From self-pleasure to navigating a sexless marriage, we get intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal to answer your questions
Constrained by societal stigmas, for most of us, sex education in school would perhaps evoke embarrassment, ridden by the fear of being judged if we asked certain questions. Today, however, even though conversations around understanding our bodies, intimacy and sex don’t occur often, social media is slowly changing that, as more and more experts are making ‘influencing’ on social media a sidegig to educate a larger audience. We asked six women—married, with children, with a partner and single—to submit the first question that came to their minds when speaking to an expert. Pallavi Barnwal, intimacy coach, Tedx speaker and social media influencer, answers them for us.
/established/media/post_attachments/theestablished/2023-03/558465a5-0265-4377-bbc9-2ac4b47d8ec7/pexels_nataliya_vaitkevich_5187882_copy.jpg)
Self-pleasure is making love to yourself. How can touching your body be wrong? Image: Pexels
Can you tell me about female masturbation—how it works, what to keep in mind and how much is too much?
Witnessing a stranger fondling his genitals on the road wasn’t an uncommon sight for girls growing up in India. At an impressionable age, if that’s what we saw, it is unlikely to arouse curiosity in the sensual being of a woman. Then there is the social diktat to be a good girl. A common reason I get for a woman to not masturbate is ‘because it's dirty’. Sometimes these beliefs are so deeply ingrained in us that we don’t even question them. But why masturbate at all? Firstly, let’s call it 'self-pleasuring'. Self-pleasure is making love to yourself. How can touching your body be wrong? To indulge in mindful self-pleasure, first, create a space where you can take time off for yourself and connect to the pleasure inherent in your body. Play some music you vibe with, stack pillows behind you so that you’re reclining. Pay particular attention to your breasts. Our breasts have been sexualised a lot and are caged behind bras. Caress and feel your curves—your neckline, belly, waist, hips, thighs. Take the time to connect to your whole body before descending to genital stimulation.
When you feel ready, cup your vulva with one hand and leave it there for a while. In this way you are taking time to connect with your genitals unlike the porn images that ask you to quickly stimulate your genitals. Now you can gently explore your vulva through touch, stroking your lips and clitoris with your fingers and full palm, exploring the edges of your vagina a little.
Explore different speed, rhythms, strokes, and pressure. You will notice how touch at different local tions has different sensations.Use your hand to hold your lips apart, dip your fingers in your vagina, or gently squeeze your nipples. You’ll notice I’ve used the word ‘explore’ a lot because you are exploring your body. There’s no right or wrong. The more you know your body, the better you’ll know what works for you and the better your sex life will be.
Pallavi Barnwal is an intimacy coach, Tedx speaker and social media influencer
/established/media/post_attachments/theestablished/2023-03/5436ce8e-4a57-43b6-a80d-4c4894353c50/michael_prewett_CrbI6xF1vtA_unsplash_copy.jpg)
To find the g-spot, you want to insert a finger or have your partner insert their finger and make like a ‘come here’ motion so they're rubbing against the top of your vaginal canal. Image: Pexels
Do women ejaculate as easily as men?
Squirting is quite simply the expulsion of fluid out of a woman's urethra. A lot of women are embarrassed about it, but with more sex-positive conversations, many also want to know more. The most important thing to know is that it is not urine—the fluid comes from the skene's glands and passes through the urethra, so there are tiny traces of urine in it. But it's not urine itself. When approaching squirting as the partner of someone who could potentially be able to squirt, or someone who would want to explore squirting, do not build up the pressure—squirting doesn't happen on command, it also doesn't happen for everyone. It’s important to relax as it can be a strange sensation—it can feel a bit like peeing, so you need to get yourself in a good headspace. Doing pelvic floor exercises like kegels can help and you're definitely going to want to focus on the g-spot. To find the g-spot, you want to insert a finger or have your partner insert their finger and make like a ‘come here’ motion so they're rubbing against the top of your vaginal canal. But remember, squirting is something that may or may not happen, and that’s okay.
/established/media/post_attachments/theestablished/2023-03/bac0a58a-e71e-4cd0-95ec-d5e6d00503f0/pexels_anna_shvets_5218027_copy.jpg)
Adopt safe sex practices, get a thorough STI checkup done every year and a new test before you get a new partner. This way, you and your partner(s) can stay safe. Image: Pexels
How do I stay infection-free?
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) are contagious – they can be transmitted through sexual contact, can have a variety of symptoms or no symptoms at all. For example, syphilis can have no symptoms. It can start with a round, painless sore on genitals or mouth that can last between 3-6 weeks. If not treated at that stage, you can get rashes on feet and palms, body ache, sore throat, fever, and eventually it can progress to blindness, paralysis and damage of the nervous system if not treated in time. Another common STI in India is chlamydia, a silent infection that can have dangerous complications in the long run, if untreated. There are 1.1 billion people in the world who have STIs other than HIV. Some STIs are as common as the common cold but the stigma attached to them makes them unspeakable. Don’t judge people or yourself if you or they catch an STI. Adopt safe sex practices, get a thorough STI checkup done every year and a new test before you get a new partner. This way, you and your partner(s) can stay safe.
