Is casual sex great or a fast track to guilt?

Hooking up can feel great, but it does come with a downside: working through complex emotions

For 29-year-old IT professional Karlos, time is always of the essence. He jumpstarts his day with an intensive workout, works a nine-hour shift that ends at 10.30 pm, and preps and cooks a satisfying meal aligned with his fitness goals once he comes home. In between, almost every alternate day, he fits in a hook-up to “blow off some steam” and admits that while the sex is good most times, there will inevitably be that one-off occasion that leaves him feeling guilty post-coitus. 

“It angers me when the sex isn’t good. It feels like I’ve wasted precious hours that I could have ideally invested in watching a Netflix show or getting extra sleep. For a while now, I’ve been playing catch up to enjoy as many sexual experiences as possible. Why? Because I embraced my sexuality pretty late in life and immediately jumped into a relationship with a man seven years older than me. I didn’t get to experiment sexually with him, so I’m always looking for a great hook-up. Unfortunately, I feel guilty when intercourse doesn’t match up to set expectations,” he says.

While casual sex can be great, is it all it’s cracked up to be? For some people, it is, while for others, it’s a fast track to guilt, complex emotions, sadness, heart palpations, and even pain. Yep, if you’ve ever caught the feels after sleeping with someone regularly, you know what we mean.

The unspoken rules

It’s not rare for that to happen, says Delhi-based life coach Asha Saxena. “Women release oxytocin, a bonding hormone, during intercourse (and particularly when they orgasm). Most often, it’s hard for them not to feel a little attached,” she says. “Also, the more physical time you spend with someone, the more you’re likely to learn and get to know them personally.”

For Myra, who wishes to remain anonymous, the long-drawn hooking-up-with-my-ex period made her believe she was cut out for casual sex. “I moved on to engage in casual sex with others but would still end up chasing the breadcrumbs from my ex. It made me feel less than enough and far from alone. Casual sex is great if you know you can remain detached. I’m not one of them. And being in a healthy relationship now convinces me that it’s not something I would probably indulge in again,” she says. 

Content editor Vinay Agrawal says being in the correct headspace before jumping into the casual sex pool is vital. Otherwise, he opines, “it can make you feel like shit later. You’re not always going to hit it off sexually with a stranger. There’s a high probability you won’t even want to go the distance once you’re in the same room as them. I don’t think it works anymore because I value an emotional connection.”

It is natural to go through complex emotions after intercourse—especially those referred to as post-coital dysphoria when you get sad or irritable after consensual sex. The euphoric rush and sudden comedown that follows sexual pleasure should be addressed. This is where aftercare comes in. Primarily associated with the kink community—namely, those who practice BDSM—the term applies to everyone who engages in sexual relations. 

Time management coach Susan Coelho believes mental decompression activities like exercising, taking a walk, watching TV, scrolling social media, taking a nap, reading, talking to a friend, listening to music, or even just staring at a wall can help transfer the negative feelings associated with casual sex to take the edge off. 

“It’s hard to make sense of a bad day, but processing it is essential. This applies to negative emotions associated with casual sex too. Write out your thoughts, or think through what happened, what you learned from the situation, what you could have done differently, and how to move forward from here. If you like to process things yourself, your commute back home could be a perfect time to be silent and think through everything,” she says. 

Relationship expert Shahzeen Shivdasani says setting boundaries for yourself is crucial. “If you feel uncomfortable engaging in casual sex, don’t do it. Nothing is more important than your mental health. If it takes an adverse toll, you know it’s not for you.”

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