Why are we so hard on ourselves?

We examine how social comparison and overthinking can contribute to poor self-perception

So often in life, we are our own worst enemies—the meanest and loudest voice in our head is our own. We end up being our own harshest critics, always nitpicking every little choice we make, every action we take, every outcome we face. Why do I always mess up? Why did I even say that? Why can't I look like them? I must be screwing up somewhere. We keep aiming for perfection, all the while expecting things from ourselves that we'd never expect from anyone else. It's fascinating to think about why we put ourselves through this, what pushes us to have this inner voice that keeps criticising us and pushing us to be flawless.

The conditions

But here's the kicker about self-criticism that is intriguing: we talk to ourselves in a way that we'd never even think of talking to others. Harsh Sethia, 28, who moved back to Mumbai after spending six years studying and working in the United States, says he doesn't remember the last time he wasn't tough on himself, even for the tiniest slip-ups. He gives himself a hard time about not being perfect, more than anyone else who might be affected by what he did. "A few weeks ago, I was running late for work, and even though my boss was chill about it, I just couldn't stop saying sorry. I was almost tearing up while driving to the office. Even the slightest, most insignificant mistake hits me like a ton of bricks. And when I mess up big time, I turn into a hermit in my room, mulling over it for days," he says. 

This whole "hard on myself" thing? It's been with Sethia for ages. "Back in school, I aced everything, but I remember losing it when I got a low grade in middle school—like, full-on freaking out. I ended up graduating school with high marks, and I was still unhappy about it. But now that I look back, I wish I'd chilled out a bit, had more fun instead of stressing over stuff that really didn't matter," he says. 

Sethia confesses he can't stand that he's wired like this. "I want to be one of those people who messes up and says, 'Yep, I goofed [up],' learns from it, and then moves on without letting it ruin their day. I want to enjoy myself and not have these constant stress sessions about money, personal stuff, and work. But I'm stuck. I try to flip the switch to positive thinking and shove away those negative thoughts when I mess up, but they keep bouncing back. It's like a never-ending loop," he says.

Sethia admits he's in therapy to help him deal with this part of his personality. 

Should we express it?

Counsellor Viraj Mehta says a handy solution to any feeling that doesn't sit well or isn't understandable, is to express it. "In the case of pain resulting from situations you don't know how to deal with, you can make a lot of headway just by inquiring in-depth about why that experience was or would be painful. By getting down to the deeper levels of the reasons behind your feelings, you can gain insights into yourself and find new ways of approaching the problem," says Mehta. Rather than addressing issues or circumstances on a case-by-case basis, Mehta says by digging deeper, you can find that the surface events of your life can lead you to problems that exist inside you and could come to the surface at a different times, with the event you used to key into the underlying issue being just one of those times.

Surviving through the mess in our heads 

Mumbai-based licensed psychologist Vidya Sharma says our tendency to be hard on ourselves might boil down to survival instincts, like being hyper-self-critical to avoid getting on anyone's wrong side or going against the norm. "It's all about fitting in so we don't get the cold shoulder. And then there's stuff like making fun of ourselves—that's our way of looking chill and likable, or just hiding those little uncertainties we've got," she says. 

But at the end of the day, we're social beings. Plus, a big shoutout to our childhood for playing a role in this mess. The stuff we heard while growing up from parents, friends, and teachers? Sharma says those words become our thoughts as adults. And a big part of it is this feeling that we have to earn love and support—basically, we need to be flawless in order to deserve good things, or else we're not even worth it.

The origins

The origin of this phenomenon is rooted in a concept often referred to as the "inner critic" within the realm of popular psychology. This sub-personality can be understood as an almost distinct, unconscious entity that engages in judgment and self-assessment. The inner critic manifests as an internal voice, berating us with feelings of worthlessness or shame. This concept has been proposed to be closely tied to the idea of the ego, specifically in alignment with Sigmund Freud's concept of the "super ego."

