Dirty talk is sensual, only if done right. Here’s what you should know

While dirty talk can make you shed your inhibitions and can be arousing, ensuring communication and consent is fundamental

For 29-year-old Gargi Saraswat, a Mumbai-based event management professional, vocalising her sexual fantasies has always been as important as emotional expression. Her partner of five years, Saksham, also believes in discussing issues about their sexual wellness with intent and alacrity. With mutual consent, the duo has been experimenting with various sexual positions in the bedroom. 

“Communication is the cornerstone of every relationship—it also applies to the sexual dynamic with your partner. Saksham and I make it a point to ask each other what we want, often leaning on vocabulary loaded with sexual innuendos, allowing instant arousal. This, in turn, translates into our chemistry in the bedroom,” says Saraswat, adding that she particularly enjoys using call-to-actions like ‘biting’ or ‘sucking’ to make sex exciting. 

Dirty talk can be incredibly arousing with a partner with whom consent and mutual respect are already well-established, believes Leeza Mangaldas, a sex-positive content creator and author of The Sex Book. 

“Erotic communication can enhance sexual arousal and pleasure. Some people may enjoy dirty talking because it’s an expression of uninhibitedness. Being able to say things to each other that you wouldn’t be able to say out loud anywhere else can be  titillating,” she says, adding: “It may also feel like a marker of how close and vulnerable you can be with each other. The fact that you can trust each other enough to explore your more sexually adventurous side together can be thrilling. For some, dirty talk may also feel enjoyably over-the-top and humourous, providing  moments of lightness and laughter.”

But is dirty talk for everyone? 

For some, dirty talk may not be  enjoyable, with reasons varying from abuse to sexual trauma, or a lack of  boundaries as a child or  adult, says Ruchi Ruuh, a New Delhi-based relationship counsellor. 

“There are people who don’t feel comfortable with the idea of dirty talk  as it may bring up feelings of shame. Couples may also have differing sexual needs–one may enjoy dirty talk, while the other may find it annoying or humiliating,” she adds.  

Ruuh recalls how one of her clients would feel repulsed by her partner’s attempts to talk dirty to her, so much so that she began avoiding sex with him. Ruuh soon realised that the woman grew averse to certain words and phrases. Fixing that altered their dynamic completely.

That’s not all–there may be instances where individuals may despise dirty talk, especially if their partner uses vernacular language. Pallavi Barnwal, intimacy coach and sex educator, explains, “Some cuss words in a vernacular language  may sound intimidating. Unfortunately, Hindi expletives are directed towards insulting women, which is why it may be off-putting to a lot of women.”

Boundaries are key 

Barnwal believes that if dirty talk doesn't work for you, don't feel pressured to indulge in it. It doesn't make one selfish, she says. “Trying out new things and stepping out of your comfort zone can be fun, but that doesn’t dismiss the need for personal safety. It is important to understand what works well for you, and what does not,” she adds. 

Silva Neves, an accredited sex therapist, defines a boundary as “a line between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in relationships with others, with romantic and sexual partners and with friends, family members and peers.”

Everyone’s sexual preferences and boundaries are different, which is why it's imperative to communicate what you are comfortable with, before trying it out during sex, advises Mangaldas. “If you are curious to try dirty talk with your partner in bed, be sure to discuss it beforehand. Consent and communication are prerequisites for pleasure,” she says. 

The right way to dirty talk 

Dirty talking is an art. As Barnwal says, “You can't paint a masterpiece while suppressing your inner emotions and feelings. Your painting is a reflection of how you feel internally. Be in tune with your emotions, and while your partner is your muse, be aware that you don’t hurt your subject.”

Barnwal recommends starting with light and saucy communication, so that partners have enough time to match up to the tempo. It is important not to imitate porn, because it doesn’t portray dirty talking correctly. 

Ruuh, too, has some great advice. A lot of people may feel awkward in saying explicit things in person, but typing it out could help them shed their inhibitions. It is also a good idea for couples to read some erotica alone or together to cultivate a sense of openness in their relationship.  

“Always start small –for instance,  introduce compliments, erotica and sexting in your relationship to establish trust. Don't assume; always ask at every step,” Ruuh concludes, adding that keep checking in with your partner as you go along to ensure they are as comfortable with your approach. 

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