Always putting others over your own self isn’t something you should be proud of
Are you always taking care of others’ needs in lieu of your own? Do you tend to say “yes” to everything despite knowing you must say “no” more often? Do you end up prioritising those around you at the expense of your own mental and emotional health? These patterns all point towards behaviour that is innate to people pleasing. Social conditioning and pop culture have characterised a people pleaser as both a protagonist and antagonist, albeit, solely in an external context. That being a people pleaser could perilously jeopardise oneself has seldom been told to us.
A quick discussion with psychologists and therapists will reveal how people-pleasing—no matter how synonymous it sounds with being kind and compassionate—can actually mess up one’s own mental make-up. We ask two psychology professionals to throw light on the explicit and implicit traits of a people pleaser, the cons of imbibing this personality, and ways to snap out of the internal trap.
Who is a people pleaser?
As the term implies, a people pleaser is anyone who feels a constant need to keep others ahead of themselves. “People pleasers essentially want to control how others perceive them and would act accordingly. There is a persistent need to get approval and validation from others. This dictates their behaviour in relationships and sometimes even influences important decisions they make for themselves. For example, picking a profession that will make their parents happy even if it means ignoring their interests and aptitude,” explains psychologist Sanam Devidasani. Contrary to what has been ingrained in us, constantly pleasing people isn’t a form of exercising kindness.
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If you struggle to say "no", and end up saying "yes" in situations you don't want to, you might have people-pleasing tendencies. Image: Unsplash
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Pleasing people is presented as imperative for women as they are socialised to be nurturing, accommodating, quiet and self-sacrificing. Image: Pexels
“In my therapy practice, I’ve worked with many individuals who grapple with people-pleasing tendencies, often stemming from deeply ingrained beliefs and experiences shaped by their cultural upbringing,” begins Shaurya Gahlawat (@therapywithshaurya), a psychologist and psychotherapist. “For example, I once worked with a client from a collectivist culture who struggled with setting boundaries in her personal and professional relationships. She felt immense pressure to fulfil the expectations and demands placed on her by her family, friends, and colleagues, even if it meant sacrificing her own needs and well-being.”
Devidasani furthers, “We’ve been taught that being well-behaved means never questioning our elders. We may then grow up to be people who prioritise conflict-avoidance over being honest.” Pleasing people is presented as imperative for women as “they are socialised to be nurturing, accommodating, quiet and self-sacrificing”, which aggravates such people-pleasing tendencies. “In my therapy room, there is not one woman who has not brought up the unconscious desire to appear ‘easy’ and ‘chill’. Men may also face pressure to conform to expectations of being providers and protectors, making them suppress their own needs to fulfil these roles.”
The inherent factors at play
The psychological explanation for internalised people-pleasing patterns is not so straightforward. “One of my therapy clients was bullied throughout his school years, leading to low self-esteem and a desperate need for acceptance. He became a people-pleaser as a way to gain friends and avoid further bullying. This behaviour persisted into his adult life, where he struggled to assert himself and often felt taken advantage of. Through our work together, he began to build his self-confidence and learned to establish healthy boundaries in his relationships,” shares Gahlawat.
“PEOPLE PLEASERS HAVE A FEAR OF ABANDONMENT AND INTENSE ANXIETY. OFTENTIMES, THEY MAY DERIVE THEIR SENSE OF SELF-WORTH FROM OTHERS’ VALIDATION”
Shaurya Gahlawat
“It’s how we are socialised to behave, which behaviours are rewarded or punished, as well as the influence of cultural expectations, societal norms, gender differences, and social media [that leads to people-pleasing]. When you have a parent that is a people pleaser, they’re modelling a fundamental belief that self-sacrifice is the way to show up in ‘loving’ relationships,” says Devidasani. She adds, “People pleasing can also be a result of trauma. It is called the ‘fawn response’—it involves trying to appease others and avoiding conflict/rejection by abandoning one’s own needs. The fawn response makes them feel safe. It’s as though they believe ‘as long as others are happy with me I will feel secure in my relationships with them’.”
