Graysexuality: Why it’s perfectly normal to experience infrequent sexual attraction

A sexual identity that finds itself in the grey zone between asexuality and allosexuality, graysexuality is highly misunderstood

In a society that is, more often than not, hyper-focused on sex, it is a struggle for those who do not feel sexual attraction towards anyone, or experience it infrequently. They are ridiculed, judged, called names, and even made to believe they aren’t ‘normal’. 

 According to a study by the Williams Institute, University of California, Los Angeles, an estimated 1.7 per cent of sexual minority adults identify as asexual or those who do not experience any sexual feelings or desires. Until the emergence of social media, this sexual orientation was hardly discussed and was widely underrepresented in the LGBTQIA+ community. Not many were even aware that several different sexual identities, including graysexuality, fell under the spectrum of asexuality.

What is graysexuality? 

As the term suggests, graysexuality (also known as ‘greysexuality’) is a sexual identity that finds itself in the grey zone between asexuality and allosexuality. Such individuals experience sexual attraction in specific cases.  

“The sexual attraction that graysexuals experience is typically weaker or less frequent as compared to the general population. It is a self-identified label and everyone’s experience and understanding of their own sexual orientation may vary,” explains Ruchi Ruuh, a Delhi-based counselling psychologist. 

Rashi Sharma*, a Delhi-based musician was ridiculed in college for not being in a relationship. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be in one—the pressure of being sexual with her partner deflated her romantic desires. Unlike her peers who expressed their sexual fantasies featuring hot dudes in college, the 34-year-old was utterly confused for feeling nothing.

“There were only a few instances when I felt sexually attracted to someone. I recall being conscious of my body while interacting with a male professor, who was probably far older than me. His intelligence, demeanour and the way he motivated me to pursue my dreams made me feel special. I felt attracted to him but I never discussed it with my friends for the fear of being shamed,” she confesses.  

Since discussing sexuality is already a taboo, Ruuh is of the view that practising something that doesn’t conform to societal norms can be confusing, isolating and frustrating for those who identify as graysexuals. “Being graysexual can be a struggle if you don’t feel confident about your choices, fear judgement from peers, or struggle with low self-esteem,” she adds.  

A series of misconceptions 

Most individuals who identify as graysexuals believe myths and misconceptions around their sexual orientation are rooted in misinformation or lack of education. 

Prapti Verma* , a 29-year-old Mumbai-based advertising professional has always received a knee jerk reaction every time she has attempted to tell people how differently she feels about romance or sex. 

“Having hookups and sex is a part of discovering your sexuality. There may be individuals who may not want to engage in casual relationships, which is their choice. It isn’t the same in the case of graysexuals, but most people just brush it off and invalidate our sexual orientation. They believe we’ve made up a term or are just averse to hookups like them. Well, it’s not the same,” she says. 

Furthermore, there are others who believe if someone has engaged in sexual activity even once, they’ve turned into allosexuals. Verma has had both heterosexual and queer friends who have disregarded her sexual orientation and tried to convince her of being either asexual or allosexual. 

“It’s not a choice to be demisexual (sexual attraction when you are emotionally invested) or graysexual, and it comes with a lot of confusion. While growing up, I didn’t know why I would experience sexual attraction towards my friends. There are also cases where I’ve dated someone for a long time but never felt anything sexual towards them,” she explains. 

Navigating dating and relationships 

Traversing the terrain of sex and relationships is never easy; it is even harder for graysexuals who are either always ridden with feelings of guilt for being who they are, or have no other choice but to hide their sexual orientation from prospects. 

Neha Dubey*, a 27-year-old management student, calls herself a “dating app virgin”. As someone who identifies as graysexuals, she would perpetually believe she was scamming anyone who showed interest in her. In fact, Dubey would even avoid harmless flirting for the fear of leading anyone on. Lately, she has become more communicative with her potential matches. “I clearly express my needs, limitations, ask them what they feel about my sexual identity and how we can navigate this space to feel fulfilled together. I also think being polyamorous has helped me in learning to communicate better,” she comments. 

For others like Verma, who is currently in a relationship with an allosexual man, being cognisant of her triggers and pain points has helped her strengthen her relationship. While it was difficult, she made it a point to clearly tell her partner how her body works before they got physical for the first time.  That seems to have worked for Verma, since she experiences moments where she doesn’t feel like the relationship is supporting her. 

“My partner and I try to work towards making the relationship an emotionally safe space again, especially if such circumstances arise. Having this clarity within myself has helped me sort out my own relationships,” she reveals. 

Finding safe spaces 

In her practice, Ruuh has witnessed only a few individuals being openly accepted for their sexual orientation. That’s exactly why finding a safe space in groups and communities is important.

Indian Asexuals (Indian Aces) was founded by Raj in 2013 to create a safe space for those who identify as asexuals. Today, they organise offline and online asexual meets, seminars and webinars, and also represent asexuality in pride walks. In 2016, they also launched the first dating app for the asexual community called Ace app. 

“I know how it feels to be an asexual person in a hypersexualised society. Sometimes, we are even compared to celibates and face ACEphobia, corrective and marital rapes,” says Raj.  

While there’s a long way to go, graysexuals are gradually accepting themselves for who they are. Most of them believe that sex is an intimate act and the only way things can get better for them is for people to just let them be. 

“I think we all have our personal journeys. I feel inadequate to educate others but if there’s one thing I’d like to say, it is to have a conversation with someone who identifies as something other than you,” concludes Dubey.

* Names changed upon request.

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