A sorry state of affairs: why women can't stop apologising

Women tend to apologise more than men—a habit that is rooted in patriarchy, childhood conditioning, or observing other women do the same—often holding themselves back and impacting their sense of self in the process

Twenty-eight-year-old Mansi Goda grew up in Kolkata, often apologising for staying out late and even for wearing an outfit her mother thought was “inappropriate”. These are things her brother—three years younger—didn’t have to apologise for. Most recently, she apologised to a friend for having a meltdown in her presence as she felt it inconvenienced them. “The minute I feel I may have hurt someone or made them uncomfortable, I say ‘sorry’,” says the strategy consultant, who often puts other people’s feelings over her own. She was 17 when her friends pointed this out to her, and she realised she was primarily apologising to be polite and fit into a stereotype. 

Women offer more apologies than men, according to a 2010 study in Psychological Science titled Why Women Apologize More Than Men: Gender Differences in Thresholds for Perceiving Offensive Behaviorby Michael Ross. It states: “Men have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behaviour. Women might perceive more offenses because they are more focused on other people’s experiences and maintaining harmony in relationships. Women feel more guilty after committing transgressions.”

The deeply entrenched patriarchy in Indian society is one of the reasons why most women end up over-apologising, something Goda observed in her own family too. “My mom would apologise to dad immediately. His apologies were late and a means to mend bridges, and not because he realised his mistake,” she shares.

Goda’s teenage angst prompted her to rebel against the conditioning that women are expected to be soft-spoken, nice, and agreeable. “A woman cursing is considered worse than a man cursing. A woman believing she is right is in itself considered something to be apologetic about,” she adds.

Conditioned to be submissive

Such conditioning can begin with something as minor as having the daughter apologise to guests at home if there’s a delay in serving snacks, points out Parul Pratap, 48, an executive chef, entrepreneur, and mother to a Gen Z child. “Women are expected to ensure the menfolk are pacified via an apology. The girl isn’t just apologising for herself but also for her mother who’s in the kitchen (another patriarchal norm),” says Pratap.  “Women pay more attention to and worry about what’s appropriate and socially acceptable, than men do,” says Shambhobi Bagchi, who is pursuing her Masters in Society and Culture from IIT Gandhinagar. “Indian women are raised to be apologetic for having an opinion, which makes them second-guess themselves,” she says. 

Dr Chandni Tugnait, MD (A.M) psychotherapist and founder-director, Gateway of Healing, terms this a “finely-tuned social radar developed through years of cultural expectations”. She adds: “Men are groomed to be assertive and claim their territory, while women are expected to minimise their presence and impact. Basic actions like expressing their opinions are unconsciously viewed as privileges not rights, fostering a perpetual state of unspoken apology for their existence. ‘I'm sorry’ then becomes a linguistic tool to soften interactions and maintain harmony rather than a genuine admission of wrongdoing.”

“For  the longest time, voiceovers in advertisements were also by men because people don’t listen to what women are saying with the same interest, openness, and respect as they would a man. There are more men in positions of power, which brings an automatic idea of men having the habit of being in charge. Most spaces are designed to take what elite, upper caste men in power say seriously, not when the speaker is a woman or a lower caste man or a queer person,” says filmmaker and writer Paromita Vohra. 

Bollywood has, over the years, given us way too many apologetic women characters. For instance, Kajol had to go through a complete transformation (become demure and trade her athletic attire for sarees) to ‘attain’ the ‘love of her life’ in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998). Preity Zinta and Jaya Bachchan essayed characters that were extremely apologetic when the man of the house decided to end his life after his affair birthed an illegitimate child in Kal Ho Naa Ho (2003). Perhaps Kareena Kapoor's Poo in Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham (2001) was an empowering character, inspiring women to love themselves, especially at a time when being an unapologetic woman was close to impossible.  

The resultant power dynamics

Pop culture normalising demure damsels in distress had Gurugram-based lawyer-musician Ashwin Nayar convinced that women should be the ones to apologise. Today, the 33-year-old admits, “Until 10 years ago, I was a part of the problem. I passive aggressively made my partner feel bad for small things just to get an apology out of her and to massage my ego. It’s taken me years to realise where I was going wrong,” says Nayar

This gendered approach to apologising in India highlights a troubling power imbalance, points out Tugnait. “Men's approach reflects their privileged position in society—where saying sorry is optional. This reinforces existing power structures..” she adds. “A man will be applauded for apologising and won’t be expected to follow through with his actions after,” says Bagchi. This internalisation manifests itself as guilt when a woman has to make choices for herself, going against the conditioning of putting the community above herself.

The problem is exacerbated when men in power are unable to see women in powerful roles at the workplace. “They are uncomfortable working with women,” says Goda, who has heard feisty female managers being called “bitchy”. 

“Women have to appear competent yet non-threatening because female assertiveness is perceived as aggression, but male assertiveness is considered leadership. Capable women hesitate to negotiate salaries, challenge flawed strategies, or pursue ambitious projects. The inability to say ‘no’ leads to burnout, reinforcing stereotypes about women in leadership,” says Tuganit. 

Nayar has observed that most Indian men view working for a female boss as a hit to their masculinity and ego. These patterns show how society still views women's primary value through their ability to accommodate rather than achieve. Men, meanwhile, aren’t expected to be accommodating, causing an imbalance. “Men aren't taught to engage with the emotional impact of their actions or take responsibility for maintaining their relationship,” Dr Tugnait.