Adversely impacting mental health
While humans are social animals, they also need to look out for their own selves. “I’ve always been this person ever since I remember who would try to fit in, try to be friendly, and couldn’t handle someone being angry with me or not liking me. This made me want to do everything possible to please people,” shares Himani Shah, a luxury content creator. “I do realise that it’s a lot of work to go out of my way to do everything for everyone, even on days I need a break.”
Citing her experience, content creator Sakshi Agarwal says, “No matter how selflessly you act, there’s always a part of you that hopes others will be there for you in return. When that doesn’t happen, it hits hard. As an over-thinker, when things don’t go well or when people are thankless, it can take a significant toll on my mental health.” She adds, “Being a people pleaser means constantly walking on a fine line between caring for others and caring for yourself.”
For Nimisha Solanki, founder of KER, an emerging, homegrown personal care brand, being a people pleaser is even traumatising. “What I put myself through seems very harsh, but it gives me a sense of comfort knowing that I can be there for someone when they need me. It is, however, emotionally and mentally draining to put myself through this. It’s not another person’s fault. It’s me—perhaps seeking comfort, love, and care by doing something for someone else, hoping it would fill my empty cup.”
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For Nimisha Solanki, founder of KER, an emerging, homegrown personal care brand, being a people pleaser is mentally draining. Image: Unsplash
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It is important to be empathetic of other people’s needs but it is also important to advocate for yourself, says Sanam Devidasani. Image: Unsplash
In the short term, people-pleasing patterns help in feeling secure and content. But in the long run, individuals have to keep up those people-pleasing tendencies to maintain that security, which is exhausting, to say the least, expresses Devidasani. “There is constant pressure to make sure you meet the expectations of others while also working hard to avoid all possible conflict. To avoid conflict means to swallow your own emotions and expectations and put up an act of being okay. I’ve seen some of my clients experience social and emotional overwhelm and burnout trying to analyse, overthink and predict the emotions of others while totally ignoring their own.”
Stepping out of the people-pleasing rut
When you’re a people pleaser, you subject your subconscious to a barrage of negative emotions that stem from hypothetical situations, further encouraging your people-pleasing behaviour. “People pleasers have a fear of abandonment and intense anxiety, which can be either apparent or hidden. Oftentimes, they may derive their sense of self-worth from others’ validation,” states Gahlawat.
When people-pleasing behaviours start seeping into every relationship, it could hamper their authenticity. “Relationships could always seem turbulent because of a lack of mutual realness around expectations, needs and emotions,” shares Devidasani. People pleasers might expect others to ‘do’ as much as them without really asking for it. “They may feel resentment if others don’t reciprocate all their efforts or appreciate them for it which could lead to passive-aggression—subtle sarcasm, silent treatment, and so on. Sometimes all the built-up resentment could lead to an outburst. It’s hard to form a deep connection if one prioritises ‘peace’ over being vulnerable and honest,” she explains.
“BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER MEANS CONSTANTLY WALKING ON A FINE LINE BETWEEN CARING FOR OTHERS AND CARING FOR YOURSELF”
Sakshi Agarwal
The most precarious off-spin of being a people pleaser comes in the form of dismissing your own needs and emotions, even in cases where it is paramount to do so. With being a people pleaser, your self-identity is at stake too. “People [pleasers] may end up neglecting their desires and inhibit their healing and growth too,” adds Gahlawat.
Expert-approved tips to make the shift easier
It is important to be empathetic of other people’s needs but it is also important to advocate for yourself, says Devidasani. To mindfully break up with toxic people-pleasing traits, it is essential to acknowledge that you have people-pleasing tendencies in the first place. “It could help to be curious too. If you tend to justify it by saying ‘It’s nice to be nice’, ask yourself how much of this behaviour stems from just wanting to be nice and how much of it is something else. There’s always a reason for repeating behaviours that in the long run are harmful. You must be getting something out of it; it would have helped you in some significant way. But also acknowledge that it is not helping you anymore.”
Gahlwat recommends to set clear boundaries, practice self-compassion and assertiveness with yourself and others, and consider therapy if and when needed. It could also be useful to tell yourself that you’re presenting a false version of yourself to please someone, and they might be fostering that despite being fully aware of your tendencies because “they would want you to keep pleasing them, often and with higher intensities, resulting in a never-ending loop,” concludes Gahlawat.
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