Should you really be sharing your sex life with friends?

“How’s your sex life?” might sound like a casual question in chatter among friends. But is having this discussion a healthy practice? 

With painfully doltish monikers like “pizza” in Imran Khan and Kareena Kapoor Khan’s 2012 release Ekk Main Aur Ek Tu to “burpees” in Ananya Panday’s latest show Call Me Bae, stating the word “sex” out loud still raises eyebrows, which is why talking about it equals to walking a fine line. However, there’s that one friend who knows it all, from our teenage flings to serious relationships, our sex lives included. But, where do we draw the line between casual innuendo and TMI? 

“In India, where conversations about sex are often shrouded in secrecy, the idea of discussing your sex life with friends can feel both liberating and daunting,” says Shivani Chamarty, a therapist at The Mood Space. While “How’s your sex life?” has become a casual question among friends, has oversharing become the unofficial currency of friendship? And is there such a thing as going too far?

Is discussing your sex life with friends a good or bad thing?

Popular culture (Sex and The City, for instance) will have you think that modern-day friendships revolve around dissecting our love lives and bad dates, but even Carrie and crew had their fair share of drama when differing opinions on matters of sex and relationships clashed. “An individual’s outlook on sex is an amalgam of several things—where they grew up, their value systems, the experiences they’ve had, and the behavioural norms they subscribe to. Therefore, even though you are friends with someone, you may have completely different opinions and reactions to sexual content,” explains sexologist Kaamna Bhojwani. “There’s nothing worse than asking for advice, and getting shamed instead.” For instance, in the film Lipstick Under My Burkha (2016), we see Ratna Pathak Shah’s character being rebuked for making sex-positive choices in her old age.

According to relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh, if there’s a lack of trust between the partners, “sharing such intimate details can lead to gossip, jealousy, unsolicited advice, comparison, or even insecurity from your friends.” She also warns about the possibility of things getting messy—sometimes people can get carried away, sharing more than what the listener consented to, or is comfortable with, ultimately creating prejudiced opinions or distress in the friendship, or both.  

However, when friendships are judgement-free zones, discussing your sex life can be comforting, points out Bhojwani. “Two friends don’t have to have the same beliefs to respect one another’s paths; they could be different in their approaches towards sex and yet support one another.” Many people seek counsel from their friends to process something specific they may have experienced, including both pleasant and awkward moments, cites Ruuh. “These discussions can give a fresh perspective on something you might be dealing with in isolation. Especially if it’s a case of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, or psychological) and there is confusion regarding what happened,” she adds. 

Considering the many loopholes in sex education in our country, turning to a trusted friend can, more often than not, feel both liberating and empowering. We see this play out in mainstream films and TV shows such as Sex Education, Thank You For Coming, Margarita With A Straw, and Class, where portrayals ofno-filter conversations about sex make it easier for people to open up to their friends. 

“As you take charge of your sexuality and talk about it without hesitation, it can help break the taboos around sex [and sexuality],” believes Ruuh. “It can help people see and understand diverse needs and desires in sex. Talking about sex in a safe space can normalise kinks, fetishes, and other desires, making you feel more self-assured and empowered.” 

Why conversations with friends can’t replace (sex) therapy

Sex without sex education is as good as mathematics without numbers—futile. Since sex-ed isn’t as ubiquitous as it should be, we often resort to friends and peers to discuss sex—first from a place of curiosity, and varied experiences later on in life. However, it cannot pose as a substitute for sex education or sex therapy by a certified expert. 

WFriends can lend comfort and context, but therapists provide scientifically backed methods to overcome sexual impediments, whether physical or emotional, says Bhojwani. “Therapists have been taught to be objective whereas a friend may bring too much of themself into the conversation. Therapists have an ethical code of conduct to ensure you’re safe and protected.” Chamarty points out that the perpetuation of misinformation is always a risk. “Friends can share real-life insights that formal education might miss in areas like consent, pleasure, and emotional intimacy. However, these discussions can also produce myths. It is then important to supplement them with reliable, evidence-based information.” 

Mental health coach Anandita Vaghani highlights that a sex therapist or counsellor’s guidance becomes non-negotiable when dealing with complex struggles. “Sex therapy offers professional expertise and a confidential space to address issues like sexual dysfunction, intimacy concerns, and underlying psychological factors, which friends may not be equipped to handle.” Furthermore, “If you are talking about an act of kink and your friend has never experienced it, they might look down upon it, and your conversation with them might make you feel more ashamed, confused, and under-confident,” says Ruuh. While there is  a place for both, being self-aware is important.

The do’s and don’ts of sex talk with friends

The most crucial precursor to disclosing any details about your sex life to a friend has to be your partner’s complete consent. “Discuss mutual comfort levels regarding what can be shared with a friend or anyone else. Setting boundaries is important, even if you’re seeking advice, to ensure that no one feels violated,” recommends Shahzeen Shivdasani, relationship expert and author of Love, Lust and Lemons. “Some may not feel comfortable because it could make them vulnerable in front of another person. Clarify your intentions behind sharing: are you seeking emotional support, gaining perspective, or simply wanting to share an interesting experience?” advises Ruuh. “If your partner is still uncomfortable, it’s important to respect their wishes. If boundaries are crossed, your partner may begin to distrust you, potentially harming the relationship.”

It is equally important to protect the confines of your friendship and strike the right balance between sharing too much and sharing what is considered  acceptable information. “Some friends want all the details while others are content to avoid the topic altogether. You don’t want to make someone so uncomfortable that they withdraw from the friendship. And if someone does try to set boundaries, don’t take it personally. Sexual conversations, even those involving humour, are not for everyone,” says Bhojwani. She also recommends questioning oneself about how your partner would feel if they knew that others were privy to this information. “Let that be your bar.”  

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