Ready to get your sex life back after having kids? We tell you how

From mutual masturbation to delayed gratification–sex after kids can turn into a beautiful and adventurous journey of self-exploration

Disclaimer: This story isn’t going to be about new sex positions to try or how to get into the mood for sexy time.

Often enough, for a couple, once children come into the picture, intimacy can go for a toss, and sex can slip to the bottom of the priority list. Between dealing with all the good and the bad that comes with parenthood (especially for new moms) it’s easy to forget the joys of connecting with our partners. Having children need not equal to a sex-starved marriage, and neither is sex a chore to be ticked off a to-do list. It requires nurturing and work. From adding sex toys in the mix to edging–we share a few tried-and-tested tips that will help bring back the intimacy and the many orgasms you once shared with your partner.

First things first

If you’ve identified a gap in your sex life after having children, acknowledging it is a good start. Being complacent serves no purpose, especially if you and your partner were very active in the bedroom in the past. “I always say to people, the first thing to do is to open your mind to it–to open those channels in your brain and say, you know what, pleasure is a good thing. I'm going to enjoy it, I'm going to love it. It's going to make me feel good. It has to start with that. So if anybody's looking to revitalise their sex life, you have to start with the brain,” says author, mythologist and sexual health educator Seema Anand. Next would be to communicate with your partner and taking the steps needed to get it started–be it scheduled sex (as unsexy as it sounds) or little cuddling, light touching and rediscovering what turns each other on.

Touch yourself

One way to reconnect with your own body is to make time to masturbate. “Touching yourself is dropping into your body again. If you are not in touch with your own body, how can you share that with someone? When you masturbate, you’re loving yourself–you’re giving that lovely experience which, in turn, may spark something in you to be intimate with someone else,” explains Dr Alaokika Motwane, a psychologist and psychotherapist based out of Mumbai and Goa. According to her, masturbation also works as a stress releaser by releasing a happy hormone called oxytocin.

Having said that, in a country where women are often not viewed as sexual beings, there’s not only a stigma around female masturbation, but many don’t know how to do it. A simple way to start would be to squeeze your thighs together. “You need to consciously give enough time to pleasure yourself and make sure you’re comfortable. Then, lay down on your stomach and think of something you really like the idea of and squeeze your thighs together. When that orgasm rises, pump your hips and let them thrust–it’s a great starting point and it’s really effective,” says Anand. “If you want to masturbate against your breasts, the idea is to sensitise them. So touch your nipples with the lightest touch, just graze them, then increase the sensation and put vibrator against them so it gets you going,” she adds. Additionally, she recommends listening to podcasts for guided masturbation if you’re new to it.

Mutual masturbation

Once you’ve mastered the art of solo play, it’s worth heightening that pleasure by adding your partner in the mix. Mutual masturbation works as a shared form of self-exploration and can be very empowering. For those who feel vulnerable about engaging in such a personal act in front of their partner, discussing it beforehand will make it a lot easier. “Typically you don't touch yourself in front of another person, but if you and your partner are both comfortable with it and have discussed that you’d like to do that, I think it can be a really wonderful and helpful way of showing each other, what works for you or even discovering together what works for you,” explains Leeza Mangaldas, a sex-positive content creator. “Mutual masturbation is a beautiful way for partners to show each other how they like to be touched; I mean, it can be such an intimate thing to do,” she adds.

Make it last

The kids are asleep, the daily chores are done and you’ve decided to get intimate. Don’t jump straight to penetrative sex–take this time to build up the arousal and have fun with it. ‘Dry humping,’ or rather ‘outercourse,’ which involves rubbing your genitals against each other (with clothes or underwear on) can be excellent foreplay. Whether it’s in missionary style or has you rubbing your clitoris against his knee, there are plenty of positions to experiment with. “I think if we look back on our early sexual experiences, they probably involve some amount of outercourse. Just switching things up and looking at new ways to experience your own body, your partner’s and discovering ways that you used to use–it’s like adult playtime,” elaborates Mangaldas.

She also talks about ‘edging,’a practice that involves stopping an orgasm right when you’re plateauing. “I think it can be quite enjoyable to really build up your arousal and deliberately pause as you feel yourself approaching an orgasm, then continue, and pause again– you are delaying climax in order to build up to a very intense climax as well as enjoy yourselves together for longer.”

Sex toys

While sex toys are fantastic for masturbation, they also work beautifully with couple sex. “One of the fears that people have is that sex toys are for lonesome people and if they have a partner, they don't need them,” says Anand, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. When we do things a certain way for long enough, it tends to get repetitive and predictable–sex gadgets add variety and opens the mind to exploring new sexual realms. “To penetrate, the body has to be in a certain physical position because of the genitals. Whereas if your partner is using the sex toy on you, it’s absolutely incredible because you can put yourself into different areas into your partner's arms and be wrapped around each other in ways which you can't do when penetrated,” says Anand. She also thinks it’s a good way to pleasure each other when either of the partners is tired–it takes the stress off. If you’re apprehensive about introducing them to your partner, talk about it beforehand and maybe even try shopping for them together–it works as a great bonding experience.

While there is no one-size-fits-all formula in getting your mojo back, simply opening a channel of communication can work wonders. Once you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to rejuvenating your sex life, the ways you can experiment are plenty. You just have to want it.

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