Anupama Kapoor, a Mumbai-based practitioner of Gender Equality and Social Inclusion, says that women being apologetic in public and private is a “part of the culture” across South-East Asia, adding, “There’s a reason you don’t see too many women in Indian politics because you need to be a different person to survive the political landscape.”

Sorry, not sorry

Men usually apologise to pacify or buy time to ease the situation, says Bagchi. Aradhya Singh, a Mumbai-based law student, had older men ‘apologise’ with ‘I am sorry you felt that way’. “That is gaslighting,” she points out. 

In India, the phrase “I’m sorry” is taught to kids as an escape mechanism—a means to get out of situations. “That’s why during small tiffs on the road, men will say, ‘Sorry bola na, samajh nahi aa raha?’ It is like a quick fix. But it’s only a fix for one person,” explains Nayar. 

This "‘Sorry’ is actually a linguistic tool that shapes power dynamics and self-perception. When chronically misused, particularly by women, it becomes a behavioral pattern that signals submission and diminished self-worth,” says Tuganit. Continuous demands to be apologetic decreases women’s self-confidence. 

Does it end with us?

It’s girls raised around strong women that are unapologetic for being opinionated, who strive for equality. For instance, 23-year-old Aradhya Singh saw her mother stand up to her brother. Singh stopped apologising to her father for disagreeing with his opinions. “The demarcation of what is wrong and what isn’t is clear to me, built on my own belief system,” says Singh, who has been called “too stubborn” by extended family. 

Pratap has made sure this boundary is clear to her 19-year-old daughter. “She doesn’t need to apologise for expressing herself as long as it’s not hurting anyone. That’s different from offending people.,” says Pratap, who remembers feeling apologetic about opting for a love marriage. 

What’s helped is Gen Z’s access to the Internet, which has made them aware, enabling them to label things and set boundaries. “Gen Z calls out physical abuse at home, recognising it as generational trauma. Their parents recognise it too, having undergone it themselves. So, hopefully the cycle of trauma ends with us,” says Akash SP, a mechanical engineer in Ballari, Karnataka. 

For most young women in urban India, while their families educate them enough to get jobs, they expect them to make unreasonable sacrifices such as having to decline job opportunities out of their home cities or getting married right after completing their education. “Young women, especially Gen Z, realise there’s no need to go back to traditional gender roles. What helps is the individualisation of the primary unit of society, instead of just a family qualifying as a unit,” says Bagchi. 

Can ‘sorry’ become feminised?

However, even Gen Z will have to bow down in situations where the difference in their mindset is not appreciated. Singh has been asked to refrain from saying anything instead of disagreeing when it comes to family matters. 

“Irrespective of feeling empowered, if someone doesn’t have the space to enact that power, it’s difficult for them to transgress set cultural boundaries,” says Bagchi.The adjectives used for enterprising women are still “aggressive” or “angsty.”  “Even women use these terms because the assumption that an achiever will be masculine is normalised,” says Pratap, who has been called “obnoxious” and “problematic”. “The word ‘sorry’ has been feminised and is regarded as passive, besides the assumption that the person apologising is willing to compromise,” adds Singh.

A research paper published in the Journal of Applied Psychology by University of Arizona in 2023 states that “using more assertive language in apologies led to a perceived increase in effectiveness by about 9.7 per cent for women, whereas for men, using more nurturing language saw an increase of about 8.2 per cent in perceived effectiveness”. But Vohra reckons this won’t work in urban India. “Because no one likes an assertive woman. A nurturing language is expected of women, and if she speaks in a to-the-point manner, people will call her ‘tough’ or a ‘ballbreaker’,” she says. 

Toxic notions of manhood that persist need to change to ensure that when men take on roles other than the stereotype—such as household chores—they aren’t considered to be “less of a man”, says Kapoor. “When men use nurturing language, it’s considered weaker. The late Dr Manmohan Singh was seen as a weak leader because he was apologetic and soft-spoken. But I’ve come across research stating that families where men are also allowed to partake in caregiving are happier. Allowing men to express themselves in this way also takes that burden off women.” 

In India, saying ‘sorry’ for small things isn’t common in most regional languages, says academic Ruth Vanita. “Instead, we make traditional gestures, such as touching the heart, including the men, more so in south India. We do have the more serious term, ‘forgive me’ and in north India, a blanket bhool chook maaf is said when parting,” she explains. 

The solution doesn’t lie in women changing their stance but for men to start apologising more, and being genuine about it. Akash SP learned this from his father, who is usually the one to apologise. Support can also be generational. Like Pratap’s father who was her rock when she married someone outside their community, divorced him, and then moved on with someone new. “We need empowered men because most men don’t use their power or privilege to support the women in their lives,” says Pratap.

Language plays a crucial role too. A shift from apologetic to relatively assertive language helps reclaim conversational space. For example, replacing "Sorry I'm late" with "Thank you for your patience," or "Sorry to interrupt" with "I'd like to add something". 

Goda, who apologised all her life for speaking loudly, doesn’t do so anymore if she’s in a public place. At times, she also corrects herself after apologising reflexively, with: “Actually, I would like to take that back”. If you seem meek, you will be expected to be apologetic. So, women need to walk tall,” she says.

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