The pleasure gap has prompted more Indian women to pay for sex

Most women believe paid sex is hassle-free and comes with a guaranteed orgasm

When it comes to buying and selling sex, people most commonly think of men as the buyers and women as the sellers. While men are far more likely than women to say they’ve paid for sex before, women, albeit fewer in number, are bucking that trend. Not only are they unafraid of exploring their sexuality, but they're also reclaiming the narrative that has prevented them from embracing promiscuity for centuries. 

For example, according to a 2010 national survey, approximately one in 100 ( 0.9 per cent) Indian men reported past-year commercial sex worker (CSW) contact; over half of such men reported inconsistent condom use with CSWs. And, CSW contact was most common among men aged 15-24 (3.6 per cent) and never-married men (9.9 per cent). 

Meanwhile, there's no data available about women soliciting sex from gigolos. So while there's a significant gender difference in having paid for sex, there isn't a gender difference, seemingly, when it comes to having been paid for it. It's also possible that the number of women who have paid for sex before is higher than any study could suggest because women may be more reluctant to report this behaviour than men, given its taboo nature.

Making new rules

New Delhi-based Sreemoyi's (name changed) first encounter with a sex worker was when she suggested to her husband that they engage in cuckold sex. "My husband and I share a loving marriage—always enjoying meals out, weekends away, and holidays together. But as far as sexual fulfillment goes, I find satisfaction in the companionship of younger, well-endowed partners, which provides the pleasure I desire," she says. 

When she's in the mood, Sreemoyi appreciates an intense and passionate experience, often involving a strong, physical connection. These moments typically involve her leaning over the bed from behind, wearing high heels.

"Our preference leans towards engaging with gigolos, as it tends to simplify matters in the long run. Many have expressed that engaging in such encounters is an exciting and arousing experience, adding to the thrill of intimate connections. While I share a physical connection with these individuals (I have two regulars), my emotional connection with them is distinct from my deep affection for my husband," she says. 

Setting the pace

Cuckolding is usually considered a male-driven fantasy. In most cases, the men first bring the idea of cuckolding to their female partners. And, while for many, cuckolding remains an exciting but unattainable fantasy, some couples manage to put it into practice.

Therapist and life coach Asha Saxena says most couples who practice cuckolding have been together for a long time, often for 10 years or longer. "For them, cuckolding breathes new and exciting life into a relationship that, while loving and committed, may feel a bit boring and stale. The voyeuristic and taboo nature of cuckolding, combined with kink and BDSM for some couples, can open endless possibilities for exciting, titillating and highly satisfying sexual experiences.

Saxena also says there's a biological response that plays out here, one that affects male sexual drive. After watching their wife with another man, the husband is prompted biologically to have longer, more vigorous sex, has a shorter refractory period between erections, ejaculates harder, and his ejaculate contains more sperm. "Women's sexual capacity is far greater than that of males. As per research, the world record for male orgasms is about 16 in 24 hours, and women have documented as many as 60-65 orgasms in a single hour. I have counselled many men who reported that their wives were highly sexual beings with a greater sexual capacity, and it simply turned the husbands on and pleased them to be able to see their wives sexually satisfied, to a degree that their husbands couldn't match. Also, by being a part of the act, the husband gets to vicariously experience what it's like to have that greater sexual capacity, identifying deeply with his wife and the essence of female sexuality in a way that most men never experience," she says.

Throwback times

When American sexologist Alfred Kinsey did his pioneering research on human sexuality in the 1940s and 50s, he found that around 69 per cent of the men he surveyed had paid for sex before. Back then, it was common for men to pay for sex for their first experience because sexual attitudes were very different. You didn't have hook-up culture and casual sex in the same way in the 1940s that you do now. So people's motivations and reasons for seeing sex workers have changed over time. It has become less common for people to have their first sexual experience that way. 

Women are tired

For most women, online dating has evolved into a dialogue marked by repetitive conversations, partial truths, and mundane real-time interactions. And while some believe paid sex has given them agency over the kind of sex they have, others pay for companionship and an emotional connection because of the men who provide sexual services; most also offer stimulating conversations. 

In most cases, too, women never feel like their pleasure has been a priority. It is always about giving pleasure to others. And so buying sex can sort of flip the script on that, making it all about them and their pleasure. So sometimes, it is just about that pure pleasure motive, says Saxena. "And then also not feeling guilty about it because there's not all of the relationship history and emotional entanglement, so I think, in some ways, it is often about that sort of pleasure-seeking angle. But it also goes back to this history of trauma of bad sex. And seeing a sex worker can be therapeutic in some ways—it's a safe way to work through that trauma with an understanding partner who will be there to give you what you need. So a therapeutic motive can also play a role in some cases," she says. 

The switch

Mumbai-based techie Swarnali (name changed) has been paying for sex once a year for several years. "I'm mostly happy with my husband, but he's never been able to bring me to climax during intercourse. Usually, we have sex, and after he's climaxed, he will finger me to my orgasm. It's okay but not exciting," she says.

Swarnali was in New Delhi for an annual business conference in 2017 when she wanted sex outside of marriage. "I decided to cheat on my husband for the first time in our marriage, so I went down to a cocktail lounge and hung out until a guy hit on me, and I took him to my room. It was exciting, and I felt attractive and desired, but the sex was disappointing. He was good at foreplay, and I was aroused, but he was an inept lover," she says, adding: "So the next day, I went online and found an escort service that had men. The gigolo assigned to me was even more handsome in person. I was a little nervous, but he took charge of things and five minutes after he entered my room, we were in bed naked, and he was fucking me. I had sex with a few guys in college who were good at sex, but none were  husband material. This guy was completely attuned to my needs and brought me along. I knew that he was going to satisfy me," she says.

What made him really a great fuck was that he teased her, Swarnali tells The Established. "He brought me close, slowed things down, and left me frustrated but not irritated. I wanted more, and he gave it to me. When I returned for the conference the following year, I hired him again," she says. 

For Swarnali, having intercourse with a sex worker is a safer alternative because no strings are attached. She believes it gets messy when hooking up with a man you happen to meet otherwise because most of them become clingy and violent, at times, when things don't go their way.

If a woman has an orgasm, it's a bonus. While for men, sex is defined by penetration to orgasm, for women, asking about sexual pleasure in a relationship is often tricky. They don't want to say they're faking orgasms (and they have been for years.) 

Providing pleasure

There's so much diversity in such sexual experiences. But when most people think about the sale of sex, they think about meeting up in a hotel room and getting right to business; however there's no standard script here. Sometimes there's dinner involved to make it look more like a date. Some women even take their gigolo on vacation. Mumbai-based Manish (name changed) has been a gigolo for about five years. He's bisexual and beds both men and women but tells The Established that female clients are few and far between. "Most Indian women are scared to engage in paid sex because safety is a big concern. I don't blame them. Given how unsafe the country is for women, inviting a stranger for intercourse is daunting," he says. 

But easing a client into a sexual act begins with creating a safe space to express their desires. Messages are usually exchanged over Telegram, and services are listed on certain groups on the app. "I try to keep the conversation light and fun to make my clients feel like they're chatting with a friend. After breaking the ice, I allow my client to set the pace for the meeting. I offer her options like a place to meet, to make her feel I'm invested too. I also get flowers along to make it feel organic. I usually make the first move, with their permission, before I go all in," he says.

While most women give in immediately, there have been instances when a client has pulled out of the arrangement. "I had a client tell me she couldn't go through with it because the act would leave her feeling guilty. All she wanted to do then was get back home to her kids," he says. 

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