Can sex therapy help me explore my fantasy?
Sex is a combination of all our senses—seeing, smelling, touching—it brings together our thoughts and imagination, and fantasy and imagination are the fundamental elements of an enjoyable, healthy sex life. Exploration of your fantasies will help you know about things that enhance your arousal and pleasure. There are a lot of people who have sex but not many have an erotic, intimate bond. Most people allow themselves the limited pleasure that a mechanical act of sex provides because of the way society has framed our sexual development and expression. Erotic intimacy is the revelation and expression of the many parts of us through the language of sex. You get to show your impulsiveness, creativity, playfulness, passion, your exploratory self that experiments—so many parts of you that are personal, subtle and sensitive.
/established/media/post_attachments/theestablished/2023-03/c7e19235-a1e8-4aa5-b3ed-76c6d172758c/pexels_anna_shvets_5187493_copy.jpg)
Erotic intimacy is the revelation and expression of the many parts of us through the language of sex. Image: Pexels
/established/media/post_attachments/theestablished/2023-03/ec922cd3-88bf-4c72-a7b9-e306fe8dfcb9/pexels_anna_shvets_5187255_copy.jpg)
Sexual desire thrives as much on unpredictability and adventure as security and calmness. Image: Pexels
How do I increase my libido?
You need to throw away this idea of needing to rev up for sex, and focus instead on the ‘slow build’. We tend to think that sex has to be hot, passionate, and intense to be good. Surely, there are times when it is so, but to expect it to be that intense across all points and phases in life is unrealistic and likely to result in pretending, and performing than really connecting. Plus, this kind of passionate sex keeps your nervous system overly up-regulated and that is not sustainable. Get your rest and digest the parasympathetic nervous system into gear, the one that kicks in when you’re safe and relaxed, allowing your mind and your body to soften and open up. Both men and women need their parasympathetic nervous systems activated for arousal. If you’re stuck in an up-regulated, switched-on state in your head or stressed-out, it leads to fight-or-flight sympathetic nervous system arousal. It is not a remedy for sex drive. You cannot be sexually desirous or functioning if you are under stress. But sexual desire thrives as much on unpredictability and adventure as security and calmness. What you need for sexual desire is getting in a state of ‘active relaxation’— a balance between the up-regulated sympathetic and down-regulated parasympathetic mode, where your bodies are relaxed, your mind is calm, you have a connection and where desire can grow.
/established/media/post_attachments/theestablished/2023-03/95580f8a-cde7-482c-93cc-236fb7d8e6f7/pexels_anna_shvets_5187590_copy.jpg)
Exploration of your fantasies will help you know about things that enhance your arousal and pleasure. Image: Pexels
/established/media/post_attachments/theestablished/2023-03/dbb5510b-ac05-4448-a810-7971a768475c/the_blowup_6OmweW3iy_s_unsplash.jpg)
Sex is important for connection between partners, healthand self-esteem. Image: Pexels
How do I navigate a sexless marriage?
Research says that about one in five marriages is a sexless marriage. The core of the problem is people don’t value sex. Sex is important for connection between partners, health, self-esteem, relaxed mind and more, yet for some the desire to have sex doesn’t arise. The human brain also works on reverse motivation—once you know something is important, desire fuels up rather than desire fueling the importance. We live in a society where sex education is limited to education about reproduction, not pleasure. No one teaches us about lovemaking. This missing gap is filled with what we see in movies and porn that further create unrealistic expectations and sexual standards. Sexual desire and sex doesn’t take much effort but it may require a little creativity. You don’t need to be in the mood to have sex. Often, sexual arousal will kick in once you get going but most people wait mentally to get ready for sex—once your body feels stimulated, the mind will follow. Every person goes through lulls. Many people come home from a stressful job and scroll on social media or work after hours. If you want to improve your sex life, you may need to limit your screen time or change your priorities. Societal norms also have us believe that we need to be young in order to have plenty of leisure time to have good sex and most parents and couples married for a few years think they don’t meet this criteria. We are intrinsically sexual beings and our sexuality is as natural as breathing and eating. I know women who have become sexually active and fulfilled in their 40s and 50s after a divorce or death of their partner. A lot of sexual dysfunction comes from the belief that sex is simply a ‘specific state’ that one has to match or else one fails. The lack of skill in the male partner could also be the reason for sexless marriage in heterosexual relationships. The man learns sex from porn, attempts it on a passive female who thinks sex is all about the man leading and woman following. If a woman is not feeling empowered and supported in her relationship and she’s not being proactive and creative in her lovemaking, she will not have a good time and have trouble with arousal.
Also Read: Mindfulness in sex has mind-blowing results
Also Read: Ready to get your sex life back after having kids? We tell you how
Also Read: Dirty talk is sensual, only if done right. Here’s what you should know