In early childhood, individuals tend to develop a super ego, which essentially internalises societal expectations, parental guidance, and admonishments. This internalised construct automatically evaluates our behaviour and functioning as an unconscious mechanism for regulating our actions. Consequently, it is from this foundation that the concept of the inner critic emerges due to the interplay between our super ego and our thoughts.

Does ego come into play?

Mehta says the inclination toward impulse control is inherent and serves a vital purpose. It allows our ego to influence intense impulses, preventing societal disarray. However, when the inner critic is granted excessive influence, its role shifts from tempering behaviors to inducing a state of paralysis. A significant paradox arises in self-criticism—while we habitually engage in self-deprecation and meticulous self-monitoring, scrutinising every minor action for perceived flaws, we seldom subject others to an equivalent level or severity of critique.

Intriguingly, this contradiction can be rationally elucidated through scientific reasoning. "Researchers propose that distinct neural pathways are engaged when evaluating others instead of ourselves. This dichotomy is attributed to our heightened sensitivity toward self-assessment as a survival mechanism, wherein our awareness of personal behaviour takes precedence. Consequently, we tend to celebrate our friends, accommodate their shortcomings, overlook trivialities, and offer encouragement while struggling to extend the same compassionate treatment to ourselves," says Mehta. 

Feelings of inadequacy

Sukriti Ray's upbringing in a joint family setting in New Delhi has left her perpetually grappling with feelings of inadequacy. Despite her desire for solitary activities, such as reading books after school, she was compelled to interact with her cousins. This inclination toward solitude was viewed as unconventional, casting her as an outlier within the family dynamic. Ray recollects that her parents consistently emphasised the importance of being amiable with her cousins, even when some exhibited unkindness and sarcasm towards her. The uneven treatment she experienced became evident when she was coerced to partake in celebrations when her cousins achieved commendable grades or triumphed in swimming competitions, while similar expectations were not extended to her accomplishments.

As the years passed, Ray began to notice the repercussions of this upbringing in her interactions with others as she matured. This upbringing prompted her to adopt a habitual stance of celebrating others and their accomplishments during her university years. This pattern persisted as she transitioned into a professional role, wherein she consistently prioritised her colleagues' appeals for assistance, even when her schedule was tight, or a pressing deadline loomed. "Breaking free from this ingrained cycle of being obliging towards others and feeling pervasive guilt when unable to do so has been hard on me. This emotional entanglement has reached a point where my functioning appears disrupted if I don't help out," she says. 

Excessive criticism

Sharma says childhood bullying instills what we would call a negative self-image and feelings of inherent inadequacy that continue into childhood. "It was a common belief that excessive criticism made a child stronger. And we know now that it doesn't, it just doesn't. The reason some of us are so hard on ourselves likely originates from those early relationships with caregivers and peers. So, as children, we internalise the words spoken to us, the language used against us, the treatment, and how we incorporate those things as truth because we've never been told any differently," she says. Our only source of self-esteem is those around us. And when we're told that we're not that smart, or that we’re ugly, embarrassing, and worthless, they become part of our belief system and our self-concept. "Those early years are just so formative because during that time, our brains are laying those important neural pathways," she says.

According to Ray, insights shared by her therapist shed light on the origins of the humorous remarks we employ as a defence mechanism to safeguard our self-esteem and ego. "The underlying premise is that by preemptively acknowledging certain perceived flaws or shortcomings within ourselves, we thwart the possibility of others using those aspects against us," she says. By giving in to self-deprecation in social contexts, we effectively create a protective shield against external judgment. This strategy functions as a coping mechanism, offering a layer of defence.

Emotional armour

For Ray, this approach serves as a form of emotional armour, aiding her in managing external evaluations. Additionally, she acknowledges that this tactic sometimes extends into the realm of motivation. For individuals possessing an innate inclination towards negative self-perception, engaging in self-criticism and anticipating failure can paradoxically spur them to excel and improve. However, Ray emphasises that this mode of self-motivation is not inherently sustainable. The inherent flaw in this approach becomes evident when setbacks occur, as these failures inadvertently reinforce the negative belief system that was initially intended to be a driving force for improvement.

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