's often more beneficial to explore how you want to feel during sex, your deeper emotional needs, and the physical sensations you desire. "When everyone involved understands these core elements, you can craft and create scenarios that cater to each person's unique desires and needs," he says. 

Remove the shame

Seth points out a significant underlying issue in this conversation: the lack of open and healthy discussions about sex and masturbation within our culture. "While strategies like masturbation or adjusting routines and frequencies can be beneficial for bridging desire differences in relationships, many couples have never broached the topic. This avoidance often leads to feelings of embarrassment and shame due to societal norms and taboos surrounding these subjects," he says, emphasising that addressing desire differences becomes more challenging without initiating these conversations.

Sensate

Speaking to The Established, Dr Verma discusses the sex therapy technique known as Sensate, originally developed by American sex therapists Masters and Johnson in the 1960s. The therapy centres around using non-sexual touch to promote intimacy within a relationship, potentially bridging the gap in libido discrepancies.

Dr Verma points out that Sensate therapy can be especially helpful and effective in long-term relationships, where established patterns and routines can pose challenges. Breaking away from conditioned responses and finding a fresh perspective on intimacy is often necessary for couples to improve their sexual connection and overall relationship satisfaction. So, there's a reset that needs to happen. "This is where Sensate focus can be very helpful because it's new and different that most people have never really tried before with their partner. It’s a way to break the mold, reset routines and find new ways to touch and connect where there isn't that demand or expectation that sex is automatically going to follow," he says. 

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