For lesbians, coming out to their mothers involves unlearning notions of gendered roles and stereotypes

In a society bound by patriarchy and its many shackles, how do sapphic folx steer conversations with their mothers while discussing their relationship to gender & sexuality  with them?

The relationship between mothers and daughters is a lore unto itself. Often bound by the experience of patriarchy’s impositions—its stereotypes, roles, and restrictions—mothers and their daughters (or their children socialised as girls, as some may transition in adulthood) often have relationships of great depth. A quality of delicateness is apparent when they talk about topics involving one’s agency and satisfaction with life choices, especially regarding marriage and relationship to the self or others. The complexity unravels when the “daughter” explores their gender or sexuality, often busting a generational shackle.

Having difficult conversations

“My mother has internalised patriarchy to the point of denying the impact it has had on the course of her life and decisions. I feel that she has built up walls to protect her worldview, and this helps her make sense of the world,” reflects Lana* (they/them), a non-binary pansexual writer and researcher in their late 20s living in Delhi. “I once tried to speak to her about her experiences of ‘sexual frigidity’ [these were her words] in the early years of her arranged marriage to my father, when she was still quite young. I suggested that it may have been a response stemming from [being queer], but she didn’t entertain it, saying that she enjoyed penetrative sex with her partner well until the age of 60 years, when he passed away,” says Lana.

“My mother was widowed at a young age, and was not only marginalised as a woman belonging to a minority religion, but also as a widow,” shares Avril Stormy Unger (she/her), a 38-year-old cis-lesbian, who lost her father even before she entered her teens. “I think she’s still wrapped up in compulsory heterosexuality, but I believe that she is more open-minded as a single woman who has had to make her own decisions without the influence of a male person. I have observed this of many single mothers.

”Due to the sensitive nature of these relationships, daughters are likely to adopt indirect approaches when tackling hard topics with their mothers. “My conversations with my mother about my sexuality are usually restricted to talk about marriage,” remarks Lana exasperatedly. “I often use that occasion to share an alternative perspective to approaching life choices. For instance, we disagree over whether monogamous, heterosexual marriages necessarily bring stability and happiness to one’s life.”

Making space for empathy

Testing waters to see how their mother responds to a non-normative opinion, before sharing details about their own selves, is how many sapphic folx try to ease into tricker subjects such as coming out. Priya Dali (she/they), a 28-year-old non-binary lesbian, shares about how she first discussed queerness with her mother in the context of the graphic novel she was working on while in college. “Since we had gone through that process of discussing queer identities, my coming-out conversation was relatively short and lasted about 30 minutes. It was a space for her to ask questions and once I assured her that it wasn’t something that could be changed, she seemed to accept it,” shares Dali, Creative Director of Gaysi Family, a queer-run media platform.

Avril, who performs in her drag avatar as Chutney Mary, also talks about staggering conversations about her queerness with her mother. The one question that her mother kept coming back to was how Avril had been dating cis-men for close to two decades, before realising that she’s a lesbian. “In recent times, I have spoken to her about how social norms like compulsory heterosexuality, compulsory monogamy, and cis-normativity work,” she shares, referring to the social expectations thrust on every person from a young age, forcing them to align their gender with how they are socialised, which in turn is based on the doctor’s assessment of their genitals upon birth; and their assumed attraction to a single member of the “opposite gender”, with whom they are expected to end up partnering on various domestic and social responsibilities like marriage, care-giving, and home-making. “We often have these conversations while driving around, where I point out advertising billboards to her that normalise these standards in public spaces. I also make sure to allow her time to sit with her thoughts and come back with questions, thereby spacing out these conversations,” says Avril. 

Holding space for the mother to express her emotions in response to their coming out seems to be a common thread. Most sapphic folx that I spoke to felt that their relationship with their mother had deepened since they had come out to her and she had accepted them for it. “We now have more meaningful conversations, instead of just keeping each other updated about our schedules and whereabouts. After my last breakup, she would check in on how I was coping and offered her perspective on how to deal with various life issues. That’s made all the difference,” offers Dali, reflecting on her current relationship with her mother.

Avril too talks about how her relationship with her mother feels more authentic, now that she’s able to be open about the concerns that she or her partner may have because of their identities. “She has been supportive in many ways,” acknowledges Avril. “My mum has always known about my partners and friends over the years, and since I have embraced my sexuality, it has been important for me that she understands and accepts my friends too, most of whom are queer. I want to have a healthy relationship with her, and this has taken several long conversations over the span of many years.” 

When probed about how their mother had modeled femininity and womanhood to them, Dali says: “My mom has a big presence in our home. I grew up watching her take care of everything in the house, from bank work to cooking, even managing carpentry and electrical fittings—traditionally considered masculine roles. My mom always felt like the person who held everything together for us, whereas it seemed like my dad only did this one job at his workplace.”

Unlearning gendered roles

However, we tend to pick up ideas about gender norms from not just our mothers, but also from media representation as well as the expectations that our partners project onto us. “My mother never enjoyed cooking or looking after the house, when I was growing up. She has great love for her career and draws a sense of purpose from it. She is brilliant at what she does!” gushes Avril. “I grew up with neither a prominent father figure, nor an understanding of the parental unit’s couplehood,” she adds, giving us a peek into yet another household setting where the mother is the dominant presence. 

“When I first started dating and living with men, I took on certain gendered roles, such as cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the house. All the emotional and physical labour was not just put on me, but also taken on by me as my duty! Such a stupid thing to do, and I definitely did not learn it from my mother,” says Avril. “This changed once I stopped dating cis-men. I have often looked back in shock wondering where I learnt those behaviours from and how my then-partners too decided that my gender meant playing a certain role,” she adds, hinting at how sapphic relationships can often be healing in the way we reflect on femininity for ourselves.

However, there are others like Lana, who seem to find the performance of womanhood by their mothers to be dubious. “I have imbibed notions of compromise, sacrifice, and resilience as traits to be valorised in women. [There’s] prudery, along with Savarna notions of feminism, and ableism too—although I’m working towards unlearning it all!” they exclaim. “With this unlearning has come the slow understanding that while my mother’s acceptance of my life choices is important to me, I can be satisfied with sharing only certain aspects of my identity with her. There is solace in knowing that she accepts me, even when she can’t quite figure me out.”

*Names changed to protect privacy. 

Curated by Gaysi Family | Illustration by Kiri

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