Out and proud and older—there’s never a ‘right age’ to come out

In a society that expects its members to take on predefined roles, for queer individuals, embracing who they really are is a personal, unique journey that can happen at any age

Adulthood is widely thought to be a time of “finding stability”—for most individuals, careers flourish, families grow, and societal expectations are dutifully met. Or so feel the weight of these expectations! But what happens when this seemingly well-constructed life doesn’t quite fit because you never had the chance to explore your true identity before you could even step into it? 

In a society that demands us to have everything figured out as early as possible, some individuals only begin to explore their authentic selves after taking on the adult roles expected of them. Sometimes, decades into it—much like Caitlyn Jenner, whose highly publicised coming out as a transgender woman on the American reality show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, in 2015 occurred following a celebrated career as a “male” Olympics athlete and motivational speaker. Jenner herself is a controversial figure—empowering to some, irksome to others. However, with her transition/transformation being broadcast on screens internationally, her own career prospects and social relevance have shrunk, when compared to her previous avatar. 

Navigating these uncharted territories later in life can feel like a daunting adventure after following the map for most of our lives. For queer individuals, this is when it helps to have the support of loved ones and other allies.

A sensitive on-screen portrayal

Writer-director Raghuvir Joshi (he/him) delves into this very experience in his film Sahela (2023), capturing the complexities of coming out in adulthood through the story of a second-generation Australian couple of Indian origin. As Raghuvir  notes, "It can indeed be more challenging for someone who isn't young to explore their sexuality, as they might be more entrenched in societal norms and personal patterns."

Set in the multi-ethnic milieu of Parramatta, Sydney, Sahela tells the story of Vir and Nitya, a couple who marry after years of being childhood sweethearts. Everything is seemingly “perfect” (or at least, headed in that direction) until Vir must confront the reality of his queerness. But this story isn't just about coming out; it's about “calling in,” as Raghuvir likes to put it—calling one’s partner into this discovery of one’s identity. Companionship, which is what Sahela means, continues to exist in the deeply affectionate relationship that Vir and Nitya share even as they head for a divorce. Together, they navigate the journey of not just the future of their relationship, but also the larger cultural taboos surrounding divorce, coupled with Vir’s queer identity. To the writer, the movie is a love story that defies traditional definitions of relationships, offering a rare glimpse into the lives of those who continue to grow and evolve, even when society assumes their story is already written.

Looking inwards

Raghuvir’s exploration of these themes reflects his experience of the emotional whirlwind that accompanied such revelations in his own life. "I developed an autoimmune disease during my process of self-discovery, which was a direct manifestation of suppressing my emotions and the anxiety I was experiencing as a result of it. My declining health forced me to stop and listen to my body, which ultimately led me to ask deeper questions about myself and my identity. Nothing warrants sacrificing your health, let alone the exploration of your identity," he shares.

In Sahela, Vir and Nitya's journey is not just one of personal transformation but a bold statement on the fluidity of identity and the resilience required to honour it, even in the face of deeply ingrained societal norms. Their story, like that of many others who come into their queerness later in their lives, is a testament to the courage it takes to live one’s truth—no matter the age or stage.

Movies like Sahela, crafted by creators who themselves embody queer experiences and identities, such as Raghuvir, present queer identities as more than just narratives of non-normative decisions. They showcase the sentimental and human side of queer folk. By diving into the identities of the diasporic millennial couple in the movie, Sahela highlights the complex dynamics that shape our identities, affirming these non-linear journeys by giving them representation.

Navigating rough waters

For Loveleen Agarwal (she/her), a 45-year-old freelance professional from Navi Mumbai, the journey towards self-acceptance has been anything but straightforward. "We are of that age where much of our lives were lived in the closet due to the horrible Section 377," she says. Section 377 of the erstwhile Indian Penal Code, inherited from the British Raj, penalised “unnatural sex,” which was interpreted to mean anything that deviated from the normative idea of penis-in-vagina intercourse. "Being gay and a crossdresser, I had to be very careful to make sure that no one ever found out," recalls Loveleen. The lack of social media during her formative years compounded this isolation, leaving her to navigate her identity in the shadows. "There was little to no social media, which made it even more difficult to find representation and accept oneself," she adds.

Loveleen's story underscores the importance of visibility and community in the journey of self-discovery. It wasn’t until 2023 that she stepped out as Loveleen for the first time, at an event hosted by Gaysi Family in Mumbai. "That’s when I realised how beautiful the LGBTQ+ world and its people are," she reflects, crediting Instagram for giving her the courage to reveal her true self to the world.

Despite these steps forward, Loveleen continues to live a split life. "My pronouns are ‘she/her’ at this stage, but I still hide my identity from the world, especially at my workplace," she explains. This dual existence is a common experience among those who come out later in life, as they juggle the realities of their newfound identity with the roles they have long played. Sharing her truth with her elder sister, the only natal family member who knows about it, was one of the hardest steps for Loveleen. "I didn’t know how she would react or whether she would accept it or not. I had to keep in mind that I didn’t want to lose her," she admits.

Loveleen likens her experience of coming out later in life to a "second puberty". "After realising my queerness and accepting it, I have managed to understand that sexual satisfaction is not just about ejaculation or being with the opposite sex. It’s about what makes me happy, the feeling I had deprived myself of for nearly 40 years," she adds.

Her journey hasn’t been without its sacrifices. Loveleen first came out to her wife. Still, despite initial support, their marriage eventually ended in divorce. "After the initial phase of maybe two years, even she couldn’t hold on to it," she explains. Coming from a conservative family with traditional values, acceptance was hard to come by, leading to a life built on self-discovery and the support of newfound queer friends.

Both Raghuvir and Loveleen’s experiences highlight how deeply urgent it becomes to embrace one’s truth, even if it is later than they’d hoped for. "It’s never too late to do anything in life, and ‘coming out’ should be among the least of our worries. Embracing who you are is a personal journey that can happen at any age," says Raghuvir. 

Embracing your true self

In a personal essay for Gaysi Family, author Saumyaa Vohra examines her bisexual identity as an Indian woman, and echoes Raghuvir’s sentiment. Saumyaa came to terms with her bisexuality as an adult after years of thinking of herself as “straight”. Many queer people struggle with the confines of fitting into the normative. "I couldn’t see the nuances [of my queer identity because,] I didn’t even have the tools to look closer," she shares. This reiterates that the journey to self-acceptance can be complex yet deeply personal. Saumyaa reflects on the intersection of identity and societal norms, saying, "It’s hard to separate one’s self from their place in society, to explore what lies within as a person." Her words liken to the lived realities of those like Loveleen and Raghuvir, who may find themselves grappling with exploring their gender, sexuality, or any other aspect of their identity, against the backdrop of societal expectations. Regardless, it is a process that is worthy of understanding and respect from the larger community. 

In a world embroiled in the “settling down” narrative, it’s easy to get lulled into the comfort of playing the roles society hands us. But here’s a twist that’s anything but ordinary: the real adventure begins when we ditch the script and start writing our own. For many, stepping into their true selves later in life isn’t just a plot twist, but one they had otherwise not planned for at all as they went along their lives.

The thrill of defying norms and challenging expectations can be the ultimate joy ride—messy, raw, and  wildly exhilarating. So, while society might push us to take on predefined roles, the real fun—and profound growth—happens when we dare to question, explore, and celebrate who we truly are. Ultimately,  life is too short for anything less than being alive to the change within us, and outside of us.

Curated by Gaysi Family | Illustration by Anjali Nair

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