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Discover why Indian women find it hard to accept compliments and learn practical tips to embrace praise, boost self-esteem, and foster self-love.

Why women are terrible at accepting compliments (and how to fix it)

Usually socialised to be modest and underplay their own achievements, women struggle with accepting compliments—a tendency that can impact self-esteem in the long run 

Among the many things women love but often dismiss are compliments. As soon as someone passes a compliment—personal or professional—instinctively responding with expressions like “Not really”, “Oh, come on”, “This was nothing”, “You too” or “Look who’s saying that”, is second nature to many women. In fact, according to a survey conducted by Nykaa earlier this year, a whopping 64 per cent of women in India feel apprehensive about accepting compliments. Moreover, a survey by Bumble reveals that 44 per cent of Indians don’t even know what makes for a good compliment. Perhaps this is why compliments today have boiled down to merely dropping emojis on social media posts—easy to construe, and easier to respond to with yet another set of emojis. Ideally, receiving compliments should make one feel anything but unsettling; it is an act of kindness towards the recipient, and they must allow themselves to embrace it. However, according to data, women usually endure a certain amount of resistance towards compliments. 

Why do people feel obscure about compliments? 

We often unconsciously train our minds to not fall for anything at face value. This tendency could seep into our minor behavioural patterns, making us cautious of everything around us, including the compliments we receive. According to Janvi Rathore, a therapist at The Mood Space, many of us have a cloudy reaction towards compliments due to self-doubt and cultural expectations. “We might feel undeserving of praise, worry about meeting new expectations or doubt the sincerity of the compliment. Our insecurities and the context of the praise—such as the relationship with the person giving the compliment—also play a role.” 

We might feel undeserving of praise, worry about meeting new expectations or doubt the sincerity of the compliment, says Janvi Rathore. Image: Pexels

We might feel undeserving of praise, worry about meeting new expectations or doubt the sincerity of the compliment, says Janvi Rathore. Image: Pexels

Showing gratitude for the compliments and also giving  a genuine one in return, perpetuates a circle of mutual respect and appreciation, says Kavya Shrivastava. Image: Dupe

Showing gratitude for the compliments and also giving a genuine one in return, perpetuates a circle of mutual respect and appreciation, says Kavya Shrivastava. Image: Dupe

Kavya Shrivastav, a counselling psychologist at Therapy With Shaurya also attributes this resistance to a lack of self-love and self-worth. “Most of us grow up receiving compliments from those close to us, such as family and friends. It then becomes hard to acknowledge compliments from strangers. Additionally, since one does not believe these things to be true about themselves, no amount of flattery, genuine or not, would stand valid.” Humans function on negativity bias, points out Shrivastav . “It is easier for us to think of and believe the worst-case scenario than to hold on to hope. This is why focusing on our positive traits and working on them is slightly difficult at first, but should be emphasised.” Psychologist and psychotherapist Shaurya Gahlawat adds, “In my practice, I have seen the psychological pattern of [having an] imposter syndrome, where individuals doubt their achievements and fear being exposed as a ‘fraud’, making it difficult for people to accept compliments; they feel as though they don’t deserve the praise they are receiving.”

“WE ARE CONDITIONED TO BE MODEST AND NOT BLOW OUR OWN TRUMPET TOO MUCH, AND THAT OFTEN INCLUDES DEFLECTING OR NOT TAKING CREDIT WHEN SOMEONE COMPLIMENTS YOU”

Kashika Saxena

What augments the obscurity in women? 

While beauty and lifestyle creator Palak Sheth Ghose admits that her natural instinct is to always flush and stutter a bit, journalist and author Sujata Assomull confesses that receiving compliments would make her feel almost embarrassed until sometime back. “Previously, I would get very defensive, retract or feel the immediate need to compliment the giver back. It’s only now, in the past year, that I’ve learned to accept the compliment as it is, after such a long time,” shares the 51-year-old writer. Thanks to a biased societal conditioning, feelings of self-doubt, a lack of confidence, and a sense of inadequacy become mainstays in a woman’s life. 

“We are conditioned to be modest and not blow our own trumpet too much, and that often includes deflecting or not taking credit when someone compliments you,” says 34-year-old media professional Kashika Saxena. In concurrence, Gahlawat shares, “In my therapy practice, I’ve seen many women who are in positions of leadership in their respective fields. Yet, when they receive compliments, they often respond with something like, “Oh, it was a team effort” or “I was just lucky”. They feel compelled to deflect praise to maintain the socially acceptable image of modesty.”

That a woman’s personality is often made to boil down to her physical appearance is another reason why women don’t come to grips with compliments easily. Image: Pexels

That a woman’s personality is often made to boil down to her physical appearance is another reason why women don’t come to grips with compliments easily. Image: Pexels

Kavya Shrivastav attributes the resistance towards compliments to a lack of self-love and self-worth. Image: Dupe 

Kavya Shrivastav attributes the resistance towards compliments to a lack of self-love and self-worth. Image: Dupe 

Sky-rocketing expectations pertaining to unpaid labour also play a key role in shaping women’s receptiveness towards compliments. “As women, a lot of things we do are considered ‘normal’ or as something women should just do, whereas men get a pat on the back even for [doing] the bare minimum. Our minds are then made to believe that we don’t really need to be applauded for everything we do,” says Sheth Ghose, explaining why women end up feeling oblivious towards compliments. “I think we watched our mothers being very defensive towards compliments—a couple of decades ago, embracing compliments meant being overly bold or confident. This pattern sort of trickles down over generations,” says Assomull. 

“WHEN WE ACKNOWLEDGE AND ACCEPT POSITIVE FEEDBACK, WE VALIDATE OUR ACHIEVEMENTS AND QUALITIES, WHICH IS ESSENTIAL FOR MAINTAINING HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM”

Janvi Rathore

That a woman’s personality is often made to boil down to her physical appearance is another reason why women don’t come to grips with compliments easily. “With a hyperfocus on their looks, it is rare to see a woman being complimented for her intellectual prowess—this is a universal fact,” says Shrivastav. “Through body-image group counselling, I’ve come across women who find it difficult to accept compliments about their appearance because they feel like they don’t meet societal standards of beauty. Despite receiving genuine praise, they would respond with self-deprecating comments, reflecting an internal struggle with perfectionism.” Scientific research substantiates that appearance-related compliments can, in fact, have a negative effect on the woman. In many ways, such compliments could also propagate unhealthy stereotypes. “Beauty with brains” for example, applauds sexism in a condescending and unabashed manner. 

Embracing compliments with open arms (and an open mind)

Though espousing compliments may come across as self-aggrandising to some, doing so is important for more reasons than one. “As we keep growing, we want our self-esteem to grow, and to develop a healthy self-image. Showing gratitude for the compliments one gives you, and also giving them a genuine one in return, perpetuates a circle of mutual respect and appreciation,” explains Shrivastav. “Downplaying compliments is not an honorary act by any means. On the contrary, it can make the other person feel uncomfortable or dismissed, potentially disrupting the natural flow of positive interactions.” 

Start saying “thank you” instead of shunning the compliment away. Image: Dupe

Start saying “thank you” instead of shunning the compliment away. Image: Dupe

Seek support if this feels like a persistent problem that impedes your self-esteem. Image: Pexels

Seek support if this feels like a persistent problem that impedes your self-esteem. Image: Pexels

The media and society at large tends to prey on women’s insecurities. It is then important for us to accept compliments and work on our self-esteem, opines Saxena. “Compliments often become a mirror of validation for who we are as humans, and how we engage with the world, and that’s why they can impact our mental health too. When we acknowledge and accept positive feedback, we validate our achievements and qualities, which is essential for maintaining healthy self-esteem,” says Rathore. 

Train your brain

“Acknowledge any discomfort you feel when receiving compliments. Understanding your reactions is the first step to changing them. I would urge everyone to ask themselves, ‘What have I achieved so far by playing small?’ Generally, playing small keeps us very limited and it is better to expand our ‘self’ with time,” recommends Shrivastava. The first and simplest step? Start saying “thank you” instead of shunning the compliment away. Ritika Verma, a marketing professional, would typically mute compliments when she was given one until she realised that accepting them gracefully takes a certain amount of alignment between one’s physical and mental health, and that doing so will only help her grow further. “To believe that you are being seen, noticed, and heard feels great; it’s also respect and validation extended by someone towards you,” says Verma. 

“In our group therapy sessions, clients often practise giving and receiving compliments in a supportive environment. This helps them become more comfortable with accepting positive feedback, which they can carry into their everyday lives,” shares Gahlawat, indicating that you can seek support if this feels like a persistent problem that impedes your self-esteem. 

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