Beyond the caretaker: Indian women are owning midlife—and their desire

No longer constricted by societal shaming or expectations, women in urban India are embracing midlife shifts unapologetically through unlearning, introspection, and a reclaiming of financial and sexual agency

The term ‘midlife crisis’ was introduced by psychoanalyst and social scientist Elliott Jaques in 1965 to describe a phase of significant personal reassessment that traditionally begins at the age of 45. However, research from the National Institute on Aging now indicates that this stage often sees its beginnings at 35. While popular depictions focused on men involve them acquiring sports cards, running marathons, or dating someone comparatively younger, the experience for women, particularly in urban India, diverges significantly. 

German psychoanalyst Erik Erikson described midlife crisis as a critical period in adult development, a time for asking: ‘Can I make my life count?’  For women, this often involves a reflective search for their identity beyond their roles in the family, as outlined in a study from 2020 titled The Midlife Crisis-“Her” Experienceby Dr Manini Srivastava and Swati Rawat. Unlike the dramatic external transformations seen in men, midlife transitions among women tend to focus on internal growth and empowerment.  

“A rediscovery sets in when you accept that no knight in shining armour is coming to save you. So, if you want to live your best life, you’ve got to make it happen [yourself],” says Trina Datta, 36, a senior associate at non-governmental organisation Evidence Action. For women, the narrative is less about reversing time and more about embracing a maturing identity with independence and agency. 

Actor Tillotama Shome, who often plays characters that channel the female gaze and sexuality, explains it as entering a zone of societal disinterest. “I see us as women in our prime—grateful and exhausted. A surge in creativity is directly proportional to the drop in one's reproductive capability. Furious and overwhelmed with nightmarish, bone-deep worry about money. Caregivers for our parents, and professionals who just found a foothold in their career,” says the actor, who will soon turn producer with Shadowbox (Baksho Bondi in Bengali). Making its world premiere at the Berlin Film Festival this year, the film is set in a quiet Kolkata suburb, where Maya (Shome) struggles to keep her family together after her husband, an ex-soldier suffering from PTSD, is accused of murder.

Navigating the Catalysts of Midlife Transformation 

As urban Indian women delve deeper into self-discovery and identity formation, perimenopause emerges as a critical yet often overlooked catalyst in their midlife narratives. The hormonal shifts in the body during this phase—marked by fluctuating estrogen levels and declining levels of progesterone and testosterone—significantly impact sexual desire and overall well-being.

This biological transition, further compounded by long-standing societal challenges such as rejection and marginalisation, prompts women to reevaluate their priorities, even finally considering putting themselves first. Moreover, the silent struggles of perimenopause are often overlooked. This period of life sparks a critical shift in perspective among many women, as Nandita Banerjee, 45, discovered post-divorce. “You only figure [out] what you enjoy when you realise that you disliking something doesn’t mean something is wrong with you—you do away with the conditioned self-blame. Earlier, I didn’t ask for what I needed sexually. But, by your late 30s, you only have so much patience, time, and tolerance,” says Banerjee, who took time to date after her divorce at 41 because she wanted sex to be pleasurable. 

“For women, sex was seen as a duty to her husband. It’s only when you’re exposed to other people do you start introspecting about being conditioned a certain way. You need stability, time, and resources to look back, question, and unlearn things, which usually happens for women when they get to their 30s,” says Shambhobi Bagchi, who is pursuing her master’s in Society and Culture from IIT Gandhinagar. 

The desire for sexual autonomy often becomes a focal point in women’s midlife transitions, notes Chandni Tugnait, founder-director of Gateway of Healing. “This awakening represents more than physical desire—it's a fundamental reclaiming of personal power,” she explains. For many women, this shift could start with reading erotic literature, discussing intimacy with friends, or exploring their own bodies without shame.

Financial Freedom and Female Empowerment: A Midlife Shift

Financial independence plays a massive role in a woman’s freedom—sexual or otherwise. “You don’t have a voice unless you’re financially independent,” says Datta, who broke away from her job in the public health sector to embrace her passion for design, through a side hustle: running AirBnbs.  

With a hunger for travel and no husband to fund it, Datta began by converting a bedroom in her house when she was 31. Today, five years on, she’s done up 16 AirBnb spaces across Delhi-NCR. “I didn’t tap into my creative side until I figured out what works for me and what doesn’t, because girls are taught to be adaptable. Women find it difficult to ask for what makes them happy, and this trickles down to self-worth and then, sexual liberation,” says Datta, who is now the decision-maker in her family when it comes to finances, a role-reversal that often runs parallel with aging parents. “A woman’s agency is drastically limited if they don't have an income of their own or unrestricted access to the family-income pool. When you earn your own money, you can explore having a space of your own, which is liberating and helps you focus on your needs,” says Leeza Mangaldas, sex educator and content creator. “A woman’s sexual agency and the resultant empowerment is such a scarce commodity that it's the last thing she feels entitled to,” adds Mangaldas, who recalls her grandmother having to drop out of medical school to get married. “Today, I'm selling sex toys,” she shares, pointing out the radical evolution in her family within just three generations. 

“Sexual liberation coincides with the realisation that if women can take control of this personal aspect of their life, they can take control of anything. So, women become more assertive in professional settings, more selective about their relationships, and are comfortable setting boundaries,” says Tugnait. 

Redefining role models and sexual autonomy

Seeing older women like actor Neena Gupta owning their sexuality on the screen has enabled women to normalise a midlife sexual awakening, offering representation that was previously absent in most mainstream narratives. This shift has also made room for films like Girls Will be Girls (2024), which challenges conventional ideas of femininity and desire, portraying female sexuality without moral policing, melodrama, or being preachy. 

Similarly, Shome’s work in cinema has helped women feel less alone in normalising their sexuality—creating a sense of solidarity. For instance, one woman confessed she felt connected to her own desires after watching The Mirror—part of the anthology Lust Stories 2 (2023)—while another shared that she was in a loveless marriage. “I never thought my work would give me this kind of access to community building amongst women,” says Shome.  

Beyond representation in the media and in popular culture, the increasing normalisation of women’s pleasure—especially through the awareness around sex toys—has challenged the long held belief that  female pleasure is complicated, time-consuming, or involves a lot of  effort. “Sex was always penetration-centric and male-oriented. People buying sex toys for women shows that that’s changing,” says Mangaldas. 

A report from 2023 states that the sex toys market in India was estimated at around $112.45 million. According to data reported in The Times of India in 2020, the sale of sex toys and other adult products had grown by 65 per cent in the period after the pandemic-induced lockdown. 

The evolution of gaze: redefining women’s midlife identities 

This midlife sexual awakening reflects a broader shift in the way women’s identities are evolving in urban Indian society.  No longer solely restricted to the role of  the caretaker, women are questioning traditional expectations and reclaiming autonomy and agency over their lives. “There is a shift in conversation about shared responsibilities, but it’s not moving fast enough. Unpaid care work remains a burden on ambitious women even today,” says Rashee Mehra, a 37-year-old Delhi-based researcher whose work focuses on social movement and gender. “But you do have the confidence to be less rattled by familial and societal responsibilities due to experience, as societal expectations erode with age,” she adds. 

Shome highlights how this shift is generational. “An 'older woman' who is the first in her family to receive higher education, hold a leadership role, win recognition, gain substantial financial power, or articulate her sexual needs, is 'young' from an evolutionary perspective,” she says.  She points to the character essayed by Kani Kusruti in Girls Will be Girls—a mother and a sexual being, depicted without explanation or judgement—a rare yet significant representation of how midlife female identity is gradually changing in India. 

Yet, societal scrutiny persists, particularly for single women over the age of 35, with most conversations tending to fixate on their unmarried status. “But once the pressure of it weans off, you reach an oddly liberating place as you’re defiantly yourself,” says Datta. “Plus, in your mid-30s, no one expects you to be a virgin, so there’s no societal shaming for being a woman who wants pleasure,” she adds,  

The midlife stage isn’t a crisis or a mourning that the best of one’s life is over. It’s recalibration. “It’s a reckoning of what you’ve learned so far to ensure that the next years of your life are bullsh*t-free, and not curbed by systematic conditioning,” concludes Mangaldas